I have a kill list of people that abused me sexually and psychologically

I was abused in 4th grade by a certain guy and whenever I look at my life every single aspect and problem is like an extension of this misery.

No matter how I run, how I want to forget it seems like it is futile, that my life cannot go on before I make that person die.

There were other people but this person is the root of all problems. He just needs to die for me to feel peace and harmony again and to get out of prison of my mind. I know for certain it will feel immensely calming and I will feel great peace.

I am still pursuing other methods but I feel like it is inevitable. Like this is the only key to make peace

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That you're posting here suggests you really don't want to take action. That's a good start.

I urge you to seek professional counseling to work on processing this horrible experience. It won't go away if you follow through with violent plans. While you may feel like it would release your from the "prison of your mind," I can assure you it will not. And you're more likely to find yourself if literal prison.

I was raped when I was 17. I've never said thst anywhere in print, and rarely speak about it in person. I'm 68 now. I recall the details vividly.

I'm saying it now to you so you know I am speaking from hard experience, not just blathering. Revenge will not release you. And: you will be shaped by the experience. You cannot change that. But far more importantly, you do not need to be defined by it.

I refuse to have my life defined by one stupid person's thoughtless, egregiously cruel act (or even several people, several acts). You are better than that, stronger than that. I refuse to give anyone that power. It's not about forgetting anything. It's about forging it through your own will into one event, among many, that make you who you are, and who you can be.