I have a conundrum, maybe people in this thread can weigh in.
I'm a woman living in an area with a small but loud MAGA faction and useless police who are probably also Trump supporters. I'm also not white.
Hunting is common here, and although I've never been I do know how to shoot and have access to classes if I want to improve. We also have friends and family with firearms and a couple of them live nearby.
I feel like I should get a gun. I know how to use one and I want to be able to protect myself if necessary. But I'm scared of firearms. Something about them disturbs me. Maybe it's the likelihood of someone dying once a gun comes out. Maybe it's just a fear, however unfounded, that I can't or shouldn't handle such a powerful tool. But the reason behind the feeling doesn't matter so much as my ability to overcome it, and I'm not sure I can. If I had money to burn I'd buy one just to see how I feel, but I don't so I can't.
In short, I'm torn. I want to be able to just get a gun for peace of mind and call it a day, but I fear that as soon as the gun is in my house I will become a nervous wreck and that will defeat the whole purpose.
I'd love to hear from anyone who feels the same or has overcome this fear.
Training and familiarization helped me a lot with that exact feeling. I had the same feeling about circular/table saws. My dad was a carpenter, and those things freaked me the hell out - one tiny mistake could have devastating consequences, and that was all I could think about when I was around them. But with careful instruction and exposure, learing to use and be more comfortable with them, that feeling was gradually replaced by calm and confidence, and they changed in my mind from these objects of terror into valuable tools. There was still fear, but it was a healthy, respectful fear.
I went through the exact same process with guns as well. Some classes with a good instructor, giving you a chance to get more comfortable and familiar before you bring a gun into your home, could help a lot.
Everything you're describing is completely reasonable. For the past decades, left-wing "policy ideas" have floated banning guns or at least some form of gun control. They state statistics, examples from other countries, testimony from gun experts, etc etc all describing how perfectly harmful just owning a gun can be and how unlikely you are to ever run into a situation where a firearm will improve your situation and chances of surviving.
This has been overtaken by the rhetoric of "they're coming for you!tm". The exact same playbook that was used by the right-wing. Who wins? The gun manufacturers and war profiteers.
It's amazing to see the collective consciousness just completely glaze over from just a few years ago. If you think you're statistically more likely to be targeted, then it's your right to procure a firearm in the United States and I'll leave it at that. But, if you actually look into it, you'll find you will be put more in danger by having a firearm in the house than not.
You're right about the mental aspect, if you own a firearm and are constantly thinking about it and the threats it can protect you from, you've created your own hellscape that many are already in. It's much safer and better for the community to be involved in your neighbors lives and to form bonds with those close to you in a positive manner. Somehow, everyone's forgotten the examples the rest of the world has set forth and have fallen into Americana again.
It's definitely a mind fuck, going from "I support heavy gun control and don't ever want one in my house" to "this might be the single best way to protect myself from violent fascists, should they come after me."
I'm very involved in my community, but I live in a purple county and these days I am also feeling very outnumbered. It's tough to essentially be in a holding pattern waiting for retribution that we've been told to expect.
Take a reputable course and learn about guns. They are dangerous in the hands of irresponsible untrained yokels but if you are smart and informed they can empower you and safeguard your well being.
Guns have traditionally been a pacifier for anxious right-wing weirdos who are afraid of Nancy Pelosi, but they are also a good hedge against those right-wing weirdos and will be a pacifier for your anxiety about them
A thing to maybe consider is to get a subscription at a range and check out a rental firearm to plink on the range. You lose some money in the experience like going to a movie or whatever, but you're not out the full price of the firearm. Then you can decide how you feel. Granted, active fire is much different than object that sits on shelf. They're quite docile when stationary. Even so, it's just psychologically weird normalizing the thought of, "I have a device on this shelf that has only one purpose, to delete life." Sure, hammers, nailguns, knives, etc. can be used for killing, but they have a useful primary purpose. Guns don't.
Yeah I've been considering that, but I'm not sure the ranges near me are women friendly spaces and I don't think I'm in the right head space to voluntarily push into a male dominated space like that. I wonder if there's a good way to screen potential ranges, should I just come straight out and ask if they're welcoming?
Having a life ending device just "sitting on the shelf" is definitely my biggest issue. I have an ex who would threaten to kill himself whenever our relationship was on the rocks, and while my husband is a very stable person I still have a hard time shaking the feeling that weapons+men=bad news. Though I asked if he was comfortable with me having a gun safe that he cannot unlock and he said he supports whatever is going to make me feel safest atm.
I don't own a gun and feel the same as you. I am leaning toward getting a gun safe and keeping the gun and ammo locked up and hidden. If it gathers dust that's great, but having it there if I need it would be a comfort I think.
You do not want to have a gun that you're not comfortable with. Having to deal with a high stress situation and then trying to use a gun when you don't have brain-dead levels of familiarity with it is asking the trouble. Luckily it's fairly cheap to build most of the muscle-memory with dry-fire and handling drills. But if you plan on using it for home defense or personal protection, you need to be prepared so that your mind can focus on other things during your troubles.