I know the headline is satire, but we all know this is exactly the same kind of half-brained report we'd get from someone who already knows damn well what the problem is and who caused it (i.e., themselves) but think they can weasel out of responsibility by pretending to play dumb.
Don't tell me any useful information like there's literally water pouring out of it (becauseyoufloodedthesecondfloorbathroomyoumoron). "Oh, there's just 'something' wrong with it. I don't understand all that technical mumbo-jumbo, maybe you could just come look?"