Advantage:
- You have someone to talk to
- You have someone to eat with
- You have someone to have sex with
- You have someone to pool resources with
- You have someone whose family is now your extended family
Disadvantage:
- You have to talk to someone
- You have to eat with someone
- You have to have sex with someone
- You have to pool resources with someone
- You have more fucking family you have to do things with
A thing I didn't understand before getting into a long term commitment with my partner was the money impact:
- Our combined expenses are lower than our individual expenses were. I have happily slept next to this person in a small tent, even though I hate tents. This effect scales to making all kinds of little things more tolerable and somehow cheaper.
- An accountability partner has made me both stick to my budget more often, and cheat on my budget at better, more memorable times.
I had always heard that a spouse and kids were cost, cost, cost. I was surprised to learn how much money shared expenses saves.
Kids are still really fucking expensive, though. They didn't lie about that.
One of the things I look forward to when we eventually move in together is that we will be able to cook for two more often. It leads to far more reasonable recipes and portions with less food waste. Most cooking for one is either you end up having to freeze a lot of stuff, or you make single serving but low nutrition meals. Instant noodles and frozen dinners just make more sense than cooking something real when you are flying solo
One of the things I look forward to when we eventually move in together is that we will be able to cook for two more often.
Yes. It absolutely lives up to the hype.
If you are in a (romantic, personal) relationship, then it is not transactional. Cost/benefit analysis is not really applicable.
Nobody, so far, has addressed the physical intimacy bit, to my satisfaction.
There's kinds of intimacy satisfaction that are only possible after years and years of practice and communication. That usually also includes sex, but it doesn't have to.
There's something special about being touched (and not touched!) at just the right time, in just the right way.
Those of us in relationships that are really long running tend not to talk about it, because it doesn't make everyone who hears it better off, since there's a ton of luck involved in finding a long term partner for it.
On the flip side, if your long-term relationship is not like what this person is describing and intimacy has dwindled to an occasional uninspired surprise, but your relationship is such an integral part of your day to day life that you are unable to make changes, then the whole thing kinda sucks.
So I've heard. From a friend.
For what it's worth, I've been there. I was pretty sure we were headed towards divorce (my decision) because my partner's sex drive just wasn't a match. I was sticking around to setup my partner to be more financially stable when things started to turn around.
Tons of practice at (super awkward , at first, and always naked) communication is the main thing that helped us past all that.
Also, some natural life changes happened, like the kids getting older and becoming less effort.
It can get better with time and a lot of talking about it.
Nice to have a fulltime friend
It tends to change what you're free to do every day
Assuming a healthy, loving relationship:
Advantages
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You always have someone in your corner. Someone who will stand next to you and face whatever comes. Someone who will listen to your fears and anxieties, and reassure you. Someone who can take one look at your face and know that you need a hug, or a tickle monster attack, or a cup of tea.
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You have someone who considers you vital to their happiness. You're the person in their corner. You get to love, support, and nurture them just as they do for you.
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You have a built-in partner for things like camping, traveling, going to trivia night at the local bar. Someone who will bring you a beer when you're too lazy to get up from the couch. Someone who you can make smile just by bringing them coffee in bed.
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You can be yourself! They love you just the way you are, you lil weirdo.
-
The stability that comes from a relationship with mutual respect, cooperation, and negotiation is really comforting.
Disadvantages
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You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don't already have plans.
-
Sometimes you have to hide snack foods if you hope to get your fair share. We have a drawer in our fridge that didn't get much use. I started squirreling away cans of sparkling water in there because if I didn't hide them, they'd all be gone by the time I decided I wanted one.
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You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.
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Sometimes they toot in bed 😡
You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don’t already have plans.
This isn't really inherent to relationships unless you count "friendships", too.
Not all relationships are deeply entangled. I have a partner that makes their own plans without checking with me. We use a calendar to keep track of like "we're doing such and such Friday" so we don't double book or forget, but that kind of "loss of spontaneity" would happen if it was "trivia night with the guys" or "dinner with friend"
- You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.
So true!
I wish someone had warned me about that.
I specifically wish I had learned the power of the phrase "how is this working for you?" sooner.
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That's a working model, but I think there are different types of relationships. A type of relationship would be an element of the power set of {
friendship,romance,sex}.One person might only like relationships without
sex, another might dislike the wholeromancepart,...Each of these aspects of a relaionship has their advantages and disadvantages. The relationship as a whole is just the sum of them.
Using coding markdown to explain types of relationships? Yyyyup we're on Lemmy, baby. And I wouldn't have it any other way ❤️
You're the first person I've ever seen use the concept of a power set to describe what kinds of relationships there can be and I wish more people knew what that was so I could preach this like gospel.
That said, our relationship is
Øbut it could quickly become {friendship} if we ever met
Third answer, then I'm done.
Disadvantages, and how I mitigate them:
- Shift in hobbies. We have shared passions and different passions. There are some hobbies that my partner doesn't love that I don't love enough to do without my partner. I still make time, alone, for my favorite solo hobbies. So does my partner. We have more shared hobbies now. And we have some parallel hobbies (where do we totally separate things, at the same time, and sometimes we compete to be the most boring in hope that the kids will get into the other partner's hobby, instead, for a few minutes.)
