Everything feels so Loud (CW Depression/Sucide)

I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that