Hello friends, I read everything and thought about it and acted on it, and wanted to comment the resolution.
First, thank you all SO much for your care and advice! 🩵🏳️⚧️
I made a folder to drag the old pictures into, but I was still having trouble on the emotional side when I tried actually doing it. I talked to my partner about the struggle, and she offered to save then delete them for me, and then to go in and untag anything with my face. I gratefully accepted, and she did it. Problem solved (with help and extra steps)
Thank you all, wonderful humans!
Looking for engagement from my fellow Trans people.
Hello, you beautiful stranger. I recently decided to try to resurrect my old FB account after like 5 years to work on some real local community. I purged 3/4 of my friends list (didn't grow up in a trans-friendly environment), and opened up my pictures to start removing things, and... I can't.
I can't look at them without it feeling painful. But I also can't imagine myself deleting pictures of such big things - my engagement, years of wonderful dates with my now-wife, pictures with my old cat from before he passed - damn near every picture feels like sandpaper on my soul to see, but even worse to delete.
Any advice on what the heck to do from anyone who has been there?
Thanks 🩵🏳️⚧️
I started with the most intensely femme name I could think of, but after a couple of weeks it started to feel a bit off and too youthful to reflect how I feel. I realized that I couldn't picture me using it in most contexts, it was just giving me euphoria because it was a feminine name, so I went back to the drawing board to find something that is more "me".
I then proceeded to draw a blank. So I started repeatedly refreshing a random name generator with my wife. Eventually I heard something that sounded almost right to my ears. I changed a letter, amd it felt good! Then I realized I'd only ever seen the name on a pokemon game.
That sealed the deal for me, a name that sounds close enough to a common name to not stand out, but isn't common, and is a callback to geek heritage. That's a fit for me, and it passed my vibe check, so I kept it.
Now I just need to get my inner monologue to start using it. Its been months and my brain keeps deadnaming me =(
And I still want to figure out a middle name. I am sure as shit not keeping mine, but I want to choose something with more personal meaning, instead of just nice vibes. Unfortunately, I am still drawing a blank there, but it'll come to me eventually. I feel it =)
CW - short mention of unsupportive parent, very supportive sibling, weddings, boymoding, and emotional dissonance.
So, I am a mid-30s babytrans woman about 50 days into HRT and (most days) I have never been happier. But I had an experience recently that has thrown me for a loop. I went to my brother's wedding and didn't feel comfortable girlmoding (to the extent of my limited abilities) because of an unsupportive parent who would be there.
I explained that to my brother way ahead of time and he was extremely supportive (he said something like "be whoever you want to be" and that limiting conflict at his wedding was not necessary bc I am who I am, and straight-up offered to throw down and cut off contact with the unsupportive parent if that is what I wanted). I didn't feel comfortable with the conflict potential though, and I REALLY did not want to make his wedding be about me, so I just boymoded.
But then he went out of his way to get the unsupportive parent out of the way for a few minutes to get a group photo of all the girls at the wedding with their photographer, specifically including me, and I found out that it was a group effort and the only reason they even did a group photo of all the girls was to actively include and support me.
I held it together decently, then cried my eyes out in private afterwards, and had a hard time articulating to them how much it meant to me afterwards.
But now, a handful of days afterwards, I feel weirdly pathetic. Crying, overflowing with gratitude and joy, for something that SHOULD just be the normal default. Like, I feel like someone gave me a kidney or something, not like someone just treated a girl like a girl. So now I feel bad that I feel good, and it is hard to parse everything. And now I feel mad at myself for not just letting myself feel happy. Hormones kicking my ass probably aren't helping. In the old days, I would absolutely have been able to just use willpower to set one feeling over to the side and feel the other, but my emotions are far too present and attached to do that any more.
So, the advice I am seeking - I am wondering if any of you have a mindset or a way to mentally frame it that I can try to adopt to help with the dissonance of everything, and just let myself feel happy. I can't set it aside any more, but I can recontextualize the situation and let my feelings change themselves... I just don't know what to recontextualize TO that doesn't dimish the kindness and support, but also doesn't diminish my own unsteady feeling that I have an innate right to be a woman.
And holding both at once (plus a couple of other things not mentioned above) is too much at once. I took a sick day today because I can't focus on anything because too many feelings are screaming at me.
That's great! Best of luck to you as you explore this part of yourself and figure out what it means for you personally. You go, girl!
I realized I was absolutely trans under a month ago. From the different stories that everyone tells, everyone's experience is different. I'll share a few things that were meaningful to me and how I ended up personally realizing I am trans, but everyone is genuinely a unique person with their own path to find.
For a couple of wonderful general statements that I read elsewhere (recommend the gender dysphoria bible in the sidebar):
People who are completely 100% cis don't usually worry about the idea that they might not be 100% cis. If the idea keeps sticking in your head, it is worth exploring it further.
