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Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
winter (she/it) @lemmy.blahaj.zone

Need advice

**So i'm in a bit of a weird position in my life right now. I've known i'm trans for the past 3ish years and recently started college. Most of the people around me seem to be pretty supportive and my parents are also supportive. I already have everyone calling me by my choice name but other then that I havent done anything I really want to actually start to transition so I can stop being depressed and there are some moments where like i really want to buy fem clothes but i go on amazon and its just too big of a mental hurdle to do anything related to transitioning has anyone else experianced something like this where they were in a place where they could transition and nothing was preventing them but they were just too scared to if so how did you deal with it?

Edit: Thanks so much for the advice everyone I think going on hrt is too scary for me but I'll order some fem clothes tomorrow. I really appreciate the advice and kind words <3

30 comments

  • You just do it, basically.

    It's legitimately scary but you get used to it and it gets less scary. You just put one foot in front of the other, focus on what is right in front of you, and you lean on whoever is in your life and will support you.

    I remember feeling so extremely vulnerable and scared when I first socially transitioned and sitting down to google "how to deal with feeling so vulnerable". It really is overwhelming, I remember that. The first time I left my house in a dress, I thought I was going to be killed in the street. Just going out dressed as a woman and not being harassed or even noticed was really helpful for helping reduce my fears, it was exposure therapy - the more I did it, the less afraid I felt for next time.

    This is a side note, but you are very young, and getting on HRT sooner vs later is an issue of harm reduction - I would highly recommend prioritizing that. I picked my chosen name when I was still a teenager, but didn't medically transition for decades after that - the regret is enormous, and this is a common and tragic story with trans people, so I always urge anyone to start HRT ASAP.

    In the right doses and route of administration, HRT can help immensely, esp. with depression.

    It does get better 🫂

    • I'm really unsure about the medical stuff right now bc of the politics situation even if I live in a blue state though and it feels like so much bigger of a hurdle too because it costs money and I am also not ready to like deal with my parents even though im out to them still

      • I understand your concerns. Now is a dangerous time to be trans. But keep in mind, it's also dangerous to have the wrong hormones.

        I second dandelion's stance on this. Start HRT as soon as possible. I didn't start on HRT until my 30s and my only regret is not starting sooner. Do not delay.

        The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.

      • of course it's your call, and I recommend getting a trans-affirming psychologist who has worked with trans patients to help you work through this as well.

        HRT is less of a big deal than it seems, though, and it has huge benefits for mental health, as well as helping prevent the body from further androgenizing. My body became much more male in my 20s, and it gets harder and more expensive to solve later - it's much better if you can get on the right hormones now.

        The changes are slow anyway, you don't have to tell anyone you are on estrogen, and coming out to your parents is the worst of it anyway - taking estrogen is entirely consistent with being a woman, there should be nothing surprising about it to anyone you have come out to.

        EDIT: if your parents care about your health, give them the medical and scientific evidence that shows HRT saves lives and has better outcomes than nearly any other medical treatment: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/

        This isn't controversial, and if they care about you, they will want you to be alive and healthy - this is a matter of your well-being, both now and for the rest of your life.

        EDIT2: regarding politics, coming out and living as a visibly trans person is harder and riskier than taking estrogen and conforming to cis norms by having a body that passes - and you have a better chance of passing if you start HRT now than if you delay. In my perspective, the politics are exactly why you would want to be on HRT, to pass as cis ASAP and avoid the possibility of not passing in a society that makes good on its genocidal promises, and where the violence and targeting is happening primarily to people who appear gender non-conforming (whether they are trans or not). I live as a cis woman now, after only a year or two on HRT - being so young, it will be easier for you than me.

  • Here are the things I did before I ever bought outwardly facing feminine clothing that helped me pass immediately:

    1. Wear a cute hat
    2. Colorful reusable face masks to match with outfits (a few bucks on amazon)
    3. Cheap but a nice looking purse (20 bucks)
    4. Work on voice (Free! Plenty of videos out there to start with)
    5. Paint fingernails (about 25$ for a 3-in-1 and a color, be sure to use non-acetone remover)
    6. Be well-groomed. (gender affirming barber helps a ton! https://strandsfortrans.org/)
    7. Wearing nice undergarments is a huge boon to self image even if no one else can see them!

