Being loved or at least desired by someone must be nice
Being loved or at least desired by someone must be nice
If you read my previous post on other place I asked about dating and most responses sounded like it was nice. Yes, I'm aware that relationships are not only good times (I've seen my mother being tired of her partner and scared of my father) but when you have literally NOTHING in your life you can't help to idolising the things you never had...
I don't think that's weird, but it's definitely sad
Air, is this the guy that makes a bunch of posts about “I’m unlovable and sad” and then when people try to offer advice or encouragement he always shoots back with some obnoxious bullshit about how they’re wrong and he’s too hopeless?
Do you want to change? Do you wish you wanted to change?
yes or no?
If you answered yes to any of those questions than there is still hope for you. There is A LOT of good willing people that want to help you. There are a lot of resources that you can use but you aren't aware of.
If you answered no then no one can help you.
There is A LOT of good willing people that want to help you. There are a lot of resources that you can use but you aren't aware of.
People are so very confidently telling everyone this.
Where I live, you really would think that's the case. But for years, nothing. Even my own family is distant af, as if they didn't understand the concept of depression. See it makes them uncomfortable that I'm not my usual happy self, so obviously that's very rude of me.
I was also tossed out of an ER when I literally told an on-call psychiatrist I was afraid of hurting myself or others. And I meant it. It was after a very traumatic event I was genuinely so broken with nowhere to go and no-one to turn to. He got a guard to escort me out. Then I called my local free crisis hotline. They told me I'm not having a crisis and hung up.
Last time I asked an opinion about the shit healthcare I'm getting from my brother, he waived it off and now hasn't contacted me for three weeks.
It took a lot of fighting with the healthcare here, but I finally did manage to get a therapist, and I specifically looked for someone who's not from the same country and didn't grow up in this emotionally stunted culture. So that's one positive thing. But one hour a week isn't much, and it's only for a few years I get it.
So while I appreciate the sentiment and probably for most people these resources actually work to at least some extent, they do not work for everyone. So assuming something that might be incorrect and very triggering is something I'd advice to try and avoid if at all possible.
tossed out of an ER
I can relate. That was horrible experience for me and only by intervention of my best friend I am still here.
finally did manage to get a therapist, […] So that's one positive thing
This is HUGE sucess. Congrats! And stick with it for at least couple of months.
Your mind is playing tricks on you where you toss out a possible solutions outright due to buried emotions.
There are a lot of different types of reaources and some work and some don't.
Different types of Therapy (CBT, EMDR, etc.), group therapy, books and lectures, long hikes, pilgrimages, d&d, meditation, Alcoholics Anonymous, hitting the gym, temp work agency and even more esoteric ones that I don't reccomend without trying more normal ones. They all are tools that may not work for you but there exists the tool that will work. The difficulty is in finding one that somewhat works and not giving up half way.
As a fairly attractive person who also suffers from depression. It really doesn't matter. I can find so many reasons why other people don't like me. So many reasons why my actions are ultimately pointless and worthless. And that's the thing, when I'm depressed I think I'm ugly. Don't take my word for it, think of all the Hollywood stars that have or do suffer from depression.
I don't think it matters what you have. Depression can make a shit sandwich out of any situation. But once you work through it and become fun to be around things change. Even if you're only fun for yourself to be around, that's one more person who likes you.
when you have literally NOTHING in your life
Clearly not you then. You don't appear to be dying from starvation, cold, or conflict. You're articulate and capable of writing with perfectly acceptable spelling and grammar. You have access to the internet. You're way ahead of 90% of humanity. Check that privilege!
Get off your self-pity cloud and do something. Learn some new skills - there's plenty of free courses out there. Improve yourself. Learn skills, earn money, use money to better your situation. Stop blaming the world, it owes you nothing. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness.
Why have you convinced yourself that you have nothing and that you need to be in a relationship to have something?
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings, regardless of their level of intelligence or levels of consciousness of creating things like society and religions. When you don't have that as your adulthood passes you feel like a failure, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Thats not a reason why you feel that way. It's a pseudo science excuse for it.
Dig deeper to your true feelings.
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings...
This reductive view doesn't help you and, indeed, probably hurts your chances of getting what you so desperately want.
Drop this focus on sex and, ironically, you'll have a better chance of having it. We can generally tell when a guy wants us only for orificial insertion; that's a bigger turn-off than almost anything.
As others have said (that you didn't bother to respond to) work on yourself before you start working on getting others. And in your case I would strongly recommend getting professional evaluation for possible clinical depression before it literally kills you.
We are more than our instincts. But sure, I acknowledge that following some instinctual drives can give some satisfaction.
