TW: suicide. Looking for someone to talk to, please read carefully

I'm not ok.

Have reached out to a couple of the people who responded (not replying to everyone all at once because I don't want to get even more overwhelmed having a few different conversations about it at once) but I have a feeling we're in different time zones and I'm also not very communicative in the times I'm dissociating, so no real conversations started yet. (E: this is NOT a criticism or complaint! just matter of fact - it hasn't happened yet, but it's happening).

My meds order has finally been picked up but not shipped yet. So much for paying a load extra for fast delivery.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I could explode from the pain.

I almost want to just let it all out here, but there is just so much explaining and so much detail that leads to this point, it would go on for pages and pages and I wouldn't even know where to start. There's just been (and still is) such a massive and accumulative amount of shit I am and have been dealing with for at least 15 years. Also while the writing (here, or of my irl final notes) sometimes serves as a mild distraction, getting to the most painful parts becomes too much and I just completely fall apart again (also why I'm still tentative about having an actual conversation with anyone, I'm just in pieces, sobbing hysterically, wishing I could scream until the pain goes away without the neighbours calling the cops).

I really don't know what to do at this point, in my mind when I'd planned for this time to come, the meds were going to arrive in 2 or 3 days max, but I think it's now day 3 or 4 and I still have at least a few more days if not a week to wait, and I just cannot bear this pain (in case anyone thinks to ask why I just don't find another method and do it already: I have tired other methods that are accessible to me before and failed, this method will not fail, I don't want another botched attempt) and being mostly bedridden means I have very few ways to get away from it (this also means that suggestions of holidays and bucket lists are not realistic, nor appealing in the state that I'm in). This is the worst agony I have ever felt.

The choice to exist or not is our final freedom, regardless of what anyone else says or the social pressures. I am happy for you that you are exercising your choice. Life is extremely hurtful on many levels. It may be relatively predictable, but it is hurtful, and leaving it would be preferred.

I'd want to return to a void of nothingness. No time, no feeling, no existence. My life is, interestingly, a pursuit of that quiet. Unfortunately I have concluded physical death is not the mechanism to achieve non-existence in my case, but I respect other's autonomy to try.

Before I decided to off myself, I realized I was liberated from all social norms. I decided to use my first drug because of this liberation, DMT. DMT behaves very strangely when you are ready to stop existing. I don't think you should change your mind actually, I agree with your decision. But if you are really going through with it, do yourself a favor and do a mega-dose of DMT. It is the closest experience or simulator to dying. May as well try death before dying.

You want someone to listen to your pains, I can do that, but you need to read this novel first. I am sure someone else here can listen to you without conditions. Since I have already lived what you are going through, I figure I have some insight to share and will do that instead.

Given how short life is, and how long non-life is, I concluded during these relative-stable reality times, it is more beneficial to pursue true death in "life" by living maximally.

If I remove my material body, the energy may spontaneously arise in a new body, or it may divide into significantly more agonizing or unconscious energy forms. An ant hive being consumed by cordyceps parasites? It could. A thousand flies desperately trying to find food before their clocks runs out? Sure. A reality where no joys exist at all, only hunger, only longing? ....why not? These things all exist here already, so it isn't far fetched.

Trading the predictability of a human vessel for the chaos of infinite realities is not what I consider a good idea, and since I've had hundreds of journeys with DMT and hundreds more with secondary "death-like" verifiers, in my own case, and my own evidence, I can conclusively say none of us can die.

Have you tried ayahuasca? Try it before you go. You can do anything now, your decision is made, so do anything.

We can exit the current material reality sphere of others, which can be satisfying in an ego-driven sort of way, but ultimately it may be a futile pursuit, because there are countless realities, and countless versions of each of us, and countless modalities of existence.

You see...dying is not what any one of us thinks it is. I want non-existence. It takes significantly more technology to achieve this than "ending life." The irony is, in the pursuit of not existing, existence opens up.

So I end myself regularly now. I can ghost anyone I wish, and start over elsewhere. I can quit any job (and have). I can end or start any relationship. I can grab a bag with minimal supplies and sleep on a hammock anywhere in the world. I've cooked BBQ bacon burgers among bears and buffalo. What will they do, eat me? Good.

