What's your power? Choose wisely.

Eye color. Though the five dollarydoos are tempting.

The black teleport one. You rob a bank and then teleport away so you can't be tracked? The means of escape is usually how they track you down. So, suddenly being able to teleport thousands of miles in a moment?

Also, it'd be really useful for interstellar stuff. You only need enough fuel, food, and air to go one way. Strap me onto the rocket to Mars! I'd even hop back with huge sacks of Mars rocks to give to NASA. We've figured out the trek to Mars, its the getting back that's been the problem.

If I could teleport other people into a Tool music video, this wins hands down.

"Albanian Transporter" would be a pretty sick nickname of an assassin whose movements seem to defy the laws of physics.

Sounds like a perverse sex move to me.

Obviously I'm teleporting to Albania.

Red, can I also change each eye to a different colour?

Sure, why not, go crazy.

Uhmmmm can I also teleport back from Albania? If so, then sure. I hate travelling so I never really go far, being able to go to Albania and back at the blink of an eye would be chill. Going for a nice lunch walk and then teleport back. Otherwise I'll go with the eye colour I guess, the rest is useless.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it's a one way ticket?

ur telling me I can get a /home command and all I need to do is become Albanian?

The Cantonese speaking dog is pretty cool. I like the Albania teleporting till I realized I need to get out of Albania

Red. My eye colour already changes randomly, although less often and more subtly than it did when I was younger.

I'd love to be able to control it and confuse people.

People here talk about doing crime with the black pill, but I would instead just be the perfect astronaut.

Think about it, they could shoot you in space without having to think about how to get you back. No landing, no parachute, just a one way rocket launch.

Space agencies would be practically forced to hire you on the spot.

You underestimate the vastness of space and the reach we have with current technology.
- Not having to worry about return frees up a lot of delta-v budget. Less need for supplies frees up more. It'd massively improve payload.
  Can you bring anything with you? Is it a naked thing or do you bring clothes? What counts as clothes? Can you 'wear' a two tonne rock? Etc

Black one for sure. You could get away with some amazing heists/pranks/achievements.

And they'll be waiting for you in Tarana Albania, every time.
- Everywhere? The first thing I would do is take a 3 month vacation and scout the entire city.
  Best chances are to bribe the politicians and police, then you can get away with a lot.
- Spawn camping
- Only if they knew that’s where I went
I think they'd catch on to me after I got flagged 5 times in one year leaving Albania with no record of entering the country in between.
- Albania will probably join the eu in 2030. Wait 5 years, then simply live somewhere in the eu, maybe even do most of your crimes in the eu, and you won't ever run into border checks.
get an apartment closest to the teleport place, travelling is now cheaper as you never have to worry about the way back.
- The teleport place is Tirana, Albania. Nobody said the same spot in Tirana, Albania every time. Your real estate investment was rash and very rarely saves you time. But it does increase in value a tiny bit, so eh you're fine.

Pink, because then you can fold Queen Elizabeth II into a whale giving head

God save... What the fuck?
- Just how we do things down under mate

Red.

Simply say "oh, its a full moon tonight?" Then look at them with your now piercingly red eyes and state "I must leave, immediately."

Get out of any social situation and you can get your friends to think you're hiding some big secret. Win win.

Or "don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" while turning your eyes green
- "but I like big strong angry and mysterious guys uwu"
  "well this has backfired"
Why bother if you could simply teleport to Tirana and back afterwards ?
- There's no "and back" included
- I do love how many problems this solves. Very nearly all of them, potentially.

There's a lot of room for interpretation with purple, but 80 million people speak Cantonese. I would be a fool not to take it.

Quite a lot are picking Tirana.

I suspect there'll be some telefragging in the future.

I can get a dog I can talk to with a translator app? Hell yeah

Right?I will learn Cantonese to be able to talk to my dog.
- Your dogs says: Bow wow wow yippie yay yippie yo.

One time I was in Spain and I found 5 Australian dollars on the floor in a train station. I picked it up and pocketed it. The same day, I climbed a bell tower in some museum/remains and was chilling up there for half an hour, without anybody else coming up. Eventually another person came up and said hi. Recognised they were Australian so I asked them if they wanted 5 dollars and they said "....yeah?" And I gave it to them. No explanation.

I laugh sometimes thinking of the story from their perspective, climbing a Spanish bell tower and meeting an English guy at the top who hands them 5AUD, like a NPC in an RPG.

DOG. Always dogs. More dogs. I want to pet all the dog.

我想要狗狗做朋友

DOG!

It's really the only answer, an no I don't speak Cantonese. But I could make up fake translations for everything they say.

And teleport back back, right?

... Right?

I didn't take it that way. It's still super useful. Bribe their government to not say shit and try to keep a low profile. I don't know how fucked your passport would look though...
- Bribe em a little more and you'll just be a frequent flyer
- Unless you already live in the Schengen area, then if Albania ever joins the EU as it is talking about doing right now...

australians rise up

Black. I could do anything far away from Albania, teleport there, have three cctv cameras and 9 guys at a pub confirm was there having a drink with them in the evening the 23rd and could definitely not have been robbing a jewelery store in Copenhagen at the same time.

You can rob one store. Afterwards you can't enter the EU without interpol arresting you.
- They would have to figure out how I could be impossibly far away soon after the crime to a judge to get the warrant and then to a jury to get me convicted.
- Had to look it up. Albania is in the final stages of joining the EU anyway so that won't be too much of a problem.

i reckon you could make more than $5AUD with a cantonese speaking dog

AND you get a dog

Yea… but then you have a dog.
- yyyyyeah
  amazing
'Hey google why does my dog keep calling me Gweilo?'
- are kibbles the opium of the modern cantonese speaking dog?

