How to separate self-worth from Achievements and External Validation?
How to separate self-worth from Achievements and External Validation?
8 comments
-
-
I think you could try to find a different, new source of self worth to replace it with. It is probably hard to remove something from your concept of 'self-worth' if there isn't anything to replace it with. Adding things to the source also gives you something to focus on/say when you're next feeling bad about (the lack of) external reward/validation. There are many options, I'll try to list a few I've heard. Perhaps some sound better/easier/more true than others:
- People are intrinsically worthwhile and valuable. (Some religions assert this directly.)
- The things you will do in the future. (Seems like toddlers have a lot of self-worth sometimes. I like to imagine this is the source.)
- The things you want to do.
- Being able to do things that make you happy. (Can be hedonism.)
- The things you will never do. (Negative utilitarian, in some sense. You have worth for not being harmful.)
- Your relationships with others. (Pets count!)
- The validation and achievements that your communities/tribes have earned.
- The virtues you have developed. (Stoic.)
- The difficult things you have survived.
- You do things in a way that would, statistically, result in achievements and validation. You should value yourself for the expected value, rather than the specifics of today.
-
I want to go to sleep excited for the next day. I used to be motivated by my goals. But goals are hard to achieve and I haven't felt happy in the past after reaching some of my goals.
I want to enjoy being me without having to work for it.
Thanks for your reply.
-
How you judge others is how you judge yourself. Practice being kind in your judgment of others, and you will find it becomes natural to be kind in how you judge yourself.
What you value, praise, attend to in others' lives is what you value, praise, and eventually attend to in your own life. Be curious about others lives, don't assume they have it figured out. This will lead to natural curiosity of your own life, and you will find there are many kinds of achievement and each leads to a way to value yourself. (Achievement is not one-dimensional--money & career is only one kind of achievement).
-
I have to disagree a bit with the efficacy of this method.
I myself have been told that I'm very understanding for people who try and learn something new, or do something I already know how to. However when the roles are switched, I can't help but to hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others, and I end up pissing on myself for having such a hard time doing something others seem to have such an easy time with. Personal example is learning a language: I'm such a slow learner, still being A1 after three years, while I have a friend who got to B1 in 9 months. And I keep thinking things like "why do I struggle so much retaining this simple information? I must be putting a weak effort into this...", while my friends are like "Keep going! You're doing great!". I can't help but consider it mocking, like "aw, it's adorable that you try so hard, and are still a noob!", even though that is something neither of us actually think.
It works well as a form of motivation though, albeit slightly toxic.
I try to compare myself with my previous self, but that I find near-impossible, for some reason.
-
It works well as a form of motivation though, albeit slightly toxic.
Yeah, but it only works so much. Then it's just a voice that's bullying you.
-
-
8 comments
I don't... Hahaha this is one of the things I most often speak to my counsellor about though and I'm working hard on it.
My issue is more around productivity (achievements), so what I work on is doing things for the sake of doing them, not for the final product, i.e. doing art for the process or even playing a game just to play and not for literal achievements. Learning to just enjoy things for the process or just doing 'nothing'. They suggested I could just come home and sit and watch my cats and... Just do nothing. I'm still working on that one.
We haven't gotten that far into external validation, but I think learning to have compassion/love for yourself helps with that.
That sounds so difficult for me. Sigh . Just do nothing... A voice in my head keeps telling me "You've wasted so much to me! Others would have finished so much work in this time".
I know that I should be more kind to myself. I am more kind to myself than I used to be. We only get one life and I can't hate myself in it - Others wouldn't hate themselves, they would be really good at loving themselves! Lol
I feel you 100%, I have the same voice. If you want to watch something truly depressing but extremely relatable, the episode called "stupid piece of shit" from bojack horseman covers the topic in a much more real way than any cartoon has the right to do so.
We can get through it though, the voice is a liar.