“Could a dead man do THIS?!” asks Trump before lying down in coffin forever

President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.

“This is going to be the most alive you’ve ever seen a person, folks, that I can assure you. People are going to come up to my coffin, crying their eyes out and say ‘Wow, President Trump, you are so alive and it makes me want to have big beautiful babies and name them Donald.’ Can you believe that? Lots of people are saying Donald is the best baby name for boys and girls,” boasted Trump to reporters in a pre-recorded video played on a television next to the coffin before hoisting himself into the casket, where he will remain for all of time. “As I am about to demonstrate, I am not only alive, I am physically strong enough to keep my body perfectly still in this coffin from now until the end of creation. I won’t need to breathe or eat because of how perfectly still I will be being. I can’t wait to see how CNN spins this one!” [...]