Return it to Pepsi.
Considering it is apparently a federal offense to tamper with aviation debris or accident scenes (assuming the plane looks intact) absolutely nothing, call local cops, they call AF.
I discover the crashed F35 in my lone walk in the woods. As I start to take it apart for parts, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Lockheed. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the feds come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of FBI. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Lockheed to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the F35
question why in the hell I am in South Carolina?
That is a very good question. Next question please.
You were visiting south of the border.
Great BBQ. Those rednecks do NOT fuck around with a pork shoulder. Charleston has really great food. Also, the hunley museum is pretty cool.
Otherwise, it's great if you also happen to be into book burning, or if you're a completionist collecting STDs.
Same, I live nowhere near the place
Trade it in for a boatload of pepsi points.
Call the number on one of the "Plane missing! Have you seen me? ✈️ ✈️ ✈️" posters the Air Force put up all over the neighborhood.
Hotbox the cockpit. And this would only be the 2nd time I hotboxed the cockpit of a fighterjet.
Story time! Details please!
Ha, I thought nobody would ask. It probably will be quite a disapointing story though, sorry.
Anyway, I was on holiday in Slovakia and basically, they just have old sovjet jets sitting around. We visited a very small "airport" (the runway was grass) used for skydiving. And they just had a MiG-21 sitting behind the building. No fence or anything. One of the Skydiving company staff said I can sit in it, if I want. So I did. He didn't come with me or anything. It was also out if sight from anyone on the airfield.
Apperently this isn't unusual at all and these planes are just sitting around in random fields as "decoration".
Here's a googlemaps link. I sat in that one!
Assuming I could figure out how to turn that thing on, I would definitely:
- Take off
- Go to maximum velocity
- Burn out all the fuel
- Acknowledge that I have no idea of where or how to land
- Look for the button to the ejection seat
- Glide down towards the equator
- Eyeball the necessary altitude
- Push the button
- Pull the parachute cord
- Flip both the birds
- Land on a beach
- Walk up to the bar
- Ask for a beer
- Run from the bill
Minor detail, the original pilot left it via the ejector seat...
I'll bring a lawn chair then.
This one doesn't have an ejection seat, remember?
take off
Knew you meant it as a joke but i thought it interesting to share that Fighters don't have a simple "start" button, here's a F-16 startup sequence for reference.
Good thing I've watched that video, twice then!
Most of that isn't involved in actually starting the plane.
They are things that would be good to have done to fly safely. Something analogous to turning on and tuning the radio in a car. You can absolutely start the engine and drive the car without doing that.
Claim 10% finders fee and retire.
I would fly into the dangerzone.
dramatically intense 80s electric guitar solo
Sit in the cockpit and make plane, missile, and machine gun noises since I don’t even know how to turn one on let alone fly it.
Pretty sure this one comes without a seat, and the aftermarket prices are ridiculius!
Just a reminder, the last guy to fly it took the seat with him.
get as far away as possible, the smoldering wreckage will be full of toxic gasses and contaminants
It's a Marine F-35B and likely crashed into a lake.
ba dum tss!
Assuming no consequences, I'd love to open various panels and try and figure out what does what. It'd be really cool to see inside one of those.
Aaaaand this is how you get suspected of being a Chinese spy.
I said no consequences...
Since it tricked the pilot into ejecting, I assume it's gone feral and is still buzzing around looking for a mate. If I didn't have a big net to snag it in, I'd have to build a wooden decoy or perhaps just leave a paddling pool full of jet fuel out in a clearing. I'd keep my distance at first and try to gain it's trust.
Call Kenny Loggins.
Grab any modular electronics, charter a boat to the Bahamas, divert to Cuba after stashing them on a deserted island along the way. Use a thumb drive of pictures to bargain for the gps coordinates to China.
Unless I thought of something better along the way.
Couldnt china get the same hardware from Afghanistan?
No. This is the first F35 to crash.
China has probably gotten more from their various intel ops in the US supply chain. There isn't a lot they could get in the field without risking serious repercussions.
Use it to fly back home, realize I don’t know how to fly. I’d assume crash after that, but there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to turn it on, in which case I’d take a bus.
Stay away from it, I am fine flying paraglider or ultra-lights , but the F-35 crashes way too much to my taste
I'd go to the beach because I am somehow in South Carolina.
Also, I guess call the USAF and report the location.
Maybe they'd give me a ride to the beach as a thank you...
Loot it for cool stuff, then just walk away and call nobody, because it’s not my problem. Calling someone would basically be volunteering for an interrogation. Fuck that noise.
I'd stare at it and touch it. I obviously can't fly one so it's not much use to me.
I'd take a picture cause no one would believe me.
I've got like 50h in flight simulator, I'm sure I could take it for a spin, what could go wrong.
First thing you do is hit the eject seat button.
id figure out how i can build a motor bike around one of the jets
I'd steal the pilot SOB's glasses. So long, sucka! Nice half a jet you got there, corpse-looking bastard. haHAA
haha
Sky King
Is it wrecked or perfect?
If perfect: I'd totally try flying it. Probably crash, but it would be worth it to see how good all those flight sims where I've flown an F-35 stand up to reality.
Me? I would defect to Ukraine and really weird them out.
Invade Serbia
Fill out with dirt and plant flowers inside ..... and put a statue of the Virgin Mary in the cockpit
Sell it
For meth
