What are The signs about you being trans that your pre Crack self ignored/overlooked?
What are The signs about you being trans that your pre Crack self ignored/overlooked?
I'll go firstt:
1: Regularly thinking that girls got all the cute clothes
2: Buying female clothes (skirt and some underwear) for "cross dressing"
3: Feeling physical pain when having to put off bought female clothes to go outside
4: Imagining yourself as the women in porn (that's why I at first though I was "just gay")
5: Being sad when thinking about trans people and realising I couldn't transition because I'm not trans
6: Absolutely suppressing every form of thought when thinking about "the trans topic" (in a way that sometimes I reflected myself and thought that I may be trans, but I 100% suppressed those thoughts knowing damn well, that this wasn't that much of a good strategy. This also included the thought "acts trans, looks trans, probably is trans", that crossed my mind after taking LSD for the first time)
7: Dissociating kinda regularly. Happened usually when reading fantasy books. Didnt realise it was dissociation until like 3 weeks ago
Probably missed some stuff but those are the most significant ones. Quite a lot of stuff are signs that appears around the last year or so.
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- Hated being topless, even while swimming
- Curious how having boobs would feel
- Drawn to lesbian relationships
- Never even tried to look good as a man
- Been taking antidepressants since a little after puberty
- Cried when a psychiatry form asked if I had thoughts of being the opposite gender
- Hated being juxtaposed to men
- Didn't dream much about romance or sex because every time I thought about them they would just feel underwhelming and draining
- When I imagined myself following a similar life path to my dad or any other male figure, I felt like life wasn't worth living if that was my future
- Wished I was born a different person, because I had no attachment to who I was and nothing to lose
- Disassociating in the mirror
- Hated being seen as a big man, I wanted to be seen as soft instead
- Just like, all the signs that who I presented as made me feel awful
I'm a cis man and I've experienced 2, 3, and 9
That's part of what can be so hard about gender exploration is figuring out when something makes you "trans enough" - lots of trans experiences can overlap with cis experiences. Lots of people feel awkward or insecure in their gender.
One of the main ways people help differentiate is to focus on the question of whether you have a deep desire to be the opposite sex. A common thought experiment is whether you would press a button that causes you to wake up the next morning as the opposite sex, but it's irreversible, you have to live the rest of your life that way. Would you press the button?
I can only imagine how hard that would be. I already feel awkward and insecure about the shit going on in my life that feels pretty benign by comparison.
tbf, most of my stuff also felt like not a huge deal at the time, I just had no point of reference to see how bad it really was. Now that I have a reference, I see that the gap between being fine and being very not fine is much smaller than I'd thought for most of my life, it's not like it's gatekept behind suffering Enough™. I guess the same sentiment goes for gender, autism, and a bunch of other things.