[Serious] How can a person "rejection-proof" their life?
[Serious] How can a person "rejection-proof" their life?
To extrapolate:
People often say that one should not worry about what others think of them, but life simply doesn't work that way. What other people think of you really does matter; point-in-fact, it can be everything depending on what field you go into.
Like say, for example, you're a business owner and you're recorded arguing with an angry Karen of a customer, the video's posted online, and the internet sides with the Karen. Then, people boycott your business and you're left without a livelihood.
Or perhaps you say something crass and get cancelled. Or simply anger or inconvenience someone with a lot of influence.
Or, even more horrifyingly, say you were assaulted and you came forward, and were ostracized and shunned by your community as a result.
How could one set up their life such that it would be impossible for people like that to rob one of their livelihood? How could one make it impossible for others to shun or ostracize them?
How could a business owner set up their business so that other people couldn't simply shut it down on a whim in such a manner?
EDIT: I'll just "be myself" since that's what the majority of people in the thread want and repeat what I said to another individual:
Honestly, the way everybody is acting is really, really shameful. I am a person who made a thread and gave it a [Serious] tag because I wanted serious, literal answers to a serious problem that, given my chosen career path, will affect me at some point in my life and could potentially ruin it without good info to prepare for such a crisis beforehand. But all I’m getting is denial, mockery, condescension, lies, put-downs.
And it’s rooted in this desire to either pretend the problem is not real because you’re all secretly afraid it’ll affect you yourselves, or it’s because you know it’s real but you view it as a positive because ostracization and shunning people is an emotional cudgel you wield to silence people you don’t agree with on the internet, and answering the question honestly would require framing such actions as a negative and that would make you question the morality of your actions. And that’s not only sick, that’s just cowardly. If you believe cancelling people is morally A-O good, then at least have the temerity to threaten me with a “Don’t speak your mind and mask up” response like at least a few people were honest enough to do.
But don’t insult my intelligence by thinking you can lie to my face and pretend that something I’ve been personally watching happen to other people for over a decade is not, in fact, happening.
Now I came here for a serious answer to a serious problem that affects everyone. If you can't participate in good faith and offer meaningful strategies to avoid or fix such problems and want to either misconstrue it as an emotional issue -- much as you'll do with what I'm saying here after the majority of you demanded I just be myself and not worry about the consequences -- or outright deny it's a real problem when it's been real for over a decade, just don't participate in the thread. Just go elsewhere.
Okay, I just acted like myself. Everyone happy?
In almost every case, the best defense against this is to be a genuinely good person. Treat everyone with kindness and you will get surprising amount of support.
Like many imaginary worries (something that could, but hasn't happened) the answer to how do I avoid this 100% isn't just, "you can't" but rather, "you shouldn't".
Imagine the similar question, "how do I make sure that there is zero chance of being harmed in a terror attack?" While the consequences are dire, the chances are very low, and the costs of avoiding it completely are far to high.
And this scales with the level of risk and consequences:
- do wear a seatbelt, don't avoid all vehicles
- do check travel safety warnings, don't avoid all travel
- do stay off social media while on booze and ambian, don't lock yourself in a windowless cabin with no electricity
Ultimately, it's (getting cancelled, rejected en mass, etc.) a new and very visable fear in the 21st century, but like a long list of worries, spending time trying to solve something that hasn't and likely won't happen, is a waste of our limited years here. Be a good(ish) person, live your life and IF rejection happens, do your best to deal with it as it comes.
The internet isn't real life. Even if you get owned in a video (a very rare occurrence, especially if you are polite and reserved), it's unlikely to put you out of your livelihood. You might, might, have a rough patch, but tomorrow social media will move on to a new controversy and you can work on improving things rather than just weathering the storm.
People say "cancel culture runs the world" but those are people who live on the internet or Fox News and get that feeling from a) being told so by media figures who benefit from such a message as part of their ideological brand and b) being continuously shown fringe cases with extremely high-profile characters, often with those media figures telling you that "you could be next" even though you don't have a 10-figure contract with Nike to lose in the first place.
HR exists so a company can insulate itself from legal threats from its employees. If you work for a company, study that company's policy and follow it. If they fire you or otherwise fuck you over, you can retaliate so long as you actually did follow company policy and they are punishing you for something outside of those bounds.
It means you aren't suited to run a public facing business. There's nothing wrong with that, but speaking as someone with a lot of social anxeity baggage there are things I'm equipped to do well and things that I'm not. I shouldn't let that stop me from opening a business if I really want to, but if I simply don't want to deal with the social rejection elements I have to accept that I'm better off letting someone else run that side of a business.
