he looks and acts like a guy who would rape a hot dog bun after two shots of tequila.

No notes, perfect

To make driving more appealing, I suggest living in an unwalkable American Midwest purgatory where there's fuck-all to do but watch tractors circle fields or meth

You will begin to associate the positive emotions of escape and freedom with driving, which will make you enjoy it a lot more

Your mileage may vary, but it worked great for me

The Lizardman Constant is 4%

A band beanie, yesterday. I wear such a hat almost every day

Maybe do something like siphon all but 3% of the gas from the tank and let a similar amount of air from their tires

But I thought there were no cats in America?

but if they aren't working for you, pay someone else

My realtor was never on time to a single showing. He never knew the answer to any question without taking time to look it up himself. He couldn't remember my specifications and his reading comprehension was non-existent as I had to repeat myself many, many times to get any kind of point across.

If I hadn't gotten my house when I did, I would have dropped him. If I were any other kind of business owner and one of my employees acted like that people would think I was a fucking moron for keeping them on.

Your realtor is your employee. Don't be afraid to fire them for shitty performance.

Amen, my phone doesn't do a thing to draw my attention unless someone is actively calling me or I have willed it do so for an extremely limited amount of time.

It feels so natural to toss my phone aside and not touch it again for a couple hours, it seems weird to me there are people that, like, cannot do that without anxiety

Rowthdowerrrr

LAST NIGHT'S BODY COUNT ROUNDED OUT TO A SOLID N' STURDY THIRTY, TEN OUTTA HEYWOOD!

I'm so glad someone added a single dot over the word "fuck" so I couldn't read it and get offended, whew

I would hesitate to call our foes "Intelligences," but they are most certainly Abominable, brother.

"It's a tragic day, four days into the school year," Gahler said at a news conference.

Fucking grim

It's not like staffers from the same campaign working directly under the head guy at the moment assaulted a female army officer or anything, don't be ridiculous

Shimmy shimmy ya Shimmy yam shimmy yay Give her the milk So she can take it away

I listen to a small fan generating white noise and sometimes my cat purring

God, or worse, a conversation around the conversation you're actually speaking in order to have

Their FAQ page for the holiday hole was fucking incredible. "The Onion on a good day" level comedy

Yeah, right? I have a diagnoses both mental and physical that qualify me as "disabled," but I haven't seen a box I get to tick anywhere yet that says "super disabled"

I mean they probably have "Hulkster in Heaven" too!