A letter to a friend…
A letter to a friend…
Below is a letter I wrote to a long-time friend of mine; he moved upstate a couple of decades ago and we lost touch for a while.
I wanted to share it with you all as well. I guess I feel the need to reach out right now; to not feel so alone. And if someone else out there feels anything like I do, then I hope they can get something out of this too.
I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to try. 🤷♂️
~Trying is about the only thing right now that doesn’t hurt.~
I appreciate you man.
Some days/weeks are harder than others. Last night, and earlier today, has definitely been difficult. It shouldn’t have been, but it’s been two years this month since [my ex] and I decided to split; well, she decided, and I went along with it without much of a fight. 10 years ago, give or take, my dad died. My brother was being his usual ass self, and just couldn’t leave me alone, and we got into a fight. That was the last time I saw or spoke with my family. My kids, [my ex], and her family were the only family I had left. They were a great family too. They were the family I had always dreamed of having.
Every year at summer time they get together at [local beach] for a beach trip. They rent a big house, and [my ex]’s parents, brother and his wife, sister and her husband, and their children, all get together and just hang out for the week. Shit, now that I think of it, the last time I went with them to the beach was on the 4th of July in 2023. It was a thinly veiled “last chance” for me and [my ex], but we had one argument and by the time we got home she set it in stone that we were done. So I started looking for an apartment and I moved out by August. Now, I get to sit here all by myself while they go off and have their fun adventures.
I not only lost my adopted family, but our mutual friends eventually decided I wasn’t worth a damn anymore. Of course she’s still friends with them. It wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part, but they just couldn’t be bothered with me. So I gave up on them too. Not only was my family not mine, but neither were my friends.
I love my boys so fucking much. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting them. No matter how bad things get, I don’t think I could ever do it. I tell myself they are too young to deal with that sort of thing. Maybe in 8-10 years when they go off to college; maybe when they settle down with a family of their own. I don’t know. I think I’m just making excuses because I’m just a fucking coward.
I cry myself to sleep more often than not. In between the sobs I pray and wish that by the time morning comes, I won’t wake up. Hey, I’m getting old; I have a family history of heart disease and cancer. It’s not too far fetched, and my kids won’t be as fucked up as they would if I did it to myself. Coward.
So many times I’ve wished that the pain in my chest was on the left side, and not the right, where my anxiety lives. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone or something will do the thing I cannot bring myself to do for myself. Maybe: That’s my mantra. Maybe things will change. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life. Maybe, if I just hold on a little bit longer, I’ll finally be happy with what I already have and stop pining away for things I think I should have.
I’m all alone in this world. You’re up there with your family, what’s left of my family is down at the beach. I am here in the middle, all by myself.
I hope they think about me a little while they have the time of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. I know my boys love me. I can see it in how they look at me. [my oldest] loves laying with me on the couch. [my youngest] is always telling me about the games he plays. Both kids love having me lay with them at bedtime. [my youngest] did ask for me to come to the beach with them; if I could’ve, I would’ve gone with them. I have no doubt in my heart that they love me. But there will come a day when they no longer come to stay with me. They will leave here for the last time, and go on to live their own lives. Maybe they’ll stay in touch. Maybe they’ll visit from time to time. It’s that damn “maybe” again. Always giving me false hope. And I know from experience that false hope always ends up hurting the most.
Yesterday was a good day. I spent all afternoon playing with my boys at my old neighbor’s annual pool party. [my youngest] was glued to my side almost the whole time. We ate dinner at [my ex]’s. It was a hold over from [my oldest]’s birthday earlier this month. We always give the kids a birthday dinner together. Her sister and husband were there too, so I got to hang out with my nieces a little too. We watched Grizzy and Lemmings on Netflix (the youngest niece is 6), and we had a good time laughing at the goofiness of the show. But then I had to leave and come home. My fairytale had come to an end. My world, once again, came crashing down around me. The tide had ebbed.
