How do you know when you're actually passing?
How do you know when you're actually passing?
I socially transitioned before I started hormones, and when I went out in public wearing women's clothes, people would look at me frequently, and some people would stare at me. It was obvious I didn't pass from these kinds of responses, but I also got somewhat used to that treatment.
Over time, with hormone therapy, I get fewer and fewer instances of this. I haven't been stared at in a long time, and I think people look at me less.
At one point I would describe my experience as being a "woman shaped object" - in people's peripheral vision I looked like a normal woman, but if someone interacted with me they could tell I was trans.
I went out yesterday and got my nails done, went shopping, went out for dinner, etc. and interactions with people made me think they couldn't tell I was trans, but I just don't know whether they can actually tell or not.
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn't a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
Anyway - this just makes me wonder: what are others' experiences with passing and not-passing, what are little clues that you aren't passing or when you are?
I assume you just can't actually tell when people are being polite vs not knowing, but maybe there are little hints.
Thanks!
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I usually assume people are being polite. I know my voice is still pretty "unique" as one acquaintance put it, so I figure that'll always out me no matter how far along my body gets with HRT.
But still. Passing isn't as important to me as being treated the way I want to. More and more often now, strangers have been using my preferred pronouns without me having to tell them first. And whatever the reason for that is, it makes me sooo happy~
yeah, I assume most people are just being polite as well. My voice isn't cis-passing IMO (but my self-perception can be off), but it no longer sounds like a man's voice either, and in public I pay much more attention to my voice and try to pass with it more (major work in progress, honestly one of the hardest parts of transitioning).
Passing is important to me for safety reasons because of where I live, but admittedly it hasn't been my explicit goal as much as something that I desire. No one has sir'd me or used he/him pronouns in a long time, but sometimes I get a "they" that could indicate they don't know my gender and want to be careful, though that is sometimes just my sensitivity (sometimes they use "she" later for example and the "they" then seems less like I thought).
But yay to strangers using your preferred pronouns without prompting, that's awesome!
Ah yes, the they/them when I go as she/her... Although it sort of irks me right when I hear it, l still see it as a sign of progress -- I've made it to the gray area! That's better than where I started!
yes, you get it đ "androgynous" is better than "man", and "I don't know your gender and I want to be polite" is better than "sir" or he/him. Still, makes me feel like my gender is broken or something.
I wouldn't blame gender per se. More that it blows their minds, and that's what's broken.
You know, positive self-talk. You're mind-blowing.
To be fair, I tend to they/them even cis people unless I know them and know what they prefer. Better to assume neutral rather than one way or the other.