Just posting an update for those who care
Just posting an update for those who care
My post history has some context for people who are curious or just don't know what I'm talking about.
Recap TL;DR: I came out to my wife and she was afraid that if I transitioned she would stop being attracted to me. Since I was afraid of divorce, I decided I'd hold off on transitioning indefinitely.
Since then, my wife and I have been bouncing all over the map this week. She was freaked out initially, but then she flipped to being ok with me transitioning - with the caveat that she might not be attracted to me, but she'll always love me. With that in mind, I felt comfortable looking at what transitioning might really look like.
One reason I wouldn't transition start HRT* anytime soon is fertility. I want more kids. I love my child and I want 1-2 more (as was always my marriage's life plan). I know freezing sperm is an option, but in-vitro is so expensive I don't know if we would want to try it. I realize kids are far more expensive than in-vitro, but my wife and I have budgeted for kids - not kids + in-vitro. We have plans to fix up our house, retire early, etc. So I don't want to put undue stress on those plans. We are considering freezing sperm, but not very seriously.
Also, based on some messages I got from users, it seems like having kids prior to transitioning is a contentious concept? I didn't expect that, but some people (mostly in DMs) seemed angry that I didn't know I was trans until after I had my first kid. I think those perspectives are related to divorce since divorce does produce worse outcomes for kids (generally not always). I guess I'm inviting people to come here and elaborate on their thoughts about that.
Anyways, I struggled to hear the harsher words from some people, but I also think they were well-founded. They were a gut-punch that made me reorient my thinking away from selfish thoughts about myself and more about my family and how my choices impact them.
I built up transitioning in my mind. I was feeling a strong sense of dysphoria. I assumed my wife would be ok with it (since we are already inhabiting stereotypical reversed-gender roles in almost every aspect of life). I assumed it wouldn't impact my fertility so quickly/drastically. I thought I was a month or two away from starting HRT. But the more I research it, the more I think I could be years away.
As an attempt to take this slower and more seriously, I have an appointment with a therapist today to start. It really should have been my first course of action anyways. It's possible I could start transitioning with non-hormonal techniques and maybe that's enough for me. If so, that would be ideal. My male physique wouldn't change too much and my wife would be happy about that. Maybe my dysphoria would go away. I've tried that in the past, but I didn't go "all-in" on it. I felt ugly and manly which bummed me out back then, but maybe I just didn't really accept myself and that was hindering the experience.
Generally speaking, I think I was just moving way too fast and unmeasured. I'm assuming that's common in "TransLater communities" because there is a lot of fear that the biological clock is stripping away my opportunity to meet my goals before it's too late. But that doesn't mean it's the right mentality. Plenty of people transition much later than I was planning and it works out fine. So, maybe that'll be my experience. Or maybe I'll never transition start HRT* due to the aforementioned options, therapy, etc. Who knows. I'm probably still going to be active in this community, if that's ok. I sure hate that my whole experience is practically the only thing in this community lol It's a bit embarrassing in a way. Please drown out my posts with some more positive stuff!
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Also, based on some messages I got from users
No, it's not.
Let me ask you a question. Is teaching a kid to repress and hide who they are for the sake of other people something you want to teach them? Especially if they're queer themselves? 'cause that's what hiding yourself teaches them.
I figured that would be the general consensus, but I received some pretty negative comments about having a family and then coming out trans. As someone in their 30's, internet hate shouldn't bum me out, but when it comes to my family it definitely hit me.
I don't really see myself as entirely hiding from my child. I plan on telling them my personal experiences, choices, etc. I might even start using she/her pronouns by the time she learns to talk. But I don't want to lose my fertility by going on HRT just yet. Plus, I'm going to therapy which might change my personal goals for transitioning. Frankly, I don't think it will. I think I will ultimately go on HRT, but I'm open to changing.
The person who posted that has been banned from this instance, because they were a transphobic troll. Notice how they didn't come in trying to talk to you or offer any empathy to your side? They just came out you aggressively, and framing you as awful and bad? That's because their goal wasn't to help you, it was to hurt you. That's why they were banned.
And honestly, you have the right approach here. This is all new, and you're navigating a complex situation. This isn't about getting on to HRT, or giving yourself timelines and deadlines. This is about navigating a situation that helps you get to the point where you need to be, whilst considering your families needs as you do.
If it's ever about repressing your own needs completely, or hiding the truth of who you are from your family, you've got the balance wrong. If you are doing things without considering your family at all, you've got the balance wrong. The balance is doing things that take you closer to where you need to be, and bringing your family along with you as you do. And sometimes that means going slowly. And sometimes it doesn't. That's the part only you and they can know.
And for what it's worth, I transitioned at 41, with an 11 year old. I was told lots of scary stories. Even my mother, who is otherwise super accepting, worried about the "lack of a father figure" and whether they would be teased or harassed at school. But I was always angry. I was living on top of this simmering anger that just impacted everything. And that anger came from repression. The truth was, if I didn't address that, I wasn't going to have a relationship with my kid, because my repression was going to fuck it up with 100% certainty.
Since coming out, my kiddo has come out as gay and then as gender diverse themselves. They were teased at school, but not about me, but they also became the leader of the schools LGBT group, and formed many lasting friendships. They're turning 20 in a couple of weeks time, and I have a relationship with them that wouldn't have been possible if I'd have remained closed off and angry.
I know this is a lot, but in general, cis people talking about this, without direct experience, rarely know what they're talking about, because all they have to go in are the stories they encountered growing up in a transphobic society. That includes your wife and the rest of your family! The difference between your wife and family and everyone else, is that you can be part of the process of changing their perspectives, because you can show them just what difference it makes when you can get repressing out of your life, and live honestly.
Take it as slowly as you need, and get all the help you can on the way! And whatever you do, make sure you're doing it honestly and authentically!