Is there a term for someone who is ok with the rest of their body, but wishes they had the other genitals?
Is there a term for someone who is ok with the rest of their body, but wishes they had the other genitals?
I'm afab and if the surgery was possible for turning what I have into a fully functioning dick, I would have done it by now.
Basically I'm comfortable with my perceived gender, I just wish how I see myself mentally when I think about sex, matched up to what I've got in my pants. I've felt this way since I was a young teenager too, so it's not a phase or a fetish, it's how I've wanted to present sexually for most of my life.
Does this disconnect I'm talking about just fall under the non-binary trans umbrella? Or is it a seperate thing?
Are there any other people here who feel this way?
(Phalloplasty does not appeal to me. The surgery is brutal, it doesn't look right (to me) when it heals, it isn't functional how I would want it to be, and it isn't sensitive like a dick.)
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The truth is, no one can tell you, except for you, and often we ourselves don't know. There is no single label used to describe what you're talking about. It can be a form of non binary experience, but that involves your experience of gender, it isn't just about the physical. There's "altersex", which doesn't speak to gender at all, but it's not widely understood, and is also popular with transmedicalists who try and gatekeep other folks validity, so it can carry some unwanted assumptions in people who do recognise it.
And honestly, there is the possibility that it's not "just about genitals". There could be more to this than you're willing to admit, even to yourself.
I was similar to you. I'm a trans woman, and I spent so much of my earlier life literally wishing that I was trans specifically so I could access bottom surgery. If I could have had surgery than magically changed me down stairs, but changed nothing else, I'd have jumped at it. But, of course, there was more to it than that, I was just deep in denial... That's not to say your experience will be the same as mine. I just want to raise it as a possibility for you to think about.
It's a lot of words, but honestly, my advice is to just use whatever feels right, but without getting attached to the specific label. Use it as long as it feels right, but if it stops feeling right, give yourself permission to change it. And that's true even if the label you end up with is "cis woman who wants a dick". As long as the label is working for you, rather than against you, it's the right label
Thank you for replying! This is such a tricky topic to navigate, I really appreciate your input.
I've thought about this a lot and ngl, if I was born male my life would have been a lot easier in many ways (and a lot more difficult in others, obviously), but I'm pretty sure at this point that I likely would have ended up presenting female and getting modified to match my gender (nb female) but keeping my sex intact.
I'm actually quite envious of the women who've achieved this as their final form, but I've not knowingly even met any though.
All the trans women I've known and loved have hated their og anatomy, and I felt like it would be insulting to say that was what I wanted for my body when they fought so hard to get rid of it.
The trans guys I've known over the years have either been shitty people or much younger than me, so I've never bothered to try talking to them about this as they were bullies, or it was inappropriate subject matter for kids I'm tutoring.
I've only known like 5 trans guys though, compared to the 20 something trans women who've been in my life over the years.
Idk, I worry that even if I meet a trans guy I can talk to about this, I'll avoid it anyway as I'd be scared of feeling like I'm insulting their masculinity by wanting something for myself that the surgery just isn't advanced enough yet to provide for actual men like them.
All the trans women I've known and loved have hated their og anatomy, and I felt like it would be insulting to say that was what I wanted for my body when they fought so hard to get rid of it.
Not at all! What they wanted was bodily autonomy! And that's what you want!
And again, to bring a personal experience in to this, the person who helped me understand who I am, and accept who I am is a trans guy. He was the first trans person I'd ever spoken to, and what struck me was that despite his experience being the "opposite" of mine, he was also the first person I'd ever spoken to who understood what I was saying, who I didn't have to explain myself to. He just got it.
Which is to say, in the gender diverse community, the stuff we have is common is far greater than the differences. The experience of each gender diverse person is unique, but at the same time, just like so many others before them!
I'll avoid it anyway as I'd be scared of feeling like I'm insulting their masculinity by wanting something for myself that the surgery just isn't advanced enough yet to provide for actual men like them.
Yeah, that is something you need to be careful of. Not yucking on other peoples yum. But you can still talk about it. You can talk about your own hesitations, and you can ask them how they feel about the same things you're concerned about. Rather than "I don't want to do it because it's not perfect", you can ask them to talk about their own relationship with bottom surgery, given that it's not perfect. You can talk about your own concerns and anxiety, without positioning your experience as the one true perspective. They know it's not perfect. But they do it anyway. And honestly, it sounds like hearing the perspective of someone in that position would be really helpful to you!
I understand it's about bodily autonomy but after seeing friends dealing with so much self loathing due to their anatomy, and hearing my ex talking about what she went through to get surgery and the complications she had after, it always felt like it would be wrong, like rubbing sand into a wound, to bring up how I wanted to present myself. My ex probably guessed a bit eventually but she was not into it.
If I meet more trans guys who it's appropriate to talk to about this, I'll give it a go! Thank you for your advice.
I might actually email my ex and see if I can talk to her about this too. I don't know too many people irl right now and she's a pretty good problem solver, all things considered.
Ok, let me give you another produce perspective.
I had breast augmentation and it's been a huge source of joy.
But something else that's a source of joy for me is seeing the goofy smile of joy on a trans guys face, when he shares a photo of the first time he went swimming topless after top surgery.
You don't need to assume talking about the things you want will make other folk unhappy just because they don't want it. Play it by ear and respect people's boundaries if they do express discomfort and you'll be fine.
I will. Thank you.
There is a lot of spectrum on the binary, and dysphoria doesn’t always have to be an all or nothing thing, some people are okay with parts of there body, but have dysphoria from other things like social roles and expectations (I’m referencing my own experience here). This really helped me think about dysphoria as something that can take many different shapes and forms for different people : https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en
One of the parts I am enjoying about exploring gender is that you can figure out what it all means for you
I've not seen that site before, thank you for linking it!
People who have clear interests that contrast my own make it much easy to realize my own thoughts are not that of a cis men. Given the pressure cis men are put under to pretend they like being cis men, I couldn't trust them to be honest*, so seeing others' thoughts was helpful. So thanks for saying you actually want a penis?
*sorry to anyone who I accidentally laughed because I thought you were making fun of masculinity rather than earnestly embracing it because I couldn't imagine someone actually wanting that.
Do you feel this dysphoria with your parts but not gender too?
I think that's at least approximately correct. Not sure I trust my judgement on my own emotions though. I still just use my birthname, boymode for work, etc and I've been aware I'm trans for a few years at this point. But it was over I realized I wanted an orchi and never considered that it might somehow be related to gender.