There was a Basic Instructions comic about exactly this, but unfortunately the only thing I can remember about it is that the protagonist describes someone's hair as "turgid" and "basic instructions turgid hair" isn't getting many relevant results.
Also, is "chariots chariots" related to the rest of the post or am I just oblivious?
Reminds me of my lawyer relative talking about defending a case involving undercover cops and strip clubs. "Turgid" is a legal concept, I guess. Honestly I think that's very stupid.
Apparently it can mean "excessively embellished in style or language," so I guess if you were to describe a legally contested situation in a ... Turgid manner, it could distort any case made based on your testimony? IANAL, so that's just a wild swing at the appropriate application based on one web search.
Preemptive aside: I've seen lots of jokes made, so for anyone not familiar, IANAL is neither sexual nor any kind of innuendo or entendre.
Unfortunately, that particular legal brief that I read, which was written by "real lawyers", used "turgid" in reference to genitalia. The argument had something to do with the intent of undercover officers in strip clubs. I've forgotten why the cops were there to begin with, but my relative has a career in representing cops when they did illegal and horrible stuff. I am NOT defending any of that.