5d ago

What do you do when you’re functionally reliant on others’ approval of you and you don’t know what you’re doing wrong to not get it?

For example, getting hired onto a job, forming a community, and to a lesser degree forming platonic or romantic relationships

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Seek therapy. That might sound snarky but I'm sincere. I was in a similar place long ago and therapy helped me become content with myself. After that, I got a job, formed a community, and formed a romantic relationship.
- I have, but we haven’t been able to find any particular issues with me that would be affecting that. Some of the possible causes seem to be environmental, like capitalism, problematic majority demographics, certain other people being jerks, and just bad luck.
The fundamental flaw in the premise is you cannot know what you're doing "wrong" to not get it. If you're not literally the other person, you can't observe every string of thought that goes through their head. If they know how much you rely on their approval, their brain will automatically consolidate power over you, issuing approval and disapproval alternately based on how it will force you to maneuver in the course of getting their own needs met. The only thing a person can successfully control in a healthy way is themselves. So you'll end up getting disapproval when they are tired or cranky or whatever without them necessarily even realizing what they are doing. No human other than yourself can be the never-ending source of approval you desire.
If this is happening, it's likely you're locked in a toxic codependent relationship in which the other person is getting a LOT more out of the relationship than you.
If this is about a boss (and this is where it gets exciting) you're being managed in an oligarchy. You're not allowed to be happy and feel constant approval because they are controlling you.
Speak with a friend, trusted person or professional to find out what the issue is. If people are getting a negative impression of you you should probably be able to figure out why. And if not, it would be worth speaking to someone to get an outside perspective.
I usually fail then become unemployed and isolated.
Be pleasant to be around.
You know people who you like being around? What do they do that makes you like being around them. Try to understand how you could be more like them.
You probably also know people you don't like being around. What makes them unpleasant to be around? Do you behave in any of those ways?
It depends on the situation.
getting hired onto a job
If there are no other options, just suck up to the interviewer. Give them what they want to hear.
forming a community, and to a lesser degree forming platonic or romantic relationships
Be yourself. It won’t last long or be of interest to you if you fake it.
I have never been in this situation, as I neither need the approval of others nor lack for it despite that.
- I didn’t mean in the sense of having their approval for your own peace of mind. I meant them consenting to work with you in order for you to achieve an objective.

9 comments