For example: I made a choice to not have children and I am happy with my choice. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. It's actually quite the opposite. While I see my peers raising little shits, I get to stay a little shit and embrace my inner child. It's half a selfish choice because I want my life to be better, and half a compassionate choice because the world doesn't need new children for its meat grinder.
If I had little choice and was forced onto a path, that would be disheartening. So I get you.
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings
I would say that survival is the main purpose. For which reproducing is one of the available 'tools' like is eating, fighting, and running away.
Reproducing doesn't require having to join the other. I mean, gametes exchange can be done without mating (ask plants) and you also have asexual reproducing. Mating is the way human beings are doing it, like many living species but it still is just one way.
When you don’t have that as your adulthood passes you feel like a failure, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
At the individual level, reproducing is not a necessity (a far less urgent one than is eating and surviving, ie get a shelter, get away from trouble,...). It's only a necessity at the species level. At least, as far as I understand it.
Many people do not have sex or have sex and do not reproduce. They are fine and not unhappy and their choice is fine at the species level — it's not like human species is on the verge of extinction because of the lack of humans: we've never been that many on teh surface of the planet (most probably even a little bit too many ;)
Edit: even among other species, reproducing is not the aim of all individuals. Just look at bees: the queen is the only one that will lay eggs (other bees are either workers/fighters/nurses, even though they can switch role during their lifetime they won't ever have a baby bee) and the males... well, the one that gets to mate the queen die just after that.
I've seen a couple of your posts before and I wonder if working in customer service, maybe just as a cashier at a convenience store might help you. Its mindless, menial work but it allows for short interactions with a lot of people. You get to see your community in a different light and meet people you wouldn't otherwise. Maybe eventually you will find your voice and gain the confidence and a few friends that will help you network into better situations. Maybe going to the gym would also help, getting proper cardio and strength training did a lot for my mood and physical self esteem. Also, you are only 35, you will be young-ish for at least another decade if you take care of yourself.
Also, you appear to live in Europe, why not save your money for a train trip to Amsterdam if never being with someone sexually is causing you so much frustration? I'm sure at least some of those workers have experience with people like yourself and would be patient enough to try to help, maybe chat about it too. Honestly just talking openly with someone like that about your situation, someone whose job it is to approach someone intimately might help. This is probably a terrible idea but it is an option, if you feel like you don't have others it might be worth considering.
Loneliness and depression play tricks on you, keep your eyes open for possibilities and a year from now your outlook could be very different.
People like me don't get cashier jobs dude. I quit the gym long ago it's depressing and boring. I'm completely against doing anything with a prostitute.
Thing is, that a relationship can be very fulfilling, this is true.
But thinking, that being in a relationship will fix a bad view on life or problems, the relationship will suffer.
Relationship is work. And often very painful work, because you have to step over your shadow and accept, that some of your deeply treasured perspectives (that protected you in times of pain) are now just wrong and destroy said relationshipSo starting to work on yourself and being content with yourself is always the first step. Else the relationship will be even harder to work through those issues
At least that was my experience
But yeah, having someone to love is great and having someone to love you is nice.First, you must love yourself. Then, love others - family, friends, or strangers. Expect nothing in return. If you can get over those two hurdles, it will be a lot easier to be loved.
Imagine if you hated tofu. But you wanted to convince others to love tofu. Maybe you’re a door to door tofu salesman. Only a gifted con artists can make that sale. In this example you are tofu.
In every relationship, from professional to familial to romantic, you must constantly give more than you get. Most of what you give will be taken for granted. But you’ll notice who appreciates you, and they will get more of your time and effort.
Anyway it’s not that great being loved. It’s a burden in some ways, because of how carefully that burden must be carried. You must act in service to those who love you. Love can be suffocating, and blinding. Many people forgo their own health in service to those who love them. It’s a difficult balance. But for evolutionary reasons, it feels like it’s “enough” in life to be loved. And that peace is hard to find through other means.
There’s a freedom that comes with loneliness. You can travel and explore. You can take much bigger risks. You can make foolish and selfish decisions.
This has always been such an completely and totally offensive rhetoric imo. The notion that one has to be perfect before they are even allowed to have a relationship is absolutely ridiculous and untrue. Do you know what helps things like self esteem and self love? Having a support network which includes having a caring and considerate partner. Expecting people to magically heal themselves in isolation is absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful. Every human being is flawed in some way. It's ok to seek connection while having flaws. Literally everyone is flawed and most people don't wait until they are the perfect specimen of a human being to look for connections with someone. It is ridiculous to suggest that someone should.
