TW: suicide. Looking for someone to talk to, please read carefully
TW: suicide. Looking for someone to talk to, please read carefully
This post might be a mistake and I might change my mind or back out, but right now my brain says to do it, so I am (it also turned out longer than I meant, sorry).
To be clear from the off: My mind is 100% made up and I am NOT looking to be talked out of it.
At the moment I am very much overwhelmed with pain and grief but can’t talk to the few people in my life because they know that what’s happened will trigger me taking my life, and act accordingly. What I am looking for is someone to listen who I can talk to about what I’m going through who won’t call the cops on me (a helpline, mental health services) or otherwise act in attempt to stop me (2 or 3 irl people).
This is all stuff I would struggle to communicate over text, so I would like to actually talk to another person on something like Element (never used it but it looks fit for purpose), maybe after exchanging some basic info over DM first? It might be a one off, or a few conversations over a couple of days, or as I said, I might just back out if it becomes too much. I’m waiting for my medication to be shipped, and it’s going to take a little longer than I was expecting, so I’ve got this hellish limbo time I’m really struggling to fill with anything but agony and very short lived moments of disassociation.
I know this is a big and horrible ask of a random stranger, and if no one takes it up I won’t be surprised but I'm taking the chance because I desperately need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my own head (in the hope of releasing some of the pressure but also knowing that saying things out loud to another person only makes them more real and not knowing how much of that I can handle), and be honest about the pain I’m in and why I’ve made the decision I have, without being judged (which is what I'm doing to myself), but most importantly just be heard and UNDERSTOOD (not as straightforward as it would seem, the people who have gone through the amount of shit I have and who can relate and understand don’t need extra problems on top of their own, but those who haven’t often struggle to relate and understand and so trying to explain just make things worse).
The topics that are going to come up are pet death, chronic mental and physical illness (OCD especially), autism, eviction, homelessness, familial abuse and estrangement, and probably a bunch more crap I can’t think of right now. Any personal experience with one or more of these will be helpful.
This conversation/s will be painful and upsetting.
I can’t stress this enough – I will not be changing my mind, and I WILL be taking my life as soon as my medication arrives. Please think seriously if that is something you can handle before offering to help.
If need be I would be able to pay for your time via BTC/XMR (or set up a bank transfer for after I'm gone and no longer care if you know who I am), especially if you've got some training or experience in therapy/mental health support, though if money is the reason you want to help, please don't.
I'm going to try and get some sleep (yeah right) so will probably only check back later.
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Oof, I feel you on the pet loss. I've come to believe that even child-free people develop a parent-child relationship need that most transfer onto their pets.
We've adopted a coping mechanism that is working better than I expected. After seeing Coco, we started doing a day-of-the-dead cultural appropriation ritual (sorry, Mexico) for the cats we've lost. Every year, I put out framed pictures and their ashes, and we break out some junk-food cat food (Fancy Feast), and at the end of the day our current boys get to eat the junk food. It's a celebration, a remembrance, and it helps. Weirdly, it helps.
I hope you figure things out.