I spent most of today sleeping. I woke up long enough to feed and water my dog and watch a movie. Then I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I woke up because the weight of my blanket made it feel like I couldn’t move at all. It’s a weighted blanket, but I felt panicked because I was being pinned down and it hurt and for a good while, I literally couldn’t move. I wasn’t paralyzed. I just didn’t have the strength to move. I did have a paralysis dream once. It was much different; much more frightening. At the time I dreamed I was in my bed, and a monster/demon was coming through my door. I tried to get up to move, but I just couldn’t. It was like when your arm falls asleep and no matter how hard you try, it just won’t move. Now that I think about it, I’ve had that dream twice now since my divorce. This time was different. There was no demon coming for me. I just couldn’t overcome gravity like I usually do.
I’ll probably go back to sleep in a little bit after sending this email. I have no good reason to stay awake right now. I’m always biding my time between sleep. I have no motivation to do any of the million-and-one things I need and want to do. I have fungus (not the good kind) growing under my house, which I still need to vapor barrier and insulate after my hot water heater sprung a leak earlier this year. I have spiders throwing raves and orgies in my garage because there are absolutely no walls and a shit ton of holes and cracks that need to be filled. I still have over half a yard full of leaves from last year that need to be raked (that’s even after bagging 30+ bags this year). I’m in the middle of building a computer desk. I want to build a patio/firepit out back so I can enjoy the outside. The list goes on and on. I have all this free time, and no passion for anything anymore. I’m drowning. I am in a constant state of drowning. I’m just flailing away, gagging, and gasping for little bits of air here and there, but I never fully succumb.
PS. To my boys, if you ever come across this post, and I didn’t make it, please know that I tried really, really hard. I’m so sorry to have ever let you down.
I've been there. I was desperate for any solution that would stop the path that my marriage was on. Even hoping for death in my desperation. I kept working on myself though. Therapy lead me into journaling to reorder my thoughts. I also read books like, "Divorce Busting" because I was driven to fix things at first. Eventually it drove me to find new friends and move on with my life instead.
I still have moments of sadness and anxiety when I'm alone. I mostly feel the same as the person I was before the divorce now. Caring for my children keeps me busy.
I hope your friend responds with support. I know it can be lonely when people you thought of as family cut you out of their lives.
I'm struggling to think of exactly what to say but i just want to tell you that your words resonate with me, and I hope in some way that makes you feel less alone. Today was not a good day for me, and while I am heartbroken reading your story and am so sorry you feel this way, selfishly I feel a bit less alone on this turbulent night. I hope you can take some kind of solace from this faint connection to a total stranger, and I wish us both the courage to continue fighting to see another day. 🫂
I’m sorry you’re having a no good, terrible, rotten day. And it’s not selfish to feel less alone because someone else out there feels the way you feel. I do appreciate you reaching out. It does help knowing I’m not the only person who goes through shit like this, and I hope tomorrow is better day for you.
Wow, man. I can tell you've been hurting a lot and I just wanted to thank you for sharing this here with people. I know how much strength just that one act can take. As much as it feels it right now, you're not alone. You have your boys still, and they will always always need you, no matter if they're 5 or 50. I've been through some bad break ups myself, but I haven't had a relationship last more than 4 years. Typically they've ended when my partner cheats. I've come close to giving up on them entirely but I still have a small spark of hope that there's someone trustworthy out there. Every new person you meet is another roll of the die. You can't give up hope.
Also, this was extremely well written. Have you written much before? I think you should explore that in some way because you clearly have the talent for it. Even if you just start a little journal, written or digital, just for yourself. It can be nice to get things off of your mind and onto paper. I know it helps me. And I would like to personally extend my shoulder to you. If you ever get in a bad spot and you just need someone to listen, or to commiserate with, please message me. The world is better off with you in it and I would like to do everything I can to make sure it stays that way.
Thank you. I have to admit that the emotion dump in my email, and probably also this post, seems to have made a huge improvement to my day today. I got so much stuff done, and I had only planned on doing a couple things.
Once I started, I just didn’t want to stop. It felt good. I’d like to think the universe threw me a bone today. I don’t care; I’ll gladly accept the charity if I can have more days like today.
I did make a goal for myself this week. Last year, my kids got me this really cool 5-piece canvas art of Zelda BOTW. I finally started making the frames for them today, and I want to have them done and hung before they get back from the beach on Saturday. I’ve already got two of the five frames made, so I think I can tackle the rest in time.
