Is flirting redundant?
Is flirting redundant?
Does it actually matter whether you flirt with someone or not in order for them to (potentially) develop feelings for you? A lot of people have told me it's intrinsic, as in "If they like you, they like you." So you should just treat the person you're interested in like you would any other person.
So if it all comes down to connection and looks, doesn't that make flirting a bit redundant?
Edit: To clarify, I see flirting as banter to make sexual/romantic intentions known.
Making intentions known is necessary. Flirting is just one of the preocesses by which intention is established. In that way, it is not strictly necessary, in the same way that cake is not necessary, but food is.
Flirting is a process which intentionally leaves ambiguity because it lets people avoid embarrassment. Being rejected, in many cultures, is embarrassing. By attempting flirting, a person can show interest indirectly, and the other person can show interest in return or show disinterest with quiet cues that let the instigator pull back without having to do something as vulnerable as explicitly stating intentions or experience embarrassment at being directly rejected.
Flirting, like anything else, can also be used as a display of quality, the verbal/intellectual equivalent of peacock feather displays.
How necessary these elements are is entirely contextual. Some partners despise the pretense of it. Others view it as incredibly fun. Some are deeply embarassed by the prospect of rejection. Some are not bothered by it at all.
Is flirting redundant?
For autistic people: maybe.
For everyone else: no.
As an aspie, we still flirt. We just (sometimes) flirt differently.
Quick follow up question: What is your idea of flirting?
Displaying interest, typically through compliments and thoughtful questions, and also reinforcing legitimate similarities between you through active agreement. This often gradually increases in directness and sexuality until kissing or rejection happens.
The whole intent is to convey “I don’t just act like this regularly, I am so interested in you that you provoke these actions.”
some people believe flirting is a goal in itself or an indispensable part of life for a valid human. meaning, these type of people can't conceive the existence of someone who doesn't flirt nor one who doesn't enjoy flirting. that's very dehumanizing for others of us.
not everyone is capable of flirting.
I see flirting as banter to make sexual/romantic intentions known.
That’s basically what it is. It’s not there to make someone develop feelings, it’s a way to safely make your feeling known and see if they are reciprocated. It’s basically lowering the risk of rejection, if the feeling isn’t mutual and you don’t get a response you can just write it off as a harmless flirt. If (s)he flirts back you can dial it up a notch.
Flirting is just part of seduction. It's not just to "make intentions known", people are more dynamic than that. Being flirted with will often actually create feelings that weren't there before. If you enjoy how someone makes you feel, you open up and become closer. Merely being liked by someone can be quite flattering.
No, it isn't. They may already like you but how will they know you care if you don't offer an array of easy to misunderstand signals?
Flirting is a means of communicating that a person likes another person. If no one flirted, then meeting people would be even more difficult than it already is.
Is chewing redundant? The little swish of a nice beverage? Flirting is the game, it's half the fun. Sure the other parts are nourishing and wonderful too. But to flirt is to delight in such a primally human interaction.
It's only fun if it's appreciated by the other party, though.
Same with any pair activity. Paddling a canoe is no fun if one person doesn’t like water and wants outta there ASAP!
Some people think just talking to the opposite sex is flirting. Some people would define flirting as how you let them know you're interested in the first place.
It's not redundant, it simply can't be as a part of courtship, but what is meaningless is our current understanding of what, exactly, it consists of.
Flirting is how you build connection? Perhaps we have different ideas on what flirting is, but to me, its the things you do to build a connection (talking, joking, hanging out, etc). So if you dont do those things, you'll not build a connection.
Perhaps we have different ideas on what flirting is
I think we do. I see flirting as banter to make sexual/romantic intentions known.
but to me, its the things you do to build a connection (talking, joking, hanging out, etc).
How is that different from making friends though? I mean that's exactly what I do with friends and basically anyone.
Do you mean like pickup lines? If so, yeah, I dont think those are necessary anymore. But that said, I haven't dated in years, so what would I know :/
Is your end goal with your friends to put your mouth where the sun don’t shine? If not, that’s the difference.
I don't see flirting as very different from making friends. The two biggest differences would be speed and boundaries.
If I'm trying to make friends, I'd be mindful to not seem too keen and obvious, which is also generally good flirting advice, but sometimes you can be extremely obvious with flirting (the "nice boots, wanna fuck?" approach). I'm sure there are situations where saying "I want to be your friend!" is a good strategy but they're pretty damn rare (and probably involve been on mdma).
When you're building any relationship or connection, one of the necessary steps is breaching boundaries. By sharing personal information (whether it's hobbies, or a personal tragedy) or making jokes or teasing (if appropriate and appreciated) helps move a relationship from "stranger" to "friend", similarly eating together, inviting someone into your home, or physical contact all represent breaking down boundaries and closer and more personal relationships.
