I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
Please write a book.
This is a copy pasta. I read it on Reddit several years ago.
It looks like the author mostly writes kid’s books.
It's an old copy pasta but it holds up better than ever.
strangled on all sides by public sidewalks
Walkable cities? Immersion ruined
Very Juctice Warriors https://www.mattbors.com/justicewarriors
Welcome to Costco
I love you
Brought to you by Carl’s Jr.
Carl's Jr. Fuck you.
Just checked Google maps and saw it's now changed to the white supremacist name. Gross. I will never use that name for it.
This brings up a good point, can a president all by himself decide what we are calling things? Why not take kickbacks and now google has to change the name of landmarks.
Also, I’ve been using google maps as long as I’ve had an iPhone. I guess I am finally switching over to Apple Maps.
I guess I am finally switching over to Apple Maps
there's something called "open maps" (atleast I think that's the name) that people on Lemmy seem to like.
Haven't used it myself yet but people seem to like it
Edit: looks like it's actually "OpenStreetMaps" and there's not one app for it :/
If anyone else has experience I'm open to recommendationsApple's maps data frequently is OpenStreetMaps data in quite a few regions.
Organic Maps on iOS seems good so far
Suggestions for OSM apps?
can a president all by himself decide
That’s a really good question about a lot of things this administration is doing. As always, it’s some variation of no, but does that matter if no one enforces it?
I don’t if there is specific law, but I read an article a few weeks back detailing the dual process. Name changes should start locally and work their way up to Congress, then to be signed by the president. Obviously the Gulf of Mexico doesn’t have locals, but what happened to Congress? For Denali, it not only overrides the locals but ignores all the due process that went into changing the name.
However, I can see some small amount of blame to Biden for setting a good/bad example. Apparently the change from McKinley to Denali was a local request, locally voted, passed by Alaska congress, an entire process of making sure locals are heard. Then it sat in our dysfunctional Congress for years without any action. Joe Biden signed and went ahead despite it not coming from Congress. He did the right thing for the local people who had been requesting the name change for so long, and Congress clearly abdicated their duty. However, technically he set a bad example proceeding with something that should have come through Congress
Apple Maps is doing the same: https://9to5mac.com/2025/02/11/apple-maps-now-uses-gulf-of-america-name-in-us-will-roll-out-globally-soon/
I saw that. I’m not sure open street maps is ready for prime time though…
Sponsored by Carl's Junior.
Carl's Jr., "Fuck you! I'm eating."
Wait is there a Formula 1 GP there now?
Can't be, I actually recognize all the sponsors as real brands with existing products, rather than shit I've never heard of that turns out to be crypto nonsense, shell companies, Philipp Morris in a mask, or some combination of the three.
Probably IndyCar, let's go to the nose cam, brought to you by Verizon, for another angle on this one.
lmao real
Let's see what the Verizon car can do on some new Firestone tyres!
It's got electrolytes!
Factually correct.
Is it filled with Brawndo? it’s what plants crave after all
Water? Like out the gulf?
Openstreetmap doesn’t seem to label bodies of water, but it should definitely add this label
Do I have to repeat about Flucatan? Amerida, a beautiful city in the Flucatan peninsula is home to the best Americans ever. Flucatan or Southflorida is conveniently located south of Florida and central Florida where the once famous Che Guevara used to fight the good fight.
This is the best future type prediction I've seen in years
As someone who remembers when we had the Rose Bowl and the Sugar Bowl and the Citrus Bowl, this hits hard.
What a horribly missed opportunity. It should be sponsored by Cheetos
@JaymesRS Well, now there is Apple Maps and OpenStreetMap...
Pedantic, I know, but wouldn't it make more sense to say "powered by Totino's Pizza Rolls", that is, to switch those two around?