Edit: I am not trying to say that a partner will magically fix anyone. And I agree it's good to be comfortable with yourself whether or not you have a partner. But I can't stand when people repeat ad nauseum the bullshit that is telling people that they have to fix themselves before they are allowed to make human connections. It's honestly damaging.
I never said anything about perfect or flawless; nobody is. Loving yourself is warm-up for loving others. You need to practice patience and forgiveness. You need to accept the person (or self) as they are, but also support them in their own journey for self improvement. If you don’t have the patience and hope for yourself, you should not expect to have that compassion for others.
The only love you get for free is from your parents, and not all parents even give it so freely.
Anyway I don’t consider this advice to be rhetoric. I’m not arguing for anything or selling anything. I’m just trying to share my experience with love. It’s not an easy thing to understand. You are free to ignore anything you don’t think is true.
Who do you admire in the world? What are the qualities in them you admire? What prevents you from possessing those qualities? If you admire that somebody would join a circus, practice juggling. If you admire those who are generous with their time or money, be more generous. You will eventually find you are the person you admire, if you work toward it.
Yes, you do have to fix yourself before you can create stable interpersonal relationships, because what happens is that you can end up bringing some of that negative energy into whatever relationship you find yourself in, creating a burden for those around you.
This could then lead to a negative feedback loop where you lose your friends/partner, and end up hating yourself more.
If no one's going to love you, you might as well love yourself.
I entirely disagree that you need to love yourself. More than anything you need to want to work on yourself.
Self-improvement is also an act of self love and acknowledging your flaws helps you better build yourself up so you can better love yourself
If I think I'm a lost cause, why would I even try. Some people think they deserve to feel like shit. But I also agree with you that the desire to not feel like shit is what got me working to feel better. But liking myself is the lube that keeps the whole machine from seizing up into anxiety and depression.
I've just looked at your post history and it seems we have a lot in common, I've been out of work, have depression, feel incredible lonely at times. I spent my life on the other hand chasing relationships, sex, none of it solved my issues because my issues are deeper than that. Yours probably are too and my advice is to find what it is you need and the rest will full in to place.
Good luck out there comrade.
The grass always looks greener in the neighbors yard.
Being desired is OK. Having sex is OK. Feeling deeply understood is unmatched.
I was in a 12 year relationship and I didn't feel that. I am in a new 1 year relationship and I don't feel that. Do I appreciate my partner? Yes. Am I attracted to them? Yes. But I crave to be understood.
I'm missing something naturally primordial though. This isn't the same as "oh I don't have the most current iPhone" being with someone is something that more of less happens to "everyone"
It really doesn't happen to everyone. There are outliers like us, OP. Do you want to date and have sex or do you only want it because society thinks you should? What do you personally want? Also curious, but how old are you?
You don't have to answer any of these questions if you aren't comfortable. I am just curious because I've also always been a bit of an outlier in society. Mine is in a bit of a different way than yours, but it's always interesting to hear about. I'm 30.
Hi!
I understand that you're feeling frustrated, but it's important to consider that there are so many great things in life other than sex and reproduction. You're not a failure, you're still young, and there's so many great things to see, learn, and do! There are even people who choose not to have sex, get into a romantic relationship, or have kids, and they're capable of living happy lives. Your purpose in life is whatever you want it to be.
There's over 8 billion people on this planet, and finding someone who loves you for you is just a matter of when, not if. For now, I'd think about why you feel the need to put yourself down this much. What makes you think that you have literally nothing in your life, and what would make you reconsider that thought? Do you really feel that you have nothing and you need to be in a relationship with someone to have something, or is it something that others have pressured you into believing?
People don't have access to the 8 billion human beings. So that logic makes no sense. I have NOTHING. Barely work, still live with my mother, can't drive, don't have savings or money, I don't have the skills to attract people, I have nothing.
I didn't choose anything though. I'm cursed with a sexless and cold life.
I never said they do, but with how many people there are, it's pretty much inevitable that you'll find someone who is into you and loves you for you. What's wrong with living with family? I think it's a good thing for family to stick together.
You say you can't drive. What's preventing you from learning? As for work, have you tried getting a mentor? Mentors can be free or they can be paid, but they can help put you on a career path that suits you, and provide feedback and guidance. They can help you achieve what goal(s) you have set in mind and to become the best version of yourself.
I don't know everything about companionship, but I know when it comes to finding it, you have to try smarter, not harder. I can't emphasize how often I've spoken to someone who was in the process of looking for that who were sticks-in-the-mud. If you go into the game thinking of it in terms of a destination with no unique strategy, would you expect you would stand out?