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For those who had good dads, what is it like? Is it like having a good mom but male? Can you share the problems in your life with them? Do you really love them? If they were to not exist now, would you miss them?
I'm asking the above to men here who had "good dads".
Sorry for the weird questions above. I could never imagine myself loving an older, authoritative male figure in my life. I think it's like a fully blind person not being able to imagine colors? I'm not sure.
Like... Do you feel comfortable around your dad? Does it not feel confining? Like there's this void standing next to you, consuming all of the oxygen in the room?
For those with good dads, were they humble? Did they accept their mistakes? Did you feel comfortable going to them for support?
As a son who had a great dad who passed too soon, yes I really loved him and I miss him terribly. I feel robbed of my chance to have had an adult relationship with him.
In my experience he was not like having a male mom, but no two parents are going to be good at everything anyway. Good parents will usually offer qualities that compliment each other.
My dad taught me a lot of practical knowledge about building and maintaining tools, devices, cars, and homes. He also fostered my interests in airplanes and engineering. He was a role model for me when it came to simply being a nice and caring person. He encouraged me to do things that I liked and supported practically anything I was interested in. He is the sole reason I am into Star Trek and enjoy all kinds of other Sci-Fi.
My dad was one of the nicest and most caring people I have ever known. He always did everything in his power to make people feel welcome and loved.
I miss him every day and wish I could hang out with him again.
Sorry for your loss. So from what I understand, he was a good person, supported you and gave you practical knowledge.
Follow up question- were there any times where you felt unsafe in his company? Where you felt afraid that he might hurt you (not necessarily physically, but in other ways that would change your life for the worse)?
When you were around him, did you trust him to do the right thing in regards to your life? Could you be yourself around him, without worrying that you might offend him in some way or the other?
I think I'm repeating the same thing again and again - did you feel comfortable with him having control over your life (when you were a kid ofc, not an adult)? Were you not scared that he would hurt you? What did that trust feel like? Did you feel safe?
Except for one instance of uncharacteristic anger that he took out on a wall, I never felt uncomfortable around him. He immediately apologized and never did anything like that again.
I wouldn't say I ever really felt unsafe or afraid he might hurt me though. I think he was extremely self aware of how his actions made us feel. He expressed regret that his father was not supportive of him and worked very hard to make sure I was not raised that way. He was not psychologically hurtful, distant, or mean-spirited in any way. He was completely supportive of my opinions and beliefs.
I felt supported, encouraged, safe, and secure when in his company.
I have experienced the other side as well. I lived with my wife's family for some time under the constant threat of physical and psychological abuse from her stepfather. I never felt safe in his company and it has made a lasting traumatic impact on myself, my wife, and her family.
I really wish that my wife could have met him. I feel that if she could experience what it could be like to have a good dad some of the trauma might be alleviated. I know it can never truly rewrite what has happened, but there are good fathers that care and support their children. I'm truly sorry you (and others) have not experienced what can only described as the blessing of having a good father. I feel extremely lucky to have had him as long as I did and wish for others to have similar experiences. I hope this answers your questions and that you can find a way through the generational trauma.
These are really valid questions! I'm a fiercely pro dad woman, and I'll try to answer. IME people's relationship with their dad tends to be different to their mom, they're two different roles and two different people. IME people tend to go to dad for practical stuff (financial advice, DIY, moving things etc) and mom for home based practical and lengthy emotional discussions. Dad will also do emotional stuff, but often different style eg pep talks. For protection stuff, IME people go to dad.
Yes I love and miss my dad very much. A good person accepts mistakes, no matter what their role. And you can always go to a good parent cos they're always safe.
I'm sorry you didnt get the dad all children deserve. Have you found !dadforaminute@lemmy.world People post when they need dad style advice or a hug.
Apologies mate didn't click about it being men only, let me know if you want replies from women.
Oh noooooo your inputs are still very helpful, don't worry. I still appreciate you replying haha.
I just had a slight preference for men and their dads because I figured I could relate to it better. I've seen dads generally being nice with their daughters, but absolute assholes to their sons (at least growing up in India). I figured that the perspectives would thus be different, that's all.
I'm sorry you didnt get the dad all children deserve.
Thank you. At least the good part is that I don't know how much I have missed (if I have at all). I've never really seen a "good dad" closely I suppose.
Have you found !dadforaminute@lemmy.world People post when they need dad style advice or a hug.
I have, but I think my childhood still haunts me here. My hatred for older men with authority prevents me from going even close to this, or even being remotely comfortable with the idea of a "dad". It may be illogical or nonsensical, but hey... ig I need therapy for this lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks mate I re edited my comment to put it all back incase it's helpful. And absolutely, gender can make a big difference to how a child is treated. It is kinda good that you don't know what you've missed. I get what you mean about childhood still haunting you, it's really hard to unlearn things we learned back then. Therapy can really help, it can change how we think... it's about self development not things being wrong with us
I 100% recommend therapy. It's helped me a lot. I'm trying to get into a support group now. I think it would be nice to get some perspective from people with similar experiences.
Its slightly funny that this person asked for a man's perspective yet you chimed in anyways, a bit ironic don't you think?
Hey, no, I don't find it ironic or whatever. Ladybutterfly was trying to help, and that's all that matters. They were kind, they cared and offered resources. That's all that should matter.
Thanks shades, didn't click about that. Really appreciate you pointing it out.
OP said "for those" could mean anyone. Plus, why see gender at all? Doesn't affect how you see a parent, or at least it shouldn't.
Literally says men only lol
My mistake, I did miss that line. Premice stands, though, and in the end. Who cares?
If you see the way they treat people for not reading in their spaces it is chuckle worthy
Giving her a taste of their own medicine! Lol nice!
As someone else with a vacant father, 🫂
Sorry bro.
<3