As for the non-business elements of your question, all you can really do is conduct yourself in a way that you don't believe you'll find yourself regretting later. If you say something in a public place, especially online, consider it part of the public record. It can and will come back to bite you later. Assume your [morally positive family member here] is always watching.
When has anyone ever sided with a 'Karen' for anything? Lmao
If there was a way to do this, assault and rape survivors would have already used it to be able to come forward with their experiences (per your example).
This would have happened long before businesses had to worry about public perception on the Internet.
I def recommend a book called "so you've been publicly shamed"
It goes over how quickly things online get out of hand, how we used to publicly shame people 100s of years ago until we realized it was cruel and unusual punishment.
(Don't get me wrong, we should def shame alt right racists and push them back into their hidey holes)
Honestly we need more education and emphasis on critical thinking skills. Until then, we're all at the mercy of the dumbest among us with an Internet connection
Well, my first strategy has apparently been to sell all my belongings, immigrate to the developing world, lose every dime to my name.
A wiser person might have focused on doing a less harrowing (but still difficult) thing. If we can excel at something difficult, perhaps the world can forgive our mediocrity in other matters, and if it doesn't... well, at least we have something useful to focus on. For me, that thing is engineering.
I do own and operate a business. Owning the business means I get to invent my own job (which mostly amounts to 'mercenary science hermit'). I'm reasonably good at it, and have the correct legal paperwork to continue doing it, so it's hard to displace me -- I can just go find more customers. If that fails, maybe the problem is me :D
All that being said, I do use a variety of figurative cudgels on people who forcibly inconvenience me with their opinions (although almost entirely offline). Some of these tools are emotional, some are financial or legal, and many are technological in nature. I do this to defend my freedom to think freely about subjects that interest me, which sometimes people feel entitled to encroach on.
Mostly this pertains to 'people who don't want to pay me for work', or 'Asian superstitions', because I am nowhere near North America. The current political situation over there is puzzling and fascinating to me, although I am sad to see it causes so much harm. Maybe come visit Asia someday for a vacation from it?
Oh also I mostly avoid social media, especially for political stuff. I sign on primarily to answer questions travelers have about Vietnam, and help hobbyists choose components for electronic circuits (although Lemmy is not super active in these regards yet). I approach it as training to learn to be more patient with people, and in this sense it has been a rewarding activity.
Anyway, those are some of the habits I've cultivated to try and make peace with the modern world. Hopefully some are useful to you as well.
In a democratic society, there is no way to entirely "proof" yourself from consequences of your own antisocial actions like if you sexually assault people or something like that.
I think the answer to what you're really asking is
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do not be in an industry where you are customer-facing or public-facing,
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and do not seek a public platform.
That will shield you from arbitrary and exaggerated mob type/snowballing behaviour, such as the Justine Sacco incident (in which a woman lost her job over an ironic joke about AIDS which fell victim to Poe's Law).
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You can't rejection proof your life. You live in a society of people. Your freedom ends where the freedom of someone else begins.
The be yourself mentality is an illusion or a trap from liberalism. Liberalism pushes individualism to the extreme. To support individualism, people need the illusion of ultimate freedom, the illusion or the dream that you can do or be anything. But it's not possible in a society, so a caveat is added: money and consumerism will allow you to be or do anything you can afford. But it's still not true, it's an illusion to keep you trapped in the illusion. Because you can't get money by being or doing anything you want. Because you live in a society.
Second point : you cannot please everyone, because it is impossible, and because it will destroy you.
It is impossible because different people have different tastes, expectations and cultures. And those are often not compatible. You cannot please a white supremacist if your not white. You cannot please a misogynist if you're a woman. You cannot agree with flat earther if you know some science. But you don't need to. Worse, trying to please them would be harmful for you. These are extreme examples obviously.
Synthesis: what you want is to find your place in your society. You need to be comfortable with yourself, in a group of people who share your values, and abides to the society's needs. You need the society, so you need to obey its rules. But you also need enough space to stay sound of mind, which is space and a place to be yourself as long as you're not too much of an asshole.
You can sum this up with the idea that you need balance. Be yourself, but don't be an asshole.
This is a quick and dirty writing on the topic. It would certainly need more words to detail some places.
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don't say or post something you aren't willing to 100% stand behind
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don't say or post something that you don't want the whole world to hear
You still may say something unpopular and get canceled, but keeping these in mind I think will eliminate most of these opportunities.
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I generally recommend never using social media under your real name. And every business communication (where you need to use your real name) should only consist of bland and necessary stuff. A business, whether as big as Disney or just you, offering a thing from a website or food truck, simply does not need (and imo should not have and not pretend as if it had) values and political views.
