I'm a huge fan of splitwise-like apps, but somebody (way before this relationship) convinced me that you shouldn't count pennies in a romantic relationship. I feel like that was terrible advice and I should not have listened, because (ironically) I now spend a lot of time penny-counting ("last time he paid $20 for food, this time I paid $35").
We had this discussion early on in our relationship and we opted to keep it more """natural""", but I think I may want to talk to him about splitting everything more evenly. I just feel like that's an asshole thing to do once we've already started the relationship, but I'm probably wrong.
Thank you so much for your reply!
I think the size of the trip is small enough that if we want to reduce costs we might just not end up going and doing something more local (which honestly, I don't mind either). The trip size/hotel choice was also mostly his idea, not mine. I didn't mention this in my original post, but I think this adds to my feelings towards this trip (i.e. "why am I paying more if this was your idea?" even though that's an awful way to put it)
Thank you for your sample message, sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally incompetent and don't know how to frame the simples of things lol.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it!
I can "afford" this trip in both senses of the term, the trip will not have any impact on my necessary spending/bills, and I have an emergency fund that is not being touched by this trip. It is still, psychologically, a huge amount for me. I am the kind of person who thinks twice before buying McDonalds, which again is out of frugality, not of necessity.
In terms of the hotel and the idea of the trip, both were his, though we did have a discussion beforehand. The hotel is only a bit more expensive than the cheapest option we had.
Your may be worried that he is using you for your money. If you are afraid of that then you are already in a bad place in your relationship.
This was a scary sentence to read, lol. I have felt this way a few times in the relationship already. I have brought this up and there has not been a huge outcry, more of a "I had no idea you felt this way, I'm sorry." We always take turns to pay when we eat out, for instance - but I've also noticed we (well, he) tends to spend more when I'm paying.
I think the reason for this is because, for him, the only other kind of relationship he's had is with family (where they obviously pay) and friends (he has a rich friend who, I've heard, covers a disproportionate amount). He's used to "being treated" and just subconsciously doesn't think too much about what the other person is paying. This is also my first romantic relationship, but I live on the other coast from my family and my friends always split the bill, so I'm always very conscious about what other people are spending for me. I don't really know if there is a "right" person here.
I have a hard time saying no to things, too, which is perhaps a part of the reason why it's reached this point. But for the trip, I expected it would be more even.
Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn't too keen on having the discussion. I don't think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn't have the money right now, so I didn't really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I'm pretty frugal. Even though we're both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I'm worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don't know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too "cheap" and should let things go. At the same time, I'm feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I've been bottling it up for a bit since he's going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can't keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
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How do I bring it up to him? I'm worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we'd have to cancel the trip.
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Should I just "suck it up"? I know in relationships things aren't always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I'm not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It's just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.