Being a woman or a man or neither or both or anywhere on any gender spectrum does not require you to do anything. You can be a trans woman, or trans femme enby person, or anything, recognize it, and then do nothing. Sure, it is common for that recognition to spark a desire to change something, but you never have to, and NO step or change is required to be who you are. Try to take the worry over "what it means" out of your analysis, and just ask yourself what feels right. "What it means" is a much longer-term thing to sort through over time, and will likely change over time just like everyone does.
For me, the things that finally tipped me over the edge of realizing my transness about myself were:
- The idea that the only meaningful way to identify your gender is completely internal. I was wishing I was a woman extremely often, but thought I couldn't be one because I kept viewing gender as an externally-definable thing, and the limited other trans/female narratives that I had heard were things that I personally had not experienced in my life yet. But it isn't about fitting an external definition of being "trams" or "woman". The external definition is meaningless. The ONLY meaningful way to define your gender is to feel inside yourself, not looking at a list of what makes someone trans.
- Eventually I realized that constantly wishing I was a woman IS gender dysphoria, and that I could choose to define myself differently, if I wanted to. That really opened my brain up a crack to the idea. After that...
- I read about the null hypotheCis. Taking a step back and weighing the ideas of "I am trans" and "I am cis" with equal possibility, instead of assuming cis was a default and being trans required me to find solid proof. As soon as I tried a thought experiment of flipping it entirely around, to mentally try to find the evidence to prove to myself that I was cis, the whole thing collapsed and I knew that I am not.
Hopefully one of the journeys the community has posted about here will give you a place to start digging at the question until you feel comfortable with your answer. Also, basically everything I said above came from the gender dysphoria bible, so reading that and seeing if it resonates with something inside might be a good place to look - took me a couple of hours ish to read. Best of luck out there, stranger!
Thank you! It feels like so much. Gonna need to read that 1. 2. 3. A few more times. Maybe write it down somewhere.
I am experimenting with names and pronouns - I used a feminized version of my name earlier in the journey (something like Jess instead of Jesse) but it doesn't fit me now. I want a name that resonates with me instead of it just being a sound, and I know that's not a part that anyone can help with. I want to find a name the same magical giddy rightness I am getting now when my partner calls me her wife! I hope I just know it when I see it.
Actually, my username is new because my old other-instance one was related to the name I'm leaving behind. I wanted it to relate to the fuller me I'm discovering and realized that there is too much that I don't know about her.
Thank you for the reminder to keep my wife in mind too. I'm in such a tizzy of worry and excitement and she is so supportive and on board and... I think I need to sit down with her and really talk about what it means and what could change and open that conversation conduit as wide as possible.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and helping me see more things to look at!
Thank you for sharing your story and advice! I completely relate to things never clicking because it wasn't on my mental menu of self-options.
I talked with my partner about what I can do today, and she's going to try to flip to using girly nicknames and pronouns at home. Her brother lives with us (didnt mentally do well living alone), and I am trying to figure out how to pluck up the courage and ask him to do the same. I can't imagine him responding badly, but I am really really not used to being that vulnerable.
Then Monday I'll talk to my therapist about how I can open up my mid/long term choices so I can start something as soon as I feel ready enough. Whew.
Thank you for the words and the things to think about!
I'll look into voice training after work today! There are a lot of gaps in knowledge that I can't wait to fill in, I am scared and excited to see where I go!
Thank you! I speficically asked for advice from transfem people or validation from anybody, and this is absolutely validation from anybody!
The support is welcomed & appreciated! Hearing that the GDB didn't resonate with you is somehow reassuring at this early point in my journey. Thank you!
Thank you, genuinely.
The self-distrust on this runs so deep, and I just really needed to hear someone say it to me. I'm probably going to read this another hundred times this month until it sinks in.
So, thank you, from the bottom of the old heart and the top of the new one.
CW: imposter syndrome, depression, passing mention of prior religion.
This turned into a novel, sorry. I don't have anyone trans to talk to IRL and I just... Needed to say it.
TL;DR, I was exploring my identity a bit and ended up swinging a golf club straight through the center of my egg last night by reading the gender dysphoria bible. Now I have no idea what to do and am alternatingly filled with huge buckets of fear and joy. Advice from transfem people or validation from anyone would be really wonderful.
I finally got to a very stable place in life at 33, and started a journey of self-exploration with a therapist to sort through the last 17 years of depression, escalating introversion, and extremely low energy for anything outside of the house.
After a lot of talk about a lot of other things, I allowed myself to step out of this safe and sturdy mental construct that I built for a time in my life that I needed it, and opened myself up to being someone other than the person that I always thought that I had to be.