The podcast blocked and reported often revolves around your question (or more around the drama after it happened), sometimes they also interview people who had it happened to them, or wrote books about it.
I cannot remember a specific episode now, there are so many. In one, a family-owned(?) bakery lost everything cuz they were falsely accused of racism.
Probably the most interesting and famous case that underlines that simply being a "genuinely good person" is not enough, is the one of Justine Sacco; the woman who tweeted "Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!" and then lost her job etc., almost got her whole life destroyed (she fine today).
While it may not be hilarious to everyone and kinda on the tasteless side, shitposting and making jokes should not destroy your life, so never do it under your real name!
There is no rejection proof because nothing is guaranteed in life. To be able to 100% guarantee something means to be perfect at something. Nobody is perfect at anything, perfection is only associated with godhood because it is realistically unobtainable.
There’s a huge difference between not giving a shit what others think of you, and being a massive asshole. Being an asshole is chewing Karen out and getting caught on camera. Not giving a fuck is politely telling Karen that hers and your goals don’t align, and you don’t think you can do business with each other, and then moving on.
BUT, even if you do everything right, you can still get screwed, both in business, and personally.
Do your best to be a good person, treat everyone kindly, and live your best life. That’s the best you can do.
Idk but when I was kid my sister made a Reject-Proof fort.
Short of total isolation, you can’t.
You can’t control how other people react, as you’ve no doubt picked up. You can reduce the risk by controlling what they see of you, however. That doesn’t mean you should lie about who you are, but there are things that are better left unsaid. Don’t bring up embarrassing things to a new acquaintance, things like that.
Even POTUS makes gaffes. The problem for the holder of that office is that the consequences could be enormous, well beyond a single person’s ego or reputation. You could study what the president’s communications team does to avert damage and control it if it does happen.
You’re also getting advice worth the price you paid - free - so it’s probably not a good idea to get upset with people offering their opinions.
Don't.
If you're worried about being cancelled, the only thing you have to worry about is not being a cunt to people.
Decent people don't get cancelled just because some Karen had a bad day, at most they'll get some fairly minor Twitter bullshit that dies out fairly quickly, or there will be some unhinged motherfucker in your inbox that no one wants to back (feel free to call the cops on those).
What truly damns the people that get cancelled are their own actions, not some Karen with an overinflated sense of self importance. Their attempts to cancel people usually backfire because they think they have a cult of personality behind them, when what they really have are a bunch of people just getting entertained.
If you say something that gets misconstrued, explain yourself politely, understanding how this mixup could have happened. Those that are reasonable will back off, and those that still keep going just look unreasonable and not someone you'd want to back.
Have those examples even happened? I'm still not sure what cancellation involves and how long you need to be in that state before it counts as cancellation.
The internet told me Louis CK was cancelled, but he won a Grammy last year. Kevin Spacey has been cast in movies this year. JK Rowling is still publishing books.
I think it's less about "proofing" your life and instead embracing it. Seek it out. All good opportunities (your dream job, the girl you want) require you to take risks with a real chance of rejection. Get good at being rejected, even enjoy it, so that you can persevere and try and try again until you get what you want.
How can a person "rejection-proof" their life?
Stop living it.
How could one set up their life such that it would be impossible for people like that to rob one of their livelihood? How could one make it impossible for others to shun or ostracize them?
You could probably go into the woods and live alone for a while. Pollution would reach you eventually, but as long as you're good at hunting, butchering, and cooking meat, you could last until your garden starts producing. If you have money now, you probably want to spend it on a cabin and a whole lot of non-perishable food and a wood-burning stove and as much buy-it-for-life cookwear as you can get. Your mattress will eventually break, but oh well.
If this answer sounds ridiculous, I want you to take that to heart. Your question is just as ridiculous. If you're going to be a part of society, society might reject you. Just be as decent a person as you can be and hope people appreciate you.
For me, I've never found it possible. Internet stuff, whatever, but when friends or loved ones turn on you there's not much to be done in my experience. Try and be compassionate to all involved and try to politely explain yourself to anyone, but those who stick with you are the real ones. If folks are liable to turn on you after a social misstep or something as serious as assault, they're bad folks, folks.
This is a good example of how to deal with someone trying to bait you:
You can't. Furthermore, the consequences of "people pleasing" and "conflict avoidance" can do far more damage than the occasional bad rep. In fact, if you're consistent about setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries, you'll ultimately gain more respect in the long run.
How could one make it impossible for others to shun or ostracize them?
When you figure it out you can sell it to Elon Musk for billions.
Try to not be reactive. Take appropriate action whenever needed but choose to act after a delay so that you aren't responding impulsively. In my experience 90% of conversations that were problematic could have been avoided if either party chose to walk away or take a break.
