Apartments also seem nice since it would mean being surrounded by people and more chances of doing stuff with them and having fun instead of being alone and isolated.

I got new socks with cat eyes on them and stretching them out is really funny

I finally had my therapy appointment today. I have to stop doing it weekly and have to change it to non weekly, because my dad getting mad and telling me I'm getting ripped off. And like.

cw: talking about suicide and self harm again, nothing serious

whatever. anyways me and my therapist also talked more about bipolar and borderline personality disorder/bpd, and we talked about mania and hypomania. in which, I guess it's looking a lot to be borderline personality disorder I'm dealing with, since I'm dealing with a lot of the signs of bpd, since we talked about it more. meanwhile for bipolar I never really had any episodes of mania or none I can think of. Meanwhile I def do have other things like dissociation or paranoia at times. interpersonal issues and just like a lot of things. anger was also brought up and that is something I know I'm not managing properly either and does really need to be addressed.

anyways like, one thing we did talk about is just a need to feel safe? one being feeling safe financially in case if my dad does dies too soon because that would be bad. she wants to like work more with teaching me more coping skills, and maybe I should hold off trying to work for a little bit since I might not be ready for that. which might be fair, since maybe im not ready to work again. I dunno, assuming I have reliable transportation anyways since me and her also talked about that to.

either way, whatever. according to my dad I'm just being ripped off I guess!

cool, my dad taking his depression/anger out on me. im going back to sleep, fuck this day

I feel okay now, a little happy even, and now I feel like I was faking it earlier with the constant worrying of tomorrow and unable to relax. I don't think I was making it up? Either way this is fun, I love this. Then I know im gonna feel this way again where I can't stop worrying and then oh everything fine again, what was that? I wasn't worried at all or anything! I'm okay and perfectly fine! Nothing is wrong!

I hate this. At least I'm seeing a therapist I guess, but holy fuck it feels like sometimes im making things up and feeling like I'm being manipulative.

hot flash and it's also really hot outside to

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I'm not sure why I can't handle my dad drinking anymore. Maybe I never really was able to handle it since the last few years weren't really that good either. But this year it just like. At least last year I was kind of able to relax and get my mind off of stuff for brief moments? Not always, but usually. But this year, especially last month or two. I just really can't relax. I can't watch a movie or show or play something or whatever without being worried of something bad happening. So I'm usually just really doing nothing but waiting and waiting. I can't really even do things like meditate anymore.

Like I don't know, it just would be nice to not worry about tomorrow anymore. Guess I'll also note this down for my therapist later on. Like I was doing more or less okay when my dad was sober, but now days each time he's not, it does bring out this extreme reaction inside of me, sort of like panic but not exactly. I dunno, I hate this. I just want to be able to relax and not worried of something bad happening the next day.

Sure you don't approve of drone striking or killing civilians as you support said actions indirectly in the name of killing "terrorists" or bringing "democracy". Maybe use those critical thinking skills of yours and think for a moment? Maybe you should go read about all the american atrocities that america does when it is bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists" like Abu Ghraib for starters. It sure is "strange" how these atrocities keep happening every time america out bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists". I wonder why that could be?

Also america pretty authoritarian, and it's weird that criticism and critical thinking seems to stop as soon as we reach authoritarian countries like America. I mean it's not like america is the home of mass shooting, the genocide of indigenous people (that still ongoing), home of slavery and mass racism. Home to lots of nasty shit. What do you think of things where America did things like MK ultra to american and canadian citizens? Experimenting on someone own citizens with no consent is pretty authoritarian no? Hell besides that, I'd argue it's pretty authoritarian how countries like america allow homelessness to exist or refuse to provide proper medical care for it's people (not without extreme medical debt), or how about the entire prison and justice system? Everything you can accuse of spoopy authoritarian countries doing, america has done it or is doing it.

Like your a fool if you truly believe America is free and democratic. All it tells me you never been on the wrong side of America and experience it's worst side.

