relationship is falling apart
relationship is falling apart
My girlfriend and I have been together roughly 4 years. Over the past two I'll admit I've been a bit complacent, i want really putting in show effort i probably showed have. Took our relationship for granted. Recently over the past year our sex life nose dived from probably once or twice a week to once a month to not at all. Granted a lot of that was caused by her depression which was exacerbated by hormonal birth control she was on. So seeking to alleviate that we took out the implant and she decided she was comfortable with getting an IUD instead and seeing if that worked. Immediately after having it put in, within a day or two, if I touched her she felt genuinely disgusted. Like a close friend was getting too handsy. She completely lost all sexual attraction to me and even hated being around me. Just looking at me or talking to me put her in a shitty mood. Within a week we took the IUD out and while there was not immediate improvement she now enjoys being around me but not be touched. I also have my reasons to believe she doesn't love me as much as she once did and is considering a breakup.
It's all just happening very fast. Her sister and I are working on compiling ways I could improve on our relationship. We've compiled date and gift ideas as well as a flowchart for how to construct a date as a surprise without giving her anxiety (what info to give her what not etc etc). I'm regularly visiting the gym mainly to blow of steam but also in hopes that I could be a bit more sexually attractive to her idk. My girlfriend and I have also talked about maybe doing couples therapy. She wants to make it work but she sometimes seems like she's gauging how I would react if we did break up. At this point I don't know what to do, I'm terrified of losing but I feel like everything I'm doing is way too much way too late.
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Well, here is something you can try to get back 'in touch' and explore your boundaries and what everyone likes:
It's called 'the wheel of consent' you can print it and play it together.
BUT: I'd be a bit wary. Pushing and trying to fix things isn't always the correct thing to do. I'm a person who is often focused on problem-solving but that's not always how relationship problems or emotional issues work. It may lead to her feeling pressured and (rightfully) feeling to be 'fixed'. You need to find your correct approach.
I often don't agree to the consensus in discussions like this one. Generally it boils down to, you can either save your relationship or break up, maybe both of you can do better. You need to decide if you want to put in the effort and at which point you're going to make the difficult decision.
You can also give her some leeway. Let her find herself again. Maybe treat her if she's into that. You could have a spa day or do the things you did when you fell in love. Visit the cinema, do cooking lessons together, go to the petting zoo and feed some Alpacas.
I think the most important thing is not to weigh down on each other. Especially in situations like this. And be open and honest and talk about your issues. You have to talk a lot about feelings and emotions and what everybody needs in the current situation. Most people don't do this enough. And it isn't easy. Most of the work is talking. Couples therapy is a professional setting for this kind of thing, but you can also try to get your emotional bond re-established yourself. And it doesn't exclude going to therapy later.
Talking while emotional issues are present is obviously difficult. You need to come clean with how you feel. She has. You need a deep sense of mutual respect to listen to this the right way. Not make accusations and find ways to deal with stuff and give the other person what she wants and needs.