Serious question for you OP and I ask it in a spirit of... possible solidarity? Anyway: I tend to word things clumsily, flub delicate social situations, and just generally put my foot in my mouth at the worst possible time. It's worse in high pressure situations. Are you like this too, and if so, do you worry a lot about unintentionally sabotaging your livelihood or relationships?
I would also love an answer to this question. I have worried about this issue a lot. One of the only answers I have come up with is to have multiple skills. So that if people "side with a Karen" for example, you can hopefully transition into a different industry and leave the previous industry behind. Varied skills in multiple areas are the way I hope to avoid cancellation
How could one set up their life such that it would be impossible for people like that to rob one of their livelihood?
You can't. As long as you live and breathe, no matter how bad your life is, there's always some jerk looking to make it even worse. It's one of my many reasons to not have children.
What you think of others matters equally as much. Be a good person and be careful who you surround yourself with. Be descerning of different groups of people and their beliefs/values/culture. Being rejected by a group of bigots is a good thing, and you wouldn't want to be embraced by them to begin with. There are countless historical examples of individuals led astray by group-think, so don't be too concerned what multitudes think of you. It all depends on context, and wanting to be "rejection proof" might signal too much interest in one's reputation, although I'm not accusing you of that.
Just come to terms, probobly through traumatic events, that all life is is rejection. Then there is no rejection. There all done!
What you want is something you can't have. Stop worrying about things that don't immediately affect you and take a fucking chance in life. You will fail. You will make mistakes and judge yourself for it. People may judge you for things beyond your control like appearance and personality quirks. Fuck em. There's only a hand full of people who know and care for you well enough that their opinion matters, the rest of em just see a shadow on the wall. Most people don't care about you, they care about comparing themselves to their mental image of you. Who cares what they think. Do you have like severe anxiety of something because this is hardcore catastrophizing. 99% of your fears are baseless. You aren't the center of anyone else's world, nobody thinks about you that much. Sorry to burst your bubble but the sooner you realize this the sooner you can start to chill a little on the worrying.
It's human nature to do what you said. Just keep being human. Bring back to others what they deserve.
People often say that one should not worry about what others think of them, but life simply doesn’t work that way.
It does, but it's not all or nothing.
Take the scenarios you've outlined for example. They may be possible and you may not be able to truly proof yourself against them, but they're also very unlikely to happen to you.
So the amount of "worry" you put in to those things should be appropriate for the likelihood they're going to actually cause you issues. Which, in this instance, is "some, but not much". And if you're worrying about it more than that, then the answer genuinely is, stop worrying. Of course, that's easier said than done, but however you achieve it, that's the real goal.
About being yourself... That really is the best advice to avoid rejection. The problem is that no one can tell you how to do that in a comment section.
It's likely that something in your life is out of place, making it harder to be "Yourself." You need to learn how to identify it and what to do once you have.
Therapy is great for this if that's something you'd consider. I'd be willing to give a little guidance, if therapy isn't your jam. DM me if you're interested.
I generally don't care what people think about me. They're are obvious exceptions like my employer. If you have shitty views that affect others negatively, like being a homophobe, transphobe, or a hard right conservative, then you're going to justifiably get shit on and hated on. You can choose to not care what people think, but in the real world there are consequences. If you live a life of inclusion and empathy, then most of the work is done towards not caring what others think. Basically, don't be an asshole, and if you are, keep to yourself and don't run a business. Good people don't get "canceled".
if you try you’ll push yourself into a bad mental space that many therapists make their livelihood off of! I am a big people pleaser so have had issues with over-valuing the opinions of others. One important thing I did to combat this tendency was to come up with a reasonable set of principles for myself so that I didn’t feel like I always had to take what others might think on board (because I’d given myself a reference). Another thing that helped was eliminating anxiety around things I was quite certain one shouldn’t be judged for (in the sense that some things just shouldn’t reflect on your character).
Being worried about having your job taken away and similar is a bit different. I think the things you do to prevent risking this include not voicing “hot takes” except with people you trust and who understand you, avoiding internet arguing, keeping your boundaries up at work, etc. I think most people have a pretty good sense of what ideas might be wildly unpopular in their locale.
As a slight side note, things like tenure (in the US) and anonymous review processes in academia were put in place precisely to ensure that people weren’t blackballed for theorizing things that were unpopular or that would potentially step on the toes of some politician who was threatened by your research. Many things that are popularly supported have and will continue to be wrong, so you need a certain self assurance to fall back on. Preferably your self assurance is supported by logic and reason and not dogmatism—but this entails a fair amount of hard work and study and reflection—you can’t just rely on intuition.