After a rather rough day that's part of a LONG and rough month, I feel like I should reflect on my life leading up to this point...
After a rather rough day that's part of a LONG and rough month, I feel like I should reflect on my life leading up to this point...
After a rather rough day that's part of a LONG and rough month, I feel like I should reflect on my life leading up to this point...
I was first diagnosed with autism and ADHD at a rather young age. Even though I didn't understand at the time, it did affect my life quite a bit. I was never really quite social, I was too afraid to open up to interests, and I seemed prone to having meltdowns a lot. I was able to get through school fine regardless, and I managed to find a job rather quickly.
Unfortunately, my work life seems at odds with my conditions. It's been especially hard with my supervisor, admittedly. Sometimes, I interpret what they're saying wrong and I get chewed out for it. I often get told to "use your words" whenever I'm trying to process their questions. Whenever I find myself in a meltdown, I'm told to abruptly stop or they'll punish me, and they always call me "disruptive" or "disturbing other people". I often get forced into trying to be productive all the time, even if my brain doesn't want to be productive. It gets even worse when we're working outside the office, as they tend to set higher expectations. And to make matters worse, I'm the only one in a certain key position, so my work load is pretty high, especially over this month. Whenever I make a mistake or forget to do something vital, I get told "you've done this hundreds of times!" or "you should know this by now!" And I'm no longer allowed to apologize because I've apologized so much I they think they mean nothing even though I'm trying to work as hard as I can despite my autism and ADHD making it hard! It also does NOT help that I've been told "I'm not here to babysit you" so many times it gets tiring. (Oh, and earlier this week, some of my co-workers are mocking my sounds of disappointment) And I feel like I have no support network in the real world; only online, which makes it worse since that and my hobbies are the only things keeping me afloat.
As I grew tired of this, I've looked more into how these conditions affect me, and it explained so much of my life. I also realize that besides my autism and ADHD, I might have executive dysfunction, rejection sensitivity, and demand avoidance/drive for autonomy. As I learned more about my flaws, I'm trying to figure out ways around them. Unfortunately, some of my emotional triggers are unavoidable at my job, so maybe it's time I try to find a more accommodating job. I haven't left yet since I still have to pay the rent, though. I'm hoping that whatever new job I find, the people there will be much more accommodating and understanding towards my conditions instead of dismissive.