- I had a weird belief that I should stop masturbating once in a relationship. It took me awhile to figure out that, sure, there can be a timing aspect to having a particularly good time, but what everyone really loves is someone who can still take care of themselves.
- Time alone - my partner and I try to send each-other out, alone, at least a couple times each month. We're all objectively delightful, but everyone needs a break.
- Sleeping together is nice, sometimes sleeping alone is better. I'm increasingly a subscriber to John Hodgeman's opinion that everyone, who can, should try to set up a "guest" sleeping spot for either spouse to retreat to. A recliner can be great, because it's often when someone had a cold and needs to sleep elevated anyway.
- Religion and politics. My religious and political beliefs have shifted continentally since I committed to my partner. So have my partner's, and not always in the same direction. I choose my partner over my favorite politician or pastor. This wasn't a hard choice for me - my favorite politician and my favorite pastor have never touched me in ways that arouse me... Thankfully.
Sleeping together is nice, sometimes sleeping alone is better. I'm increasingly a subscriber to John Hodgeman's opinion that everyone, who can, should try to set up a "guest" sleeping spot for either spouse to retreat to. A recliner can be great, because it's often when someone had a cold and needs to sleep elevated anyway.
My SO and I sleep alone because I move too much in my sleep. My bff and their SO does the same for similar reasons. Sleeping separately doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it’s a practicality.
Sleeping separately doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it’s a practicality.
Yeah. I felt silly that it took me so long to figure out that my partner was not worried about it. They do love some cuddles, but I've found plenty of ways to make that happen.
Main advantage: You feel whole
Main disadvantage: You always have your plate full because you got a little more than wholeness
There are many different kinds of relationships, and they have their own advantages and disadvantages.
For example, someone might say that being in a relationship means you can only have sex with that one person. That's only true if you're doing a conventional monogamous relationship. Many people happily and successfully do some form of ethical non monogamy.
ENM in turn has its own advantages and disadvantages. One of them is a high frequency of people going "I knew a non monogamous couple and they broke up" despite the fact that most monogamous couples break up, too. Just to get ahead of that.
Anyway. One of the common advantages I value is that people you have a relationship with are less likely to blow you off. A casual friend might bail on your invite, but it's less likely a good friend or partner will.
The most common disadvantage is you'll probably have to do some emotional work at some point. They'll be having a problem and you'll have to be there for them. That can be tough.
You are never alone…
This counts as both.
You trade off freedom for companionship basically, but in a good relationship you can still have a good amount of freedom still (you just need to consider the needs of your partner too).
Relationships take effort and compromise; communicating can be hard (but it's probably the most important thing in a relationship).
Not being in a committed relationship, it's a lot easier to live without as many obligations.
Also, if you live together you can pool your resources both financially and effort-wise which can help a lot.
Good things: you get someone to spend time with. Frequent sex. Someone to share your world with.b you tell your secrets, you trust them
Bad things: they have their own needs, even when it isn't convenient for you. You have to accept that you're a partnership, and their judgement is important. You trust them, whether or not they deserve it. You are open and vulnerable, which means you're vulnerable. Sex can be mechanical and unfulfilling. Your growth needs to include them
Losing your virginity, sex and reproduction for what I've seen. Monetary back up (not always and slightly more beneficial for women).
The need to put up with other people's shit. Sacrifice your "me" time. Meeting people you don't care about. Being related by proxy to people you don't care about it. Giving up your freedom. Being manipulated in certain way just because otherwise you won't have sex. Discussions, discussions discussions. If married, high probability of divorce.
Very incel way of looking at relationship.
I find this perspective unfortunate. It is interesting to see how other people view relationships, but I'm not sure I like what I see. This doesn't seem healthy.
Majority of things we do aren't healthy. Also maybe for the fragile isn't healthy, but for me it is. Be loyal to me, I'm loyal to you, love me and I'll love you, belong to me and I'll belong to you, that's it. Why complicate things with more bullshit?
You're being downvoting because people believe in the "romantic ideal" and never analyzed how relationships really look like for a large number of people.
What you write about is not a good thing but unfortunately that's how most people practice relationships.
Well "most" might be a too strong of a qualifier. Depends a lot on the culture. If you come from a culture where marriage is so important that's almost mandatory, the above kind of relationship is inevitable.
Some of those cons could be true, but I think the bigger problem is that they only listed "sex and money" as the only pros.
What are you doing in a relationship if that person isn't basically a really good friend that you can laugh with, do hobbies with, watch and talk about movies with, share music with, etc.
Sure you might have to hang out with mutual friends you don't love (Though a good partner won't force you to). You do need to spend time on their hobbies and likes if you don't specifically share them. I'm not sure if I can vouch for the rest, though, those are some cons where you need to be really selective and find like minds to be with (don't like to speak very often).
the other two (manipulated for sex, fear of divorce) are more like things you should go to therapy to learn not to tolerate or worry about, respectively.
They might want you to shower and clean your flat - clear advantage. Disadvantage: you may be expected to tell other interested parties that you can only engage in casual sex, since your heart is already taken. Also: fucking without a heart-on is not as satisfactory as making love.
