What are some tips for handling confrontation at work for someone who’s naturally averse to confrontation?
What are some tips for handling confrontation at work for someone who’s naturally averse to confrontation?
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Lacking a bit of context to understand what the problem is but perhaps look into "nonviolent communication" its a nice way to take feelings out / address them without resolving via emotional conflict
Mostly a new manager on our team causing issues (not my manager, half our team is her side of the org chart, my half of the team is a different skillset & manager.) She is not my bosses boss either. For some reason she is convinced she is both of those (boss of the whole team.) For context this is a very small team with full time focus on a special subsidiary co of one if my employer’s main clients. We are six people total, so theres no avoiding her. The rest of us do have and have always had a great dynamic and working relationship, but this woman respects nothing but the sound of her own voice, has no idea how to listen or compromise, doesn’t know wtf she’s doing, and thinks she’s going to bully everyone into doing things her way regardless.
If she has any experience in our industry, its very outdated. This does not stop her from being convinced she knows better on how this team works than all of us who’ve been on it for over a year. Lots of weird petty authoritarian control issues. Fixating on tardiness (its not a formal policy, but we work in a “younger” field and have always operated on a “as long as your deadlines are met, nobody cares if you’re running late” policy. This has become a whole crusade for her.
We have a short daily status call and try to all meet in person for it every Wednesday. She tried to insist these calls need to be in person everyday were in office (we hybrid.) Weve already pushed back on it, now she’s insisting these calls become video conferences 🙄 presumably so she can confirm we’re all at our desks on time.
Trying to make a lot of arbitrary (and sometimes counter productive) changes to processes shes not involved in, signing my half of the team up for ad hoc special projects from other teams for brownie points for herself, etc.
None of this would be so terrible if my actual boss weren’t utterly paralyzed by confrontation. He claims he’s biding his time until she really steps out of line, but I think he just has no back bone. Confronting authority figures (actual or imaginary as in this case she’s not my real boss) is stressful to me, but once I initially broach the topic, I do okay and keep it professional/constructive, so I’m trying to pick my battles because we’re all sick of being bullied by this idiot and I’m tired of waiting on my boss tk say something.
Sounds to me like you feel stressed and perhaps angry because you'd like there to be clarity of who has authority over what/whom.
As has been pointed out in a different reply, try to not think in terms of whos right and wrong but try to deescalate the emotional tension I dont know "emotional intelligence" but in "nonviolent communication" it goes along these lines:
- Listen. Try to understand what she wants how she is feeling. IMPORTANT: A feeling is not an accusation: Eg "hurt" implies someone hurt you. Dont feel accused in such a case, you just havn managed to find the right feeling yet. Dont tell her, her feeling is wrong, just find the right one (accusations never help)
- Try to find out why she is feeling this way, whats her underlying need? IMPORTANT: A need does not depend on some specific person. If she says "I need you to...", continue digging. Again, no accusations, that would cause only problems, you try to understand something here.
- Reflect and refine your understanding, you can make guesses if you make clear your asking to understand. Eg "it seems to me you are really enthusiastic right now. I take it, project X is very important to you and you want to make sure everyone pulls in the right direction?" Dont fake it, you really have to try and understand her, you dont have to agree.
- Rinse and repeat until she feels understood (usually easy to notice).
- Turn it around: Tell her your feelings and needs behind it. Same rules apl ply.
This is an ultra condensed version, I recommend watching: https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc
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So I already pushed back on some of her unreasonable demands already, and essentially I’m trying to ready myself for more little skirmishes even though it scares the shit out of me. My boss has assured me she has no authority over me and the org chart shows that plain as day, I’m just not used to telling someone who is technically higher ranking than me no in polite and tactful ways when appropriate. This team has been such smooth sailing (interpersonally) up until now.