Welp, I totally misinterpreted this picture! I thought she had asked him into the shower for a little sexytimes, but she's on her period and didn't want to mess up the bed. Dude don't care, he still went downtown during shark week.
Emily Elizabeth's mom (looking at bank statement): Jesus Christ, that dog is eating us out of house and home! We just can't afford to feed him any more!
I thought OP was looking for minced oaths that could be used in its place, and this is the first thing that came to mind for me. I use this one all the time because I try not to drop the big one around my five- and three-year-olds.
Paul Simon has so many hard-hitting lyrics across his entire catalog. I'm sure I could find something from just about any album, but for me, what comes instantly to mind is this line from "The Cool, Cool River": "And sometimes, even music/ Cannot substitute for tears".
I am also interested in the answer to this and which service the author is using.