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During my therapy session, the psych suggested I could have autism. She asked me what I think I have. I said I show traits of BPD, but I'm not the one who went to school to diagnose these conditions. I've got no idea but I know something is not right. Even though I feel crazy and people perceive me as crazy, that doesn't mean I am. Sure I've felt and said and done some crazy things, but those things don't define me.
I am praying that therapy works. I don't want to feel things so deeply anymore and catastrophise. I don't ever want to have an emotional outburst like I did the week of the breakup again, to the point where I have to beg someone to love me and make them and their people think I'm a complete psycho. I don't think it was a normal reaction to keep messaging him even though he wasn't responding. At the same time, I have to forgive myself and vow to never do that again.
I stupidly started talking to someone new who reassures me without having to ask, and even though I don't need it, and I'm just vibing and having fun chatting. Maybe I was just asking for too much from the wrong person.
Being manipulated often makes you look and feel crazy, as does dealing with arseholes. Sounds like you may have copped both.
Therapy is a good idea but have you also considered trying out some hobbies that regularly put you around other people in a low pressure environment? The goal isn't to "make friends". Just pick one or two activities you're curious to try and turn up regularly. After a while they'll recognise you and be low key friendly, but more than that it'll be a bit of a break in your day where you feel comfortable and are absorbed in something pleasant.
Note - you're not there to be besties or look for a date. You're pursuing interests with the pleasant side effect of cultivating hobby acquaintances. Don't give out your number or disclose personal info. Don't be upset if you don't hang out with these people outside of the activity, this is fine. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while to settle in and see benefits. If it's boring or people are behaving in catty/creepy ways (unfortunately very common), don't be afraid to bounce to a new one.
Ps. I don't recommend bars when looking for chill social times. Especially if you'll be there alone, aren't in a great headspace, or are going through a rough time in your life. There can tend to be a lot of unnecessary drama and while there are decent folk there are also a lot of drunk idiots and people who are just on the prowl.
Yes, I'm doing a community gardening project and just talk about life with people that I see once a week. It's helped me to remember I like being outside. Starting music lessons and joined a group fitness studio that's full of supportive and motivated people.
Getting back into reading and writing and realising that I like spending time alone.
Making space for a social activity with friends / family once a week. Next week I'm doing a cooking class with some friends.
There is lots to look forward to!
Would it be a fair to say that you’ve had limited experience in this area? I joke that I’m a weirdo, but I don’t think it would a stretch to say that many of us have responded in similar manners early in dating. I definitely have and I know plenty of people who have lost the plot over at least one person, especially in the face of losing them. I most certainly cringe at some of the ways I behaved, but I guess we’re all young and dumb at some point. (That’s not to say you are, but I definitely do not think that deep feelings and sometimes cognitive distortion always = bad thing that needs to be fixed.)
Absolutely :)