I can't get rid of the feeling that I am in control

Ive always had these feelings and I cant shake them, and the way I put them aside for long enough to actually enjoy them is really fun. For example, when I have an orgasm I feel like I have complete control over my body but when I stop Im so much more relaxed. The other day I was playing a video game called "Surviving Planet Earth" in bed with some other people who havent yet gotten fucked. One of them was on top of me while the other was laying on me. I was feeling really relaxed and content with myself when my orgasm happened but I stopped and was just so happy with myself because it felt really good to experience. Then my orgasm came and I could feel that I wasnt controlling anything. It was like I was on a roller coaster of different things. After that I started to have these thoughts. Like my body didnt want me to stop and my mind just kept telling me to continue. I was feeling guilty for thinking that because it was a video game, it could be that way but it feels like it could be a lot more fun with people who werent in control. I tried to play the game to see if I could experience it more easily but it was hard, so I just kept playing it. After that, I started to feel guilty that I wasnt thinking of myself in any way except the game. I played it so I could pretend I was just another person enjoying myself and enjoy myself. Then my orgasm hit me like a train. I wasnt expecting it to come so quickly. I was playing the game so it wasnt a total shock that it happened so quickly. I was also feeling guilty that I was enjoying myself playing it because I should probably have been thinking about what I was doing. After that I tried to play the game again but I was getting really bored. Then I tried to play a game where people had to use words to communicate and I remember that I did really really really enjoy it. Im pretty sure its one of my favorite things, that I can have fun in this medium and people can really enjoy it. I just feel guilty that I did that for no particular reason.