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This is such a classic communication problem. I’d like to hear how to overcome it.
Both sides have to talk and just as importantly, be willing to listen. Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.
I’ve been with my wife for 18 years, and this is 100% correct. Disagreements are always going to happen, you just have to talk your way through them and be willing to admit when you’re wrong.
Agree 100%. My wife and I had pretty good communication but issues still came up occasionally. A few years in we made the conscious decision to treat arguments that came up as miscommunications first and make sure we each clearly understood each other before doubling down on it. It was a total game changer and was eye opening how often we might have the unrealistic expectation of wanting the other person to read our mind.
I’m imagining you lost a few at “just have to be willing.”
Well, my wife has to be willing to admit when she’s wrong. Fortunately for me, I’m never wrong. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I needed that deep laugh.
A phrase that's always stuck with me is "it's not me versus you; it's me and you versus the problem".
That and solution driven language. Instead of going "you aren't doing chore x" it's "I need chore x to be done more frequently, here's what I'm willing to commit to doing for it" and then they share what they are realistically able to deliver, and then you negotiate until some sort of compromise is reached. Of course that requires good faith. But if your relationship can't have that, maybe there shouldn't be a relationship.
What I find weird is I see people who can do this in their office job, but then completely fall to bring the same problem solving to their personal life.
what if you're the problem?
:(
If one of the people in a relationship is the problem then both (or all) people need to work together to solve it. That means communicating about the problem without being confrontational, working together to find a solution or compromise, etc. Part of this requires a change in mindset: don't think "you are the problem", think "this aspect of you is the problem". It has to be a team effort.