Skip Navigation
Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
Ms. ArmoredThirteen @lemmy.zip

Difficulty staying motivated to dilate

I'm almost a year and a half post lower surgery. I've historically done pretty well dilating and kept really good depth. In the last few months though I've lost a bit of depth, I can still dilate to depth with a bit of work and some pain and blood but it's not fun and I suspect the bleeding part isn't the best sign.

I've been having a lot of difficulty being motivated to dilate though. I went through a divorce a bit ago, I lost most of my partners, the one who hasn't broken up with me I don't see anymore since I left the US. I'm in college again in my thirties so everyone I interact with is much younger than me.

I don't have anyone to physically interact with. It's making it really difficult for me to go through the process of dilating. Like I feel there's no real benefit or justification to putting in all the work if nobody is going to utilize it with me anyway. I don't know the next time I'm going to have even a casual physical interaction with anyone. The only physical contact I've had with anyone for two months is two or three handshakes. It's ruining my mental health, when I dilate all I can think about is not having anyone around to hold or touch me. It's emotionally exhausting on top of being a mix of boring and painful.

I'm supposed to be dilating once a week, I can maintain depth with some difficulty if I go every other week. I've been going more like 3 weeks between because it feels like such a hurdle now.

Not really sure what I'm looking for in posting here. Maybe I just need to let it out a bit, my social circle is still a mess I don't have many people I can talk with about things like this.

3 comments

  • I was in a similar position to you. Painful dilation, lost depth and single. And then covid hit. And I just stopped dilating.

    It's years later now, and sometimes, I feel a bit of regret. Yet when I think about going for another round of surgery to get my depth back, the idea of having to start dilating again feels really forbidding.

    Ultimately, I haven't been able to have the sex life that I was hoping for. But that was true before I had bottom surgery as well. And when I look at it that way, despite that issue, the other results of bottom surgery are still there. I feel better in my skin. My dysphoria is gone. Even if the outcome wasn't perfect, and wasn't quite what I hoped for, it's still better than where I started.

    All of which to say is, even if you do stop dilating, at least in my experience, it's not all doom and gloom.

  • I suspect it would be less painful if you dilated more frequently, could the pain and bleeding be due to going 2 - 3 weeks between dilation instead of dilating once a week?

    Even if you are lonely and single now, there is a future in which you may want that possibility, and the dilation might be for that future you, even if it's just boring and a chore right now.

    Either way, I'm sorry to hear about this - as someone who is dilating three times a day when it is painful and when it takes over an hour each time I dilate so I spend 3 - 4 hours a day dilating, I know exactly what you mean about struggling with motivation and exhaustion. (Talk about boredom, TV and movies have lost a lot of their appeal for me.)

    But dilating only once a week sounds like a dream to me - I can't imagine, it would bring my life back.

    Have you considered incorporating masturbation & pleasure into your dilation routine? It's possible to build new associations, even if right now it reminds you of your loneliness, it instead could become a ritual of self love and pleasure. (Maybe incorporate other sensual pleasures around dilation - chocolate, candles, a warm bath - whatever works for you.)

    Also, I've heard of women using a dildo that is softer and meant for pleasure rather than a hard dilator once they are far enough out from surgery - I suspect you could experience some loss in width that way, but I don't know how permanent that is (I've heard you can regain some width if you go down in size years later, but I don't really know when stenosis is permanent vs temporary).

    What dilator do you start with? I try to start mine with the smallest size (for me that's the SoulSource purple) so that I can go deeper with it, and then I work my way up to the largest (orange). Maybe that could also help you regain / maintain some of that depth and reduce pain & bleeding?

    There is no absolute requirement that you maintain a cavity or depth, it's your choice and your future - it might be worth talking to a therapist about your priorities and goals, and whether the current suffering is worth keeping open the long term possibility of penetrative sex for you. There might also be middle grounds, like using a smaller dilator to avoid pain, or just masturbating with a dildo to keep some depth and functionality.

  • Depth loss is generally permanent, though width loss is not. You a should ask a gyno or your surgeon about it, but generally I'd say don't push it too hard to try to regain depth, it may just cause more damage and pain. But definitely don't stop.

    You'll regret it later if you lose all of your depth and need surgery to restore it which can be expensive, hard to find without long wait lists, and may even be illegal soon.

    You can try dilators that aren't as wide to reduce pain and give up some of the width for now. It will be painful and take time and patience to regain, but if you think it's going to help you actually do it, that might be an option. Losing depth is a big issue, though. Try not to let it go if you can help it.

    I know depression can make it difficult. Try to reward yourself for doing it. Get some ice cream or your favorite desert for afterwards or something like that. I don't have sex with people with penises usually, but I plan to keep my depth as long as humanly possible just to feel healthy and feel more like a woman. Try thinking of it not in terms of what people want to use of you. It's your body. It's part of you. It's not just a fancy fleshlight. 🫂