1mo ago

Would you enter a relationship with someone with genital herpes?

Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.

Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.

The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.

36 comments

Doesn’t like everyone and their cat have herpes?
- Not the genital one
  
  It's been a long time since I read about this, but aren't they really just the same thing in different places?
- I actually don’t have it all. I don’t even get cold sores. But I meant genital herpes.
  
  They meant that most people who have herpes don’t know it. It’s very common to have it and never have noticeable symptoms. You can find it with a blood test, but most doctors won’t give you the test because, what’s the point?
  67% of the world population has HSV1 and 13% of the world population has HSV2. HSV1 is usually oral, but can cause genital herpes HSV2 is usually genital but can also cause oral herpes. That’s 80% of the population so yeah pretty much everyone in their cat. Also, cats can get herpes but that’s a different thing.
I would be more concerned with the people who don't disclose it more than the person being responsible about it. Most people who have HSV2 don't know they have it because:
they're asymptomatic
shedding can occur when asymptomatic and they got it from someone who didn't know they had it
most routine std panels do not include herpes, even if sold as a "complete" panel
some blood tests are less accurate for herpes (antibody is more accurate).
Testing is only recommended by drs if symptomatic or if you suspect exposure. But if you are not symptomatic then some drs view this as a ethical dilemma due to the psychological and emotional harm a false positive can cause for a lifelong and incurable disease
This article is worth a read if you haven't already.
Anyway, to answer your question, yes, i would(and am in one). I don't want to tell you how to feel but for me it's not a big deal.
This is one of those viral diseases that you're unable to avoid if you're going to have any kind of active sex life. Regular oral sex always carries the risk of transfer of "cold sores" (which pretty much everyone has, although some never really show any symptoms) to the genitals.
- Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes though
  
  AFAIK that's not the same thing as "herpes on their genitalia" though. There are two kinds of the virus, type 1 and type 2. However, type 1 can infect the genital area and type 2 can (although it's not as common) infect the throat.
  Receiving oral sex from someone with type 1 ("cold sores") can give you herpes on your genitalia. It's still type 1 though, and is thus not referred to as "genital herpes" since that's the name given to type 2. Since many herpes infections are asymptomatic a lot of people don't even know they're infected.
  Confusing, yes.
No. It's life threatening to me since I'm on immunosuppressants.
It’s ridiculous that we don’t have a cure or at least a vaccine for Herpes at this point. Some scientists believe it’s a major contributor to Alzheimer’s.
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181022-there-is-mounting-evidence-that-herpes-leads-to-alzheimers
- I mean, it infects your nerve cells. That's a tricky place for medicine for obvious reasons.
Wow, that is quite the story. I have struggled with this question and how I would feel on either side of the equation. As a person who grew up in the conservative 90s who became a more balanced and freethinking person, I still have what might be an irrationally strong fear of STDs. This fear combined with religious conditioning around relationships kind of fucked up high school and early college for me. I was supposed to be boning the entire cheer leading team and I was learning about how angry Jesus was at my impure fantasies. My late 20s and 30s have been a lot better, but I still have a really hard time gaging risks and deciding how I feel about them so I tend to err on the side of being overly careful and miss a lot potentially great experiences with people. I think getting tested with a new partner is always wise.
One of the other commenters said "a lifetime of pills and difficult conversations". That's one of the scary places my mind might go to, but you could still reframe it as "I'm going to have get better at communicating needs and boundaries in my relationships, especially early on". That sounds less scary and more fulfilling. I still would like to avoid getting infected.
On a positive note, the fact that she was upfront and honest about it is a good sign. I'd tread carefully but if I really meshed well with the person abd saw a medium/long term future for us, I would probably try to figure something out to make myself more comfortable in the short term, like asking her to confirm she took her meds and using protection. If she cares about you and you make it about your feelings and not blaming her.
Lastly, none of us are perfect and you might have a few oddities she doesn't find particularly pleasant. Rejecting her for something that she can't change could make her feel like she's "not good enough" or "damaged" and even if you guys don't shaboink I wouldn't want a friend or crush to feel that way. That's the shit her ex did. I think it would be better to tell her how you feel about her (positive) and express that your apprehensive about the herpes thing.
Sorry for the wall of text. Thought about it a lot thanks to church school.
- You, her, and I seem to have pretty similar backgrounds. Although my church was more about “love thy neighbor” than penitence and punishment.
  Upon further, clearer headed reading, it seems like it’s actually not as big a deal as we were raised to believe.
  As far as her intentions go, I’m not really concerned about that much. I don’t turn anyone away, that’s just not who I am. I was just anxious writing this and a bit of my paranoia spilled out. I have no real reason to doubt her intentions, just trauma from people I should’ve doubted more.
- As some one who was also raised religious, I relate to this hard. Sex feels really scary, but at the same time it's something I'm really curious about. Any tips for dealing with that feeling?
  
  I'm a tall, straight man and squarely middle class so your mileage may vary.
  Lean into the discomfort. Discuss it openly with people. My best relationships were with woman who I was already able to talk about sex stuff with without turning bright red. This sounds like it is a hard place to get to, but that's the religious conditioning. Many people are open to talking about sex if they're comfortable and it's an appropriate environment. Not everyone feels the shame and worry because not everyone went through this.
  Consider talking to a therapist or counselor if it's impacting your ability to function in the world how you want to. Churches are just "good" cults and some use very sketchy, manipulative tactics. It's not your fault you got sucked into it, and it's not too late to unlearn those things. Don't throw out any good things you got from church, I'm great in front of a crowd thanks to my time with religion.
  Lastly, whips and chains may be scary, but some alternative lifestyle communities have classes or discussion groups that can show you the depth and variety of sexual expression without committing to actually participating and in a structured environment which can be a HUGE stress reliever for people.
yeah in college my gf had an adventure with a woman who gave her a type 1 genital infection. we tried to work it out but it was just too much. I never got it from her. the threat of getting it (and the whole thing of having to share her when I wasn't 100% on that) was like the end of the world back then. now I wouldn't give a shit! lol
Yeah, who gives a fuck? more people have it than don't.
- Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes
  
  Wikipedia says 60-95% of adults
I've you have ever made out with someone, you are already likely a carrier even if you aren't showing symptoms of any sort. It's actually on the rarer side for there to be active sores.
I mean it wouldn't be my first choice. If I found out early enough it might be enough of a push factor not to pursue them.
Not because of them, no. If disclosed up front and actively working to keep from sharing them I'd be OK with it.

36 comments