Different social groups have different ideas about appropriate behaviour at specific levels of relationship. I have social groups where being 'cheeky' and even outright mean to a new person is how they show they're one of the gang. Similarly, there groups of people who can be lifelong friends, but still wouldn't be comfortable hugging. For many people, flirting, especially if you're aiming for a sexual relationship, often involves more physical boundary testing than with platonic friends (letting your hands touch, flicking dust off their clothes - and just FYI, if you're not sure what you're doing, it's almost always better to let the other person be the first to initiate physical contact, especially if they're a woman). But saying that, some straight guys I've known are very physical with male friends both with hugs and friendly punches, so it's not a strict line.
A lot of people have low self esteem and/or don’t see themselves as attractive. Their perception of themselves isn’t always obvious, either. Flirting with them can give them that “nudge” they need to act on their feelings.
Precisely, flirting signals to someone else that you're potentially attracted to them.
If they've written you off as a potential romantic partner for whatever reason (they assume you'd never be interested, they thought you had a partner, they thought you were only ever going to be just friends, etc), then that signal can cause them to start considering you as a romantic option.
So you should just treat the person you're interested in like you would any other person.
But flirting is how I treat every other person!
Is this how am AI scrapes the internet for emotional data?
Hey now, I am not AI. I am a real human.
No. A well executed flirt can make someone interested when they weren't before. You flirt with the cute girl at the party and if she's receptive, maybe ask her out or ask to kiss. Or not. Sometimes flirting is just fun for itself.
Standing there in chaste politeness is going to create a whole different scene with different outcomes.
I can’t flirt to save my life.
So it’s hardly necessary. That said, I’ve had more than a few conversations with clients about our employees “flirting” only to find out they all the guard said was literally “hello,” without getting up from the desk or otherwise taking it any further.
(I’m a manager contract security. My employees are guards at our client’s facilities or wherever.)
I've been with the same woman for ten years and I still flirt with her every day
Attractive is not the same as good-looking. Nice, fun people are attractive. Assholes are ugly.
I have known a lot of good looking girls who I only want to see via binoculars - that way I can enjoy the eye candy but their terrible personality is invisible. Fortunately there are plenty of nice girls that are also good looking that I can get close to.
I think flirting is like the prologue of an RPG, in many cases the best part.
My question isn't so much about whether it's good or not. It's about whether it's generally necessary.
If I only did what was necessary, my life would be pretty miserable.
It's not even looks, for some of us. I'm demisexual, and before we became a thing, my master was nowhere near my 'type'. But he was incredibly sweet and caring, always has been, and the affection grew from there. When my ex fiancé left me, he was there, supporting me in crisis. Always there, doing his best to care for me. Now a few years on, I think he's sexy as fuck, and I'm very happy with him.
Back to the question though, I've never really flirted with anyone. Always very direct, 'hey you are cute/funny/shy/interesting' mixed with 'I'm horny, and you are the one causing that' thus 'want to fuck?'. I always put desert before the main course, as it were, since sex is a big thing for me - so I don't want to get attached if we aren't at least a bit compatible. What easier way then to jump right into it? Then if it goes well, we are already miles beyond the usual starter-pack bs, so the whole courting/flirting stuff is just unnecessary. We already have been horny freaks, we've already figured out that our desires align at least a bit, 'why not date?'
The traditional way seems so... stupid, frankly. Slow buildup over weeks/months just to meet a brick wall when you find out that he only gets off with butt stuff, while you/they are repulsed to the point of vomiting at the thought... 'well that was a fun 2 months, thanks and I'll see you around I guess'. Nah, that just doesn't make sense to me.
And there's the whole awkward 'what if they reject me' like my guy/gal/sentient being, just stfu and ask them. Direct, no bullshit, no games, no dancing around the question. 'hey, you're cute, are you seeing someone?' is fine. Asking if they have a Facebook account so you can add them and then changing your relationship status to 'it's complicated' and hoping they comment on that, isn't the smart play.
I guess if they enjoy it, sure, flirt away. But in my mind it makes no sense and merely complicates and extends an awkward phase.
Do note that I myself decided long ago that I'd only date other furries, so the dating pool is... very liberating, vs the standard. But that doesn't mean that people have to continue following the same rules and expectations.
Do what makes you feel right, and fuck the norms. You don't owe anyone anything, and if someone expects something of you that you don't think is ideal, maybe they aren't for you, and that's okay. You aren't made from a cookie cutter, don't try to conform to one.
Man... What the fuck?
I just think of it as a bit of fun.