Also, this was extremely well written. Have you written much before? I think you should explore that in some way because you clearly have the talent for it.
Thank you. Ironically, language arts was my worst subject in school. But I do my best. Funny enough, I did want to write a book when I was a kid. It would’ve probably ended up being similar to Aliens. But, it never happened. Your comment had me half considering writing one now; it would be different than when I was a kid, but I have a few ideas.
I've been through some bad break ups myself, but I haven't had a relationship last more than 4 years. Typically they've ended when my partner cheats. I've come close to giving up on them entirely but I still have a small spark of hope that there's someone trustworthy out there.
I’ve been there too. My ex was my longest relationship (~15 years total: 1 dating, 1 engaged, and about two weeks shy of 13 years married). Before that, my longest relationship was just shy of three years, and she cheated on me too.
I too suffer from Chronic Hope Syndrome. I think that’s where most of my frustration comes from. I grew up in the 80s, and learned about relationships via TV and movies (breakfast club, better off dead, the two Corey’s). It’s a process to unlearn all that bullshit propaganda, but with days like today it seems a little more possible (dare I say, hopeful).
I appreciate you making this community; I also appreciate your encouragement. I warn you that I will probably be using this community a lot more going forward; I’ll do my best to balance out the negative with some positives.
Thank you again. 🙏
I am so SO glad that this helped you! Honestly that makes this whole endeavor already worth it; so long as at least one person benefits from this place it has been worth it. Made me a little emotional myself reading all this, to be honest.
Oh man, LOVE Zelda games, I grew up on those, that was my childhood. Glad to see the little ones of today have an interest in it too. And that sounds like a wonderful project, something to do with your hands, something you can step back and actually see the finished project for and feel accomplished, I love those. You should feel proud of that, and I know your kids will absolutely love seeing that their gift meant so much to you.
You should more than half consider writing a book, not even blowing smoke. Your original letter made me tear up a little bit and if you still have a desire to write, you should do so! Even if you just want to start small. Maybe write a little bed time story or just a (whatever genre they like) for your kids? Highly different from an alien story though lol, I know. But I know your kids would be over the moon for it.
Man, 15 years, I can't even imagine :/ I'm so sorry you've gone through that, brother hugs Relationships have always been....rocky, for me. It's so much easier to be alone but it's also so much easier to fall into a downward spiral like that. Half of the days I just want someone, anyone, to cuddle with watching dumb TV shows and the other half I physically recoil from touch. It's a tough thing that I'm still working on and I don't have a good answer to it myself. I just take it one day at a time and hope that the next day is brighter than the previous.
Please feel free to post as much as you want here; we're all in this life together and if we can make it less shitty for everyone by banding together, in both our grief and our celebrations, then I feel like it's in our best interest to do so. Thank you for being a part of this place and thank you for having the strength to show others that they're not alone!
Hey friend. You sound like a caring dude, full of love for your family. I'm sorry you're going through this, a few months is very recent. Ten years is about how long my marriage went too, though she and I didn't have kids (and I ended up moving back to the other side of the world) so it was a much cleaner break; and it still took me years to recover. I went through a series of bad relationships because I didn't wait to work on myself first, and I got emotionally abused as a result. First silver lining: you still have the chance to avoid that mistake.
This feeling sucks, I know, but you know your boys love you so you've done a good job as a dad. My new wife and I both have bad relationships with our fathers (though not for lack of trying on our parts), so make no mistake: you could have done worse, and your boys are lucky to have you.
It sounds like you've forgotten how to live as you, without your family around to carry for. Is there anything social to do in your area, aligned with your interests, that could bring you some community? For example my (again, new) wife and I have each other, but we're in a strange state with no family or friends within 1000 miles in any direction. We recently decided to find an improv class because we both want to work on the skills it teaches, but our main goal is to make some new friends.
I just thought, as well - at least one of your kids plays games a lot, which is a golden opportunity to spend time with him. Maybe you can get a game going? Some of my best memories with my dad are of playing games together when I was little. I still have a soft spot for Gauntlet Legends on the N64 from the hours we spent playing that. Loads of great games to play together, too, in 2025 - hit me up if you need suggestions (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
edit: clarity