I have really bad memory, but something feels wrong.
I have really bad memory, but something feels wrong.
In the last year I have discovered that my childhood memories are pretty lacking, like I don't remember major life events and even whole periods of time.
The more I thought about it, the scarier it got. The feeling of having zero recollection of things that people around me remember, is really scary.
I have some psychological issues that I never really understood the root of but after this, and reading about child abuse and specifically child sexual abuse victims and the symptoms that might develop later in life. I have this feeling that maybe something happened to me, and I even have a "suspect" who is not part of my life anymore but was when I was a child.
I suspect that my mother might know something but this is too scary to ask about, and honestly, too scary to investigate because what if it's true?
Did anyone experience something like this? How did you handle it? Am I just scared because I'm missing memories and want to find a reason for my psychological issues?
Writing this down was scary, up until now this was only between me and my brain.
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It's very hard to have a safe space to talk about these things and I hope moderation here works responsibly.
My experience was a bit different. I wasn't really a victim of child abuse, but probably part of the inner circle of a victim of child abuse who replicated those behaviors with his friends. It was hard to come to terms with the things that I did as a child, which ultimately were the kind of "games" that you kept hidden from adults, until I realized something was wrong and stopped. I stopped even after I was blackmailed by said circle and never came back, ever.
Memory is weird when you were hurt, because you don't wanna come back to it. But you can achieve so much by confronting what happened if you are feeling the urge or the angst of a black veil covering your whole childhood. Understand one thing, whatever happened can't hurt you anymore.
Thank you.
I want to tackle this, I want to find out, but I'm also afraid that if I push too hard my brain will just fabricate memories that fit my suspicions.
Like what if I try to remember if I was abused and eventually my brain just starts to believe it happened and gives me some memories that didn't really happen.
For example I have this one super vivid memory that I was drowning in a pool as a kid and was rescued by the lifeguard who then returned me to my parents, but my parents claim that it never happened. So this drowning memory is either real and both of my parents forgot it (which is possible) or at some point it was fabricated by my brain (also possible)
So if my brain can do that, I don't want that to happen with something that can literally change mine and others lives.
I don't know exactly what kind of memory may arise from your work on these issues, but you certainly can control what to do with whatever you may find. You can decide that only affects to yourself and in a positive manner. Steer always towards that direction with the help of a professional.
Anyway, good luck with your journey.
Thank you for your advice