I'm sure they're out by now in your area, but 5 gallon jugs (office cooler style) are at Home Depot/Lowes under normal circumstances. or install an undersink Reverse Osmosis system with a UV filter.
Obviously I have no idea of context and I am a publicly educated american...buuuuut, I don't envision anyone ever being actually "slammed". A mere series of words strung together is never enough to equate being slammed. Even when it is high-stakes political intrigue. If you ever played full-contact sports or been in a car accident, you might agree. Being slammed or slamming someone bodily is completely visceral, primal, and unforgettable. Comparing political arguements and hypocrisies is like describing FPS video games as actual war. There is no reality in that. And, it's lazy fucking writing.
Their fingers will be coated in butter