    As for getting clothing when you are ready, I highly recommend Thrifting. The local thrift store changed my life and building a whole wardrobe from scratch is a huge financial investment otherwise. You can get multiple outfits at a thrift store for the same price as one new garment. It's ridiculous what stores charge for clothing.

    When you are really ready, you'll know. Everyone's journey is unique and it's not a race, it's a marathon. Go at your own pace! You can do this and you are worth it!

  • It's worth pointing out that wearing a couple of more feminine items isn't going to stand out that much before coming out my favourite sweater was bought from Monki and clearly not designed for a man. No-one cared. It's a really cute sweater so I only got compliments.

    The sweater in question.

    So just find one or two things that "spark joy" to express yourself and ease into it. I am currently on the waiting list for the extremely slow and convoluted health system where I live. So I'm in a similar position. I'm waiting for HRT and beard removal to come out generally. And yeah I'm constantly questioning wether or not it's the right choice, but then I think about what my life will be like if I don't transition and I get a cold shiver down my spine.

    I get that it's not a great time to be trans but you just have to imagine a future where you don't transition. Personally I would rather the voices calling me a freak come from outside my head. I spent the first half of my life miserable and have no intention of continuing the same way.

  • If clothes are too big of a hurdle perhaps start with smaller steps?

    Try a little lip gloss with a shine, a little nail polish, shave something you normally don’t, whatever feels right for YOU!

    My best advice without knowing more is to experiment small, let yourself work your way up at your own pace.

    The good news is there are no wrong answers here, let yourself explore and try to have as much fun as you can along the way.

    Here for you if you want to talk <3

  • Not exactly the same, but starting out I felt really apprehensive about going out in overly feminine clothing. I guess I was embarrassed about possibly looking like a parody of a woman, or maybe just doing something new that I wasn't used to. Anyway, the times when I gave in to my fear and wore something plain and androgynous, I'd feel terrible, like I was suppressing myself. I wanted to look and feel pretty and feminine!

    So whenever I was choosing my clothes for the day and I felt that "are you sure?" fear, I remembered that feeling of betraying myself by not wearing what I wanted to. At first I did have to force myself a bit, kind of not think about what I was doing, but as soon as I got outside and realized that nobody cared what I was wearing, I could relax and enjoy feeling good about myself. It got a lot easier pretty quickly after that.

    I guess my answer is yeah, it is scary and I totally understand being reluctant to take that first step. (On the other hand, you've already come out and are using a new name! I'd have thought that was a much bigger hurdle than a few clothes.) Try not to think too hard about it. You're just ordering clothes; you don't have to wear them, or show them to anybody. Then you can just wear them in your room; nobody has to see. And finally when you're used to that, make a short trip outside, or whatever. Baby steps. If at any point it turns out you don't like it, you can always stop, no harm done, right?

  • What helped me a ton was getting other issues in my life fixed. Especially getting my ADHD meds really made things a lot easier. Starting off small with fingernail paint like I've heard here or growing out your hair is an incredible confidence booster. And if you can't do even fingernails yet, do your toenails and never wear anything open toed. You still have that "hehehe I'm doing something girly" without the struggle of someone seeing anything. (Also helped me a lot getting over the "oh my god, my feet are so huge and manly and ugly" feeling)

  • I have pretty much the same experience. It was especially bad in times where my mental state has been worse. You always have to remember, that its ok to take it slow and remind yourself about the things you did (as example: Bought youre first skirt, got some underwear, painted your nails for the first time, went out in Girl mode for the first time). I can also only recommend starting a diary. It really helps to be able to tell all the things you feel (and if its just a book). It can also serve you as a record you did and create a record for if you feel down a lot.

30 comments