I (23 M) am not sure how to deal with money with my BF (21M)
I (23 M) am not sure how to deal with money with my BF (21M)
Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn't too keen on having the discussion. I don't think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn't have the money right now, so I didn't really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I'm pretty frugal. Even though we're both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I'm worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don't know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too "cheap" and should let things go. At the same time, I'm feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I've been bottling it up for a bit since he's going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can't keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
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How do I bring it up to him? I'm worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we'd have to cancel the trip.
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Should I just "suck it up"? I know in relationships things aren't always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I'm not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It's just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.
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There are several possibilities here.
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He can afford but unwilling to pay half. Huge red flag.
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He cannot afford to pay half.
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You cannot afford to pay half.
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You can afford to pay half but cannot afford all.
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You can afford to pay all.
Afford in this context does not mean have the money for at this exact moment. It means being able to pay and being able to continue to pay for all of the other things you want or have to pay for in life.
Many people buy things they can pay for but they can't afford.
It is possible that your can afford a level of luxury that he cannot. If you chose the hotels and he couldn't afford them he may have been too embarrassed to say no. This is super common early in relationships.
Your may be worried that he is using you for your money. If you are afraid of that then you are already in a bad place in your relationship.
If there is a wealth imbalance, either you suck it up or you end it. It you think he is using you, end it
If there is not a wealth imbalance, one of you doesn't know what you are capable of affording. Either you are spending too much or he doesn't understand how much he can afford.
The most likely scenario is that he cannot afford it but it's to ashamed to say so. Either you can afford to pay the difference or you can't. If you can't, the vacation costs too much. If you insist on going on a vacation your partner cannot afford and you make him pay half, you are the asshole. It he chose the vacation and is giving you to pay more, he is the asshole.
Either spend less on the vacation so you can both afford it, or it will be a problem.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it!
I can "afford" this trip in both senses of the term, the trip will not have any impact on my necessary spending/bills, and I have an emergency fund that is not being touched by this trip. It is still, psychologically, a huge amount for me. I am the kind of person who thinks twice before buying McDonalds, which again is out of frugality, not of necessity.
In terms of the hotel and the idea of the trip, both were his, though we did have a discussion beforehand. The hotel is only a bit more expensive than the cheapest option we had.
Your may be worried that he is using you for your money. If you are afraid of that then you are already in a bad place in your relationship.
This was a scary sentence to read, lol. I have felt this way a few times in the relationship already. I have brought this up and there has not been a huge outcry, more of a "I had no idea you felt this way, I'm sorry." We always take turns to pay when we eat out, for instance - but I've also noticed we (well, he) tends to spend more when I'm paying.
I think the reason for this is because, for him, the only other kind of relationship he's had is with family (where they obviously pay) and friends (he has a rich friend who, I've heard, covers a disproportionate amount). He's used to "being treated" and just subconsciously doesn't think too much about what the other person is paying. This is also my first romantic relationship, but I live on the other coast from my family and my friends always split the bill, so I'm always very conscious about what other people are spending for me. I don't really know if there is a "right" person here.
I have a hard time saying no to things, too, which is perhaps a part of the reason why it's reached this point. But for the trip, I expected it would be more even.
This is hard. It does sound like there is a bit of a wealth imbalance.
First, a defense of you partner. When someone is poor, or has grown up with poverty, seeing someone who has money but doesn't spend it can be difficult. Sometimes this can be due to monetary education as a child, but generally those who do not gain financial literacy early in life struggle with understanding money and how it works until they do gain financial literacy.
It sounds as if you have had some financial training, probably given to you by your parents. Having things like an emergency fund, particularly at your age, is exceptionally rare.
If your partner hasn't had a similar experience, it can be extremely painful to them to see you 'have money', while they may feel like they struggle daily.
There is a reason most lottery winners who are poor typically lose all the money they win in a matter of years... Even hundreds of millions of dollars can disappear on them in often as little as 7 years. Understanding the psychology of how poverty finance works can help in these situations.
Most people, without financial literacy training, will immediately spend all of the money they have. This behavior is taught to them at a very young age. The reason is that money you don't have can't be taken from you. Debt is essentially forever and infinite. Liquid capital is extremely limited and will disappear if not used immediately. Most poor people will immediately spend all of their money on themselves, their family and their friends without thought. This desire to spend is not driven by greed, but instead by love. Everyone wants their friends and family to have the things they desire. Since money is temporary, spend it when it is available.
The psychology of not spending money is literally only a privilege of those who have some financial freedom.
From this lens, seeing a person you are with not spending their money on you is painful.
This isn't to say that is exactly what is happening, but it sounds possible.
What does sound true is that you are already on guard. This on guard feeling is the part that is hard to escape... And frankly it can be difficult to ever move past this.
To be clear, this is a you problem.
That isn't too say that you are wrong. But the problem is yours to figure out. Either you figure out if you think he is taking advantage of you or he isn't.
This is going to be a you thing to work out. You should ask him questions to figure out what he is doing and how he feels. You need to figure out how you feel.
If I can offer some input to an overarching problem you are going to face other than just this one. I am like you in which I am frugal as fuck. I have a lot of spending money because of it and am extremely uncertain about trusting anyone that feels the need to make me spend it one way or another. Frankly, this feeling sucks.
I have dated someone that was rather carefree with their spending habits and it makes you very uncomfortable. However, that isn't healthy for me mentally and I needed work out the problem. If your relationship becomes serious enough, you will be sharing finances to pay for things like a home or food.
My frugal solution to that problem that puts my mind at ease is to keep your finances completely separate and have a single pool or account you share for the sole purpose of paying bills, dates and things like that. You both contribute a percentage of your income depending on who makes more and what you both are willing to put in. If you don't have enough in there for the thing you want to do, then tough shit unless you both agree to add more.
Having your accounts separate after that allows you to rest easy knowing your money is still in your control, your bills are being paid equally, and your partner can spend their money on whatever the fuck they want and you don't need to feel like they are wasting it. At the end of the day, it is still their money to do with what they wish.
That being said, you need to get your partner to agree to that. Which can be easier said than done because they may feel like you don't trust them. In all actuality though, you don't want to have to need to trust them. So starting with this idea of financial separation at the beginning of the relationship is a lot easier than later down the road.
Unfortunately, financial decisions are a major thing that effects relationships. They will come up in yours as it will eat at you until you do something about it. So relax, take the time to think about what you want and share it with your partner. If they can't get on board, then you will not last. Not trying to be mean, but it will cause resentment like you mentioned before.
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