Among other mostly smaller shifts, I ended up on a gradual slide from "maybe part of my identity is enby? Is that a thing? Enby-sometimes?" To "oh, no, that part of me is definitely female" to "oh, uh, the more I leave the rigid fenced-in built-for-survival part of my mind, the more parts of myself I find that feel this way".
I always wished I was a girl, but my mind refused to cross to the idea that maybe I am one. But I opened my mind a little. My wife gave me an old skirt to try to see how it made me feel. I was a little scared because I knew I really wanted this. I waited until midnight, slipped out of bed, put it on and just sat down in my closet. And just wearing it, just sitting down in the closet for an hour, was the most fulfilling experience I can remember in my life. It felt spiritual, somehow it felt whole. I cried and smiled and just felt my heart and my legs until I couldn't stay awake any more. I held that memory in my head for days, replaying it over and over and just lived in that feeling in my head.
I bought a few more skirts online, and wore them around my spouse. We went out of town for a long weekend and I just wore them inside the room with her, and basked in the feeling of feeling feminine while I sat on the couch or played board games. Even outside of those moments, I started to feel better, and realized how bad my head had gotten beneath the surface as I started to have better feelings to compare it to. My wife took me shopping for some other female clothes. I almost died from shyness. Then I went home and held them and wore them and my entire world felt so much brighter. Mirrors feel bad, but I feel happy without them.
So of course, the completely logical conclusion that I reached was that there was this feminine part of me that I needed to make room for, off to the side of the rest of the "me" in my head. Yeah. Totally just a wonderful hidden aspect of personality to welcome in. Not trans here, haha. I don't have bad conscious dysphoria about my body, and I only always WISHED I was a woman, that didn't mean I AM one, I can't count as a real trans person, I'll just have this nice little ball of sunshine in my life over to the side to enjoy when I can. Like I found a new book to obsess over, just a few thousand times more amazing. And more fulfil- wait, no need to disrupt my thoughts or reconsider anything at all, haha. I'll just enjoy the moment, that's all.
Then I remembered seeing a reference to the gender dysphoria bible somewhere here on Lemmy, and thought I would look it up. I read through it expecting to learn a bit about how to explore or understand that feminine aspect, maybe how to bring it out a little bit since it makes me so happy. Instead, I got the uncomfortable feeling that the author had lived inside my bones for 30 years, told me my own story back to myself better than I could have told it, and pointed out that all of those data points make a constellation that screams "you are trans" so completely that I cannot possibly un-see it. Egg: kaboom.
Since then, SO MANY pieces kept falling into place, one after another. I had "no true scottsman'd" myself my entire life - with a sheltered christian homeschool upbringing, being a woman just wasn't in the list of options I thought existed for me, so absolutely everything was somehow included in a box labeled "totally fine for an admittedly abnormal man to feel" and now I suddenly realized that maybe always wishing I was born as a woman, always relating better to women, only ever having close female friendships, frequent fantasies about being reborn/reincarnated as a woman, and preferring a thousand sociatally-female things weren't just quirks in a totally-a-man's personality. This wasn't some side aspect, it is a lens that finally makes everything fit, rather than feeling like kludged-together random parts of human.
I read about gender euphoria, I read about biochemical dysphoria and realized I checked off every box in the "depersonalization" section, I read a lot of signs in the following chapters that felt uncomfortably like they were written specifically about me, I read about Managed Dysphoria and thought "oh shit", then imposter syndrome, and the Am I Trans page. I followed half a dozen links from the pages and some of them further. And I was left feeling SEEN in a way that felt both devastating and somehow whole.
I can't un-know this. I can't explain why this feels like it changes everything, but it does. I have no idea where I want to go in the long term. I still feel like I don't count as a trans woman and it makes me cry. It all just feels like too much, too overwhelming. Everything in my personality and history is recontextualising and it is overwhelming.
How do I process this? What do I like... do... about this sudden knowing? How do I find someone who has walked this path to tell me that what I am experiencing is OK, or to help me start to paint a picture of what I want the future to look like? Every path seems endlessly long and frightening right now. How do I get my euphoria at the possibilities to come back, instead of this fear?
Additional info to help narrow down "what now?" - I am safe to be out at home and in most of the tiny fragments of human community that I still have, if I ever feel comfortable in myself. I'd probably keep most of the people. Transitioning is fincially possible, if this doesn't nix all job prospects forever (tax accounting). I used to have a decent number of friends all across the lgbt rainbow, but moving --> covid --> depressive isolation means I don't any more, only my pan wife and a few cis friends and family members nearby and far away. My wife is extremely supportive of wherever this journey takes me (as long as it is still with her). My depression manifests with an inability to do anything, not in an "active" way, so I am not in physical self-danger. No kids to worry about, but we do have 2 cats, a dog, and a handful of half-dead plants. Family that would judge is already cut off, and those that remain would approve, but may not quite "get it". I often use too many words when writing things down.