I had a run-in with a moose during rut season but he decided to run circles around my camp instead of stomping on me. Darn.

I've made friends with people most would run in fear of. Turns out that even the scariest people can have a beautiful heart.

I've done mega-doses of acid and walked out into remote canyons, and driven 100mph in the middle of Wyoming, Montana, the Dakotas during snowstorms and icy roads where no one else is dumb enough to go. I've gone straight into hurricanes and tornadoes. I've regularly driven onto remote ocean beaches and had a cookout. Don't do that in Louisiana, they have mosquitoes even on beaches and they're hungry. I wouldn't want to be a mosquito that's a horrible life.

You know, I ended up going to every state in the US this way, before going to other countries. When you are ready to stop existing, why not? Who cares about borders? Who cares about laws? These are all invented by beings who want to live in a singular material reality. That's kind of sad in a way.

We don't. We want to end our existence here. I want to return to a true nothingness. The desire automatically unlocks multidimensionality.

I don't think I am anyone special. The opposite really. I want to be no one. I want to end my existing. In the pursuit of that, you can have some fun.

That that is my advice to you, that you didn't ask for: since you are slated to end, end all ties to your current life here first. You can ghost anyone you want. You can quit any job. You can sell any possessions. You can throw away anything. You can go anywhere and try anything.

Here is a basic framework I organically discovered in my own process that might save some time:

1. try anything that has a chance to raise your consciousness. More consciousness = more control = better chance of achieving actual end state. Don't bother with alcohol, heroin, or anything the removes your sovereignty.

2. freedom is king. Maximize personal freedom. Since you are slated to end yourself, you always have your exit hatch. Cut off people that drain you. Draining can be physical, emotional, intellectual, etc. Do not let people in who have a chance of doing this. If you find yourself thinking about someone else too much, and you are left in confusion, this is a clear sign. People that are good for you are generally transparent.

3. freedom at the cost of others is a trap. If you hurt others it will eventually come back and eat away at you. It also lessens the chance of a safe landing after material reality death. The logic in this is simple. If you're a dick, why would higher dimensionality entities want to hang out with you? I mean I wouldn't want to, I'd just let you connect with things that can match your dick energy.

4. you will find through a pursuit of death the underlying truth behind many things in reality. Many humans have already walked this in the past, you'll get eyeballs to see their impact. Trust your instincts and operate without regrets.

5. i'm bored so this is where my message ends. If you end up axing this iteration of yourself, if you happen to wake up as an energy form trapped in this reality, come hang out with me in a dream or something. I can guarantee you we'll have a better time than you've apparently had so far. At the very least I'd have a massive bonfire in your honor and burn sage or some shit, it smells good. Feel free to message me. Also, anyone else who is on the fence about dying, feel free to send me a message. Good luck!

I tried, but sleep was never going to happen.

I'm not really up to replying to people just now, trying to cling on to a moment of numbness, but I just wanted to say thanks, I appreciate the replies (here, on the deleted post, and in my DMs), I was not expecting anyone to even see this (or for it to be left up, thanks for not deleting it mods).

I feel very sad. Whatever happened to you, I hope the pain will vanish eventually.

Depression is the thing I deal with, for now I've got the upper hand. It was not always that way.

I'm traveling until the end of the week, but would be open to text.

It makes Me sad to read what people and life forced upon you.

I wish you love and warmth I will be thinking about you.

Oof, I feel you on the pet loss. I've come to believe that even child-free people develop a parent-child relationship need that most transfer onto their pets.

We've adopted a coping mechanism that is working better than I expected. After seeing Coco, we started doing a day-of-the-dead cultural appropriation ritual (sorry, Mexico) for the cats we've lost. Every year, I put out framed pictures and their ashes, and we break out some junk-food cat food (Fancy Feast), and at the end of the day our current boys get to eat the junk food. It's a celebration, a remembrance, and it helps. Weirdly, it helps.

I hope you figure things out.

Well, do you have a "bucket list" you wanna do first? I mean, if you're gonna go, make some good memories before going?

If you want, feel free to DM, share stories, etc. Not really up for a voice chat tho, if that's what you asking, I'm kinda voice shy...

But, please do some fun activities before you go.

I'm here if you still need an ear.

PM me.