I am getting on you because has it maybe ever occurred to you that I don't know. Main stream media lies about those spooky authoritarian countries? That they aren't telling the full truth? That they lie, twist or manipulate? If you have critical thinking skills, you would realize that. You would realize that hey, maybe it's not true what they say about DPRK or China or wherever else. I mean want an example of media lying? They lied saying that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. What about the Nayirah testimony? Or in recent times are how like covid suddenly over, the pandemic no longer exists? Despite covid being around? How about the constant downplaying of things like climate change? Hell what about the lies about Ukraine how their suddenly no Nazi's in Ukraine, despite how main stream media, was talking about those Nazi's in Ukraine. Funny enough, even the american military was concerned about that. Don't believe me? Have a read. https://ctc.westpoint.edu/the-nexus-between-far-right-extremists-in-the-united-states-and-ukraine/

but hey feel free to think your smug and superior here because you think you got critical thinking skills as you fall hook line and sinker for propaganda bullshit. Which you can't entirely be too blame since United States is really good at propaganda. Like maybe at least realize you're not getting the full truth about things and investigate further, but there no point. I put way too much effort into this when I shouldn't have.

Boot licking as you defend american imperialism? Are you gonna defend shit like this to where america pretty much just terrorizes school children? like here https://theintercept.com/2020/12/18/afghanistan-cia-militia-01-strike-force/

also how do you feel about shit like this? https://www.salon.com/2015/02/14/i_no_longer_love_blue_skies_what_life_is_like_under_the_constant_threat_of_a_drone_attack_partner/

honestly, fuck you, I didn't want to say anything but people who defend american imperialism, pisses me the fuck off. You whine about tankies and shit, meanwhile you defend american imperialism that responsible for so much evil, woe and trouble in the world. its funny how you defend america when america hates its own fucking people. literally the country with the biggest incarceration population on the planet, but surely america believes in "freedom" and "democracy". also what, freedom to starve on the streets? freedom to be homeless? freedom to get into medical debt? that fucking freedom? meanwhile those "authoritarian" like aes countries are more free than america will ever be.

also just want to point something else out but since you care so much about "terrorists". how do you feel knowing people join up with some of those terrorist groups just so they can defend their homeland because they saw america kill their friends, family, children, and so on? also how you defend some american soldiers doing shit like shotting children just for playing in the streets? fuck right off.

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cool, my dad lied again and I feel stupid for maybe thinking this time around, he will stop drinking again for a while. he said he will stop no excuses, and then today and yesterday he has excuses to why he needs to drink. at this point maybe I should shut up and stop getting really hopeful. but I want to be hopeful because I want to think he will stop. and I want to trust and believe in him. so it just hurts. also I think that janitor job ghosted me so fun! but tbf it's only been like 5-6 days? but I have feeling they did.

cw: talking about self harm and suicide, mainly just venting about shit until therapy time comes later this week

I found a new thing I probably should talk to my therapist about, however I feel like im probably being too much for my therapist, esp. oversharing some things. I dunno. I'm trying not to like overthink things and trying to assume she's fine with dealing with me, since no issues so far or anything, but a part of me just looking for reasons that eventually she gonna ditch me, despite like only having two sessions so far.

I saw a really cute spider and spiders are just cool. I'm not sure which spider this was, I think a wolf spider? I dunno, but it's a spider and it's cute

yea it is very spicy, I imagine a lot of libs would get upset immediately. which is unfortunate because like, George Jackson is a really good writer and really cool

I finished Blood in My Eye. It was really good and I wish I read it sooner. I really like George Jackson's three faces of fascism, and that book made me realize that fascism also has an international characteristic to.

I kind of hate doing safety plans at this point. At least like my therapist gave me this list from her dbt book, of like what to do if like the mood to self destruct and other things, ever comes by. It has some good recommendations in it I might try. So that's good. Dunno if it will help or not but can't hurt.

I had my therapy appointment today, I had to do another safety plan, and I dunno how many times I had to fill out a safety plan at this point.

I did, thanks! It helped me get some ideas to put some things down as I reworded it a little. I hope at least I get an interview or get it, because it would be nice to work again and if I do get it, I just hope this time around I can hold it down. Since last time I worked like two years ago, I only lasted a day. But hopefully going to therapy will help with that

I lost my old resume that I would modify. Fuck I have to make a new one