(In all seriousness, consider getting a bidet kit. You can find fairly decent, farily cheap ones, and they can massively cut down your TP usage to basically just undampening your pooper.)
Ever taken a shower with a detachable/flexible shower head, and pointed it upward at your bunghole?
Bidets are sort of comparable to that.
Difference being... if you get one of the basic bidet kits... they tap into the water line your toilet bowl uses to refill after a flush.
And they often don't have water heaters or or resevoirs of their own, if its an affordable bidet kit.
So that means your bidet water can be... quite cold, if your house/building doesn't have great insulation, during the winter, or fairly lukewarm, during the summer.
I consider the heater essential and would skip meals if I had to, just to save for a model with the heater. I do live in the north though and the water is basically freezing in the winter.