Having a real hard body day. [CONTENT WARNING: Venting, Dysphoria, Self Harm, Mental Health, Abuse, SA]

Hello everyone,

My name is Ember, but you can also call me M.

My story so far:

I officially came out (again, more later) to my Clinical Councillor and my Wife a month ago. I am happy to announce that both accept me, and in their words "Have been waiting to have this conversation for some time".

If I had a nickle for every time I heard that in a 24 hour span I would have two nickles; but it is weird that it happened twice.

I have wasted no time in presenting myself as what I am, a female. I know this to be true beyond anything else, and since coming out and presenting as I should have I have never been more comfortable in my skin.

The quick back story, as I am not able to talk about this easily.

• When I was very young I was SA, and abused into "being a girl" by numerous people.
• When I was 8 I was beat up at school everyday for a week for being a "Lesbian", which I proudly exclaimed to anyone who would listen after learning that "A Lesbian is a female who is sexually attracted to other females".
• Through out my life I have always been closer to females than males, and always been more on the feminine side even when dressed or presenting masculine.
• When I started puberty I had a spike in estrogen and developed a-cup breasts. A doctor at the time assessed me and my estrogen was "higher than normal" and I was "unlikely to have normal chromosomes" I never followed up with that.
• Because of the aforementioned breasts, I was bullied mercilessly as a male.
• I spent a year in my teens living and presenting as a female. Unfortunately this was in a small town, and I don't want to say what happened to me but that coupled with no support made me move away from myself.
• I. Despise. My. Genitals.

Moving on to today.

I am having a terrible day with my body. My chest isn't big enough, my tuck isn't working. I cannot get myself smooth no matter how much I run my razor over my skin. I feel fucking gross, even though I have been trying to have a self care day.

I feel anxious. I feel depressed. I feel hyper vigilant, and am having a hell of a time staying present.

I have a history of self harm and suicide attempts, and I am not close to that point, (I do have emergency support if needed luckily) but the parts who speak those things the loudest are making a ruckus.

If you made it this far thank you for reading, and I hope you are well.

If you need to hear it:

"You are beautiful, and just as much as who you say you are as anyone else. You are loved, even if you don't know or believe it"

It helps, even if it is just a little bit.

I may not reply, but if you have any advice I would love to hear it.

Thanks again,

Ember