Thought for Food

I’ve been going to a personal trainer since the start of September and it’s been a life changing opportunity.

It’s a small fitness place, it’s run by two Agender individuals and one of the founders/owners is my personal trainer. The staff are all either neurodivergent, 2SLGBTQIA+, or both.

My Personal Trainer (let’s call them D) self described as agender, she/they, still is a mother, has a teenager with ASD and non-speaking and another kid who’s transgender with ASD. They themselves have ASD and are person no.2 whom told me to check if I was autistic as well (which I went and did, and ta-da I have AuDHD!)

D has helped immensely and among all of that it’s even just them holding space for me in their own chaotic life. They showed me all the trauma my body had gone through, especially with back surgery as a child with little/no after care in the long term and decades at that point of body-just-got-used-to-the-bad. Having been cheer captain in their younger years, I get told “no transfem is leaving this gym without a booty and boobs” and that’s not a joke.

Now, I’ve started rambling a little with sharing all this, but I do have a sincere point.

When I was starting out, I was very detached from my own body and taking care of it after years of neglect. Being traumatized does that to you. Being trans does that to you. Here I was, healing and growing and already well on my journey (with a few months on HRT at this point), but still having dysphoria and grief ruin my life.

We began tackling some of that, inspired by my toddler who was coming to workouts on some occasions, by going back and pretending to be a toddler. 4 specifically, but I’m not sure it matters as much (unless you want to be very accurate and match it with child neurological development timelines).

Putting away all the white colonial societal programming, my own experiences and knowledge, stopping my ego and fears of being cringe or something else….

Just be a kid.

If you were trans, you didn’t get to. Be a kid now. Act like one. Explore like one. Go in with no judgement like one.

You have to re-do your childhood. Speedrun it, obviously, but you have to let yourself do a lot of that stupid shit again, this time as the right gender. Question everything you’ve ever known or programmed yourself with, and go be a silly kid and laugh and have fun.

That’s how everyone does it, at 4. They just all got the perk of being cisgender and monkey see, monkey do worked for them.

Anyways I should be sleeping and should plan ahead more when I write, instead of impulsively starting a post past midnight when the kids are asleep and my high is wearing off and now I kinda want a snack…