Thoughts on why small talk is so uniquely painful
Thoughts on why small talk is so uniquely painful
Image text: @agnieszkasshoes: "Part of what makes small talk so utterly debilitating for many of us who are neurodivergent is that having to smile and lie in answer to questions like, "how are you?" is exhausting to do even once, and society makes us do it countless times a day."
@LuckyHarmsGG: "It's not just the lie, it's the energy it takes to suppress the impulse to answer honestly, analyze whether the other person wants the truth, realize they almost certainly don't, and then have to make the DECISION to lie, every single time. Over and over. Decision fatigue is real"
@agnieszkasshoes: "Yes! The constant calculations are utterly exhausting - and all under the pressure of knowing that if you get it "wrong" you will be judged for it!"
My addition: For me, in addition to this, more specifically it's the energy to pull up that info and analyze how I am. Like I don't know the answer to that question and that's why it's so annoying. Now I need to analyze my day, decide what parts mean what to me and weigh the average basically, and then decide if that's appropriate to share/if the person really wants to hear the truth of that, then pull up my files of pre-prepared phrases for the question that fits most closely with the truth since not answering truthfully is close to impossible for me.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPSP-2xU4h/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
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I'm not autistic, but I got sick of this stupid expected "how are you?", "fine" nonsense. It's meaningless. Now I just give a quick honest answer. Nobody really finds it weird and it makes for much more engaging non-monotonous interactions.
You can even answer negatively if you manage to tone it right. "Eh, bit stressed", but then in a positive, non-confrontational, tone just add "but how are you?".
As long as you keep it brief, the other person can question it if they are genuinely interested, and then you can have actual conversation, or they won't if they're not really interested, it works fine either way.
The way I understand "how are you?" is not like an actual question, but a simple form of greeting, like "Hi". There is no need to answer it, you might as well say the same thing back again.
Yeah, but you don't get organic conversation from that. If that's how you want it, that's fine and normal - but otherwise if you reply with a small honest answer that doesn't reveal too much, it doesn't put pressure on the other person to respond, but it does leave it open for them to. I just find it as a simple, somewhat unorthodox thing that does lead to better connections with people
Isn't that what small talk is, what does everyone else do
what does everyone else do
Lie and move on.
Most people just say "good and you?" even if they don't actually feel particularly good.