It's all my fault...

I really didn’t want to have to write this out, as I am ready to just shout at someone, but my family and I are about to have game night and I don’t want to ruin it by constantly shouting stuff. Therefore, it’s being written here.

Let’s start from the beginning. When I was in seventh grade, my younger sister developed depression/suicidal thoughts. It scared me very badly, for I am a very sensitive person. However, not long after this whole thing started, I began to feel it was my fault that it happened.

My feelings began when my mom and I were in the car. She was either talking to me or somebody else when she mentioned that my sister had been crying to her the night before, saying that I got all my parents’ attention because they were always nagging me about my homework. She felt really bad and later on told me in a very manipulative voice that she was going to spend ten minutes with her talking about her day.

My mom and I were talking about things my sister says that bothers me, and she said that she can’t tell my sister not to talk about it because it would make her feel neglected like she was in the past. I feel terrible. It’s all my fault that my sister is depressed, it’s all my fault that she hates her body, because everyone in my family but me is overweight and are tempted when it comes to eating specific foods, I force myself to eat in private since I apparently “eat like a bird” compared to everyone else. It’s my fault my dad takes my sister to do “special chores” and brags about how strong she is and how she is a “worker bee,” where I’m just viewed as the housewife, because he believes “I’m not strong enough to lift stuff and need to stay at the other house for hours.” I can handle it too, and my mom thankfully knows this, and takes me over there to do chores too. It’s my fault my sister gets straight A’s in school, because it gets her positive attention, because apparently I hog all of their time. I’m the reason my family favors me, because I was born premature and autistic. Everything is my fault.

Since moving to college, my sister gets loads more attention, but ironically, says she doesn’t want it. While they drive me crazy, I would kill for some more time with my parents. I’ve felt so left out this last year now that my parents and sister have common TV interests and find her art fascinating. I can’t talk to my mom about it very well, because all I ever get is a contradiction as my mom is a Gemini and has ADD, and cannot listen without offering some sort of “yes, but…” it drives me insane.

I apologize for the big rant, I just had to share my feelings. While most of this doesn’t relate to me, I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault. Has anybody else felt like this or had a similar experience?