6d ago

Anyone else join Beehaw (or other queer spaces) out of a feeling of wanting to belong, before even realizing you were queer?

I dunno if this is the right place for this, but I was curious. I joined Beehaw during the Great Reddit API migration, a few years ago at this point. I couldn't put a finger on why but I wanted to join a queer-friendly space. It just seemed like a good place to be, somewhere that seemed to have goals of inclusivity and being kind to one another that I thought sounded good. I wanted to belong somewhere like this place seems to want to be.

Then, years later, in Nov of 2024 my egg absolutely shattered and I came out to myself as trans. Then I just realized this morning that the timeline is kinda funny to me. Thought I'd ask and see how common that pattern was.

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Hold up, I'm not gay. I just got sick of reddit assholes and I don't particularly care what you all do with your plumbing in your free time.
I only ever wanted a space where I can freely post humorously (and apparently inappropriate) pictures of Helen Kellers' beloved cat 'Mittens'. The search continues it would seem.
- Beehaw isn't just for queer folks, nobody's gonna force you to be a lesbian or trans your gender, it's just that Beehaw is a space that is explicitly pro-queer folks.
  I am confused as to how cat photos could be inappropriate but ok. Hope you find somewhere to call home in the fediverse :-)
Hey! This is a really fun topic, hope it's OK for me to give the perspective of someone who (at the moment :P) identifies as a straight, cis man.
I joined beehaw because it felt like a super nice and safe space, not just for queer people, but for anyone looking for a kinder internet. I've always felt a strong connection though to queer people and we often get along really well. I think it has to do with the fact that, even though I still identify as a straight cis man, I don't really fit into the stereotype well. I hate macho culture, I am often very passionate and emotional, don't like "mens" talk etc. I also have some mental issues which make me "different", and in that sense I feel like we share a similar feeling of "not fitting in", be it for different reasons. Accepting yourself and others for who you really are seems like a central idea in a queer-friendly space, and this is stuff that can help anyone as everybody has something about them that is different or goes against the grain.
I do feel that I am more open to my own possible queerness. I still identify as a man and am attracted to women, but there are moments where I can really appreciate a beautiful man too. Where I would have brushed over something like that in previous years, now I quite like it when I notice it and enjoy the experience. Even though I haven't yet actually felt physical attraction, I like that there is a part of me that is able to enjoy this too.
- Hi, fellow (at the moment) hetero, cis man 🙂
  I mostly share your point of view and feelings, with a couple nuances. I've never felt strongly about my own gender, but still hate toxic masculinity with a passion. I've often chosen to pose as genderless just to avoid being associated with the "stereotypical man", but I've come to think that one doesn't need to be queer just to denounce toxic behaviors. There are some, few, role models of "positive masculinity", that one can follow, without changing labels. I don't think that "men" should let the toxic ones monopolize that label; positive masculinity should reclaim it, and push the toxic ones out!
  As for gender, sexuality, attraction... they're all on a spectrum, and not necessarily at a single fixed point, or intensity. Artistic sensibility is on its own, also not necessarily related to the others. I don't think that simply being able to appreciate a beautiful man, or woman, or lamp post, is enough to call oneself "queer". We may not be like the "stereotypical macho man", but that doesn't mean one should renounce whichever label resonates more with oneself.
My parents are lesbians, so I've been at least somewhat involve in LGBT groups since I was a young child, so not really surprising I felt some unity with the queer community regardless of whatever my own particular gender or sexuality was (which I assumed to be "technically cis" and "technically het" for the longest time). But yeah, I found myself frequently preferring queer online communities, particularly leaning towards those with lots of trans fems.
I already realized my queerness before the reddit exodus though. Twitch was the main website where I found myself in like 95%+ queer spaces for years before realizing.
- Funny how we're drawn together even before we know why we're drawn together sometimes. Thanks for sharing!
In 2021, through a person at work I used to be friends with, I began talking to a queer girl from the UK through discord after that former friend bought her a the same game we were playing together. After the first night of us three playing together, her and I began talking.
For the next year, we talked mental health stuff and shared pet pictures with each other. After a year she came forward to tell me all the creepy shit that former friend was saying to her. I witnessed this creepy behaviour through a group video call we all had together. I saw how much it affected her and it really pissed me off. There was a bunch of stuff that happened afterwards but the end result is that we both no longer talk to the creepy weirdo anymore.
Afterwards, her and her partner both asked me to come visit them in the UK. I went and had a great time with them. They both treated me like a person, holding no unreasonable expectations from me and allowed me to just be me. Retuning home felt like I had been punched in the face. Where people labelled me and held me to those unspoken expectations.
After returning home, I looked for a therapist that worked with queer people and people who lived alternative lifestyles. During one of our first few sessions, my therapist gave me a bunch of queer meetup places to check out. It was at a halloween event that I ended up meeting another queer girl who I ended up becoming really close friends with.
Recently she invited me to a pride party at the end of pride month. I felt a bit out of place at first because I was going out with a group of lesbians but they were all welcoming, chill and accepting of me. I had such a great time that night. The more time I spend with my friend and the people I meet through her, the more I got to meet lovely and accepting people.
All I ever really wanted was to be accepted just as I am and it makes sense I could find that in queer spaces. I wish I could have found these queer spaces earlier but I have to remind myself that I've been working to undo the damage of capitalism and trauma by myself for most of my life. I could only do so much when the majority of how I treat other people today came from doing the opposite of what awful people do. If I had more examples of good people doing good things, I would have learned good habits faster.
As much as I hate the creepy weirdo that accidentally introduced me to the UK girl, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been pushed to engage with the queer community more. It would have been nice to meet wonderful people without all the traumatic experiences but it is what it is. At least now I have wonderful people in my life that love me just as I am. And they aren't afraid to let me know how much they love me.
- It's insane the ways we can be positively impacted by terrible circumstances. I'm glad to hear things are looking up, and that you're surrounded by better people now! One of the best parts of discovering myself has been having a safe space at home with my partner, who had already been exploring some genderqueer conversations and topics. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been without them and their support through all of this, much less being in a rough situation instead.
  It really is cool how unjudgy queer spaces are, with the knowledge you won't be held up to some standard and deemed worthy or unworthy of someone's presence just based on whether you meet standards you had no part in choosing. Thanks for sharing!
I had a similar timeline. Joined Beehaw during the API migration, egg cracked September 2024. HRT November 2024.
- For me it was Nov egg crack, Feb HRT. Always fun to hear how far along others have come, especially so close together in date! How is it treating you? 'Cus it's been a real joy to me, for the first time ever lol.
  
