I seriously advise you to get professional help. This doesn't sounds very healthy, maybe you should get this checked with a therapist. I hope you find peace on your life. Please take care.
Dunno where you reside and the legality but psilocybin and ketamine have been showing wonderful results in depression and are becoming more available in a medical setting. I’ve done a few K sessions at a local clinic and I won’t say it’s fixed my depression but I do find it easier to look at things glass half full, highly recommend.
Note however, that psychotropics drugs are best taken under medical instruction and are most effective in the long run if you're also in psychotherapy.