  Transition is wild! I already had what I felt was a happy and fulfilling life, and transition just brings it all to a new level. I went full time just a couple weeks into HRT, and changed my online socials 4 months into HRT.
  I finished legal transition around that time, too.
  I started to be cis-passing around 6-7 months? Which is way earlier than I anticipated. I'm still getting used to that, but yes, it's just been 100% positive.
  I'm also super lucky that my partner is bi (but more physically attracted to women; I am a trans woman). She was actually pretty excited about my transition from the beginning. She's been suuuper supportive and very into the changes that have occured. I wish everyone could have a partner like her during their transition, she lifts me up when dysphoria drags me down.
  I'm curious what made your egg crack, and how it's all going with HRT?
This is really cute and heartwarming to read. I'm glad this is a space many of you have found comfy and useful! 💜
- As am I! Thanks to you and anyone else who moderates for your work in keeping the place sane <3
I can't speak to Beehaw specifically, but I think lots of folx become queer because they venture into queer spaces as an ally, and then they really enjoy the overwhelmingly friendly vibe, and then they start to wonder about their own gender and sexuality. Speaking mostly from my experience as a cis dude that has frequently questioned his own gender and sexuality over the past decade.
- I dunno that it's likely that folks become queer as a result, but I think I know what you mean. perhaps that they recognize the reasons they felt a kinship with queer folks is because of their own queerness whether we really comprehended it intellectually or not.
  It definitely rings true that we we wind up banding together regardless of whether we meant to!
  
  I dunno that it’s likely that folks become queer as a result
  yeahhh sorry didn't mean to offend anyone, I think I am flip about my word choice because I view the distinction as meaningless on a personal level. I don't really care if you "chose" to become queer or trans or if you always were and it was just hiding, your queerness is still valid either way! But I am realizing that that some may have strong feelings about the choice of language, and it is important to be respectful on that point.
I definitely relate to some extent. I also joined around this time and was glad to see a queer friendly space here. I'd just gotten into /r/196 a couple months prior and during the blackouts I saw several people suggest this place, so it seemed like a good idea to continue that vibe. Now, it's obviously not the same place, and I'm happy that this is not 196. We have 196 at home hehe.
Anyway, I joined beehaw around the same time that I started seriously exploring my gender identity and presentation. It's been very nice to have a space with sane individuals who don't judge me. We don't always get that in real life.
To me beehaw is like a friendly third space where I don't see any of my personal life echoing around like I would on mainstream social media and I really appreciate that.
I haven't often used this space to get help from people, but I really do appreciate the queer vibes and respect :)
Edit: forgot to answer part of the question.
I think I'm privileged to have loved ones around me that can validate my feelings and respect my gender journey/struggle but I think in a way I was definitely happy to find a place online where I could just be me without judgement.
- That makes total sense! It really does make such a huge difference to have people around you. I don't even remember where I heard of Beehaw but I remember thinking it sounded like a great place to be. A space that accepts people for whoever they are and doesn't judge.
I'm a member of a relatively well known queer VR group. I think when I initially found them I was still identifying as asexual so it doesn't really count... but anyway, the main reason I had started visiting that group was because I figured it would be one of the least right-wing spaces I could join... that group, as it turns out, also has some of the best moderators on the whole platform, and the worlds they run are well kept, trolls caught early, etc etc.
And well, as it turns out I'm trans now, so um...
- Hahahah! I can understand the desire to avoid right wing spaces too. There's something calming about knowing that the only thing you're going to be judged on in a queer space is being a complete jerk and treating people poorly, or trolling and trying to ragebait (which counts as the former if you ask me...).
  That's super neat though, I hadn't even considered VR queer spaces but that makes a ton of sense!
I did exactly the same! Joined Beehaw in 2023 because it seemed like a nice and cosy safe space, then my egg cracked a year later in June 2024. It's cool to see other people who did the same!
- Apparently it's more common a story than I originally expected, ha! Thanks for chiming in :-)
This is such a good topic!! Congrats on finding your true self!!
- Thank you so much! The worst days recently have been better than the best days before.

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