Talking dog, it's so obviously talking dog

I feel like you could easily just make money off their TV performances... Wait is the dog like as smart as a person? Isn't going to start demanding that it sign its own contracts and have its own bank account? That could get old fast.
- Why are people obsessed with using the dog to get money or women or whatever? It's a talking fucking dog!! That's a cool ass pet I wanna chill with my cool talking dog.
- Nobody would believe it. They'd accuse you of faking it a la Milli Vanilli. You have a talking dog, a literal miracle, and yet people would mock and criticize. Depressed, you'd turn to alcohol. The good shit, sure--that dog made you a little money, after all--but paying more for your poison only makes it drain all of your resources that much faster. You're a husk of your former self.
  But you've still got your dog who still loves you unconditionally, against all odds. :)
Having a dog that speaks Cantonese would be a great way to get a girlfriend that speaks both English and Cantonese, and make a shit ton of money as the dog talks to people, and the girlfriend translates.
- How do you know she isn't mistranslating your messages to the dog to make it think she's on its side? You've got an awful lot of trust...
You might not appreciate what they have to say as much as you expect. Let's just put it that way.
- Is this a reference to something I don't get? Because I dunno how talking dog is some monkeys paw cursed blessing just because it speaks Cantonese. I don't speak Cantonese, but, like 80 million other people do. So I could learn.

Dinner with Luol Deng of course. I don’t know who it is but that pill means I get free dinner every night.

You only get one dinner
- And you have to pay for Luol Deng.
Plot twist: you are the dinner.

gonna increase my skull diameter by an inch and concuss the FUCK out of myself.

people dig green eyes.

The teleportation is obviously most powerful in terms of exploits

The dog could bring about the most technological advancement

I think Ill go for the eye color change though, because its so uncommon to have different eye colors.

Can you teleport things with you? If so, use your ability to start a business importing items to Albania with nearly zero shipping costs, then invest in the local community until it's a really nice city to teleport home to.

So a smuggling ring?

Tirana. Being a courier, you can just zap yourself from South America or Australia straight to Albania to securely deliver a package or message. Provided your contracts cover the costs of the non-teleportation aspects, you can make millions easily.

It doesnt say you can teleport back...
You keep flying back into your country from Albania with no proof you ever left you're gonna get "interviewed" at an airport really fast.
- I'd move to Albania and buy the property my teleport leads to. Then I can get home instantly.
It says you can teleport. Doesn’t say you can take anything with you. Maybe you arrive there completely naked?

Give me dat blue pill and drop me in Schism. Those weird clay people look like they know how to party!

Easy: Teleport to Albania for cheap rent and food, work somewhere with high pay.

It doesn't say you can teleport away though, so wherever you work is gonna have to be somewhat close by anyway
This one with some preparation could be the base for quite some high risk activities.

The black pill is the logical one to take. It's basically a get out of death (or jail, I suppose) free card if you can use it at the right time. Unfortunately, most people don't speak the language or have a passport that would allow them to leave the country. So you might have problems there.

Changing eye color at will would be cool as well, but not as useful in an emergency.

One needs to read terms and conditions. Where in Tirana?
- Inside a wall
Quite a lot of Albanians speak English these days, I think you would be completely fine in basically every circumstance assuming you could open a safety deposit box and leave a spare passport.
I have too many questions about how the teleportation works, like what happens if you instantly (or over a small time t) transition from one location's air pressure to another?
- I've not looked up the actual elevation differences, but I think that you would most likely survive with a bout of vertigo. People have no issue surviving cabin pressure loss in an aircraft, which is a larger difference in pressure than you would probably see.
- you get gassy

Cantonese speaking dog is the obvious choice. Far more impressive than anything else here.

I would 1000% learn Cantonese and have conversations with my dog.
- 嗚嗚
- And prank it asking what sauce they prefer
My wife speaks Cantonese and wants a dog so the dog is the obvious choice, but $5 is $5...

My reactions in order upon seeing these:

"Sounds cool I could probably convince some nutjobs that I'm a demon or something?"

"Who?"

"Great my head already doesn't fit through my doorframe as it is"

"I would farm exactly two reactions out of this before getting bored"

"Who?"

"Is he only like ethnically cantonese or is that the sole language he speaks?"

"So nothing"

"A what in a what now?"

"Oh no."

“Great my head already doesn’t fit through my doorframe as it is”
Hey, Arnold
If your skull size increases but what’s inside doesn’t, that sounds potentially very bad.

Red pill,I guess 🤷‍♂️

ITT: a lot of people who don't commit crimes because they're afraid they'd get caught instead of, you know, ethics.

Getting a speaking dog is so amazingly superior it's not even funny

Malum in se refers to acts that are crimes because they are inherently morally wrong.
Malum prohibitum refers to acts that are crimes only because they have been forbidden under the law.
For the malum prohibitum category, you better believe that most of us are avoiding those acts mostly out of a cost benefit analysis of getting punished for it.
Which acts are truly immoral in themselves, though, depends on context and personal moral system.

Obviously pink.
I don't see any stipulation that says I can only use my power only once.

TOOL? QB, XFL? (Luol Deng?) Are those Chinese abbreviations (and celebrity)?

Xijinping Football League
If you legitimately don't know tool, you're getting recycled. Now get in line for the grinder. Totally not what you think a grinder would be. Grinder making grinding humans noises yeah ignore that and have fun.

Can't believe no one at all is thinking about 'Become a Third String QB in the XFL'. There's nothing specifying that this is a one time transformation.

Being an XFL QB of any level seems like it would require a general level of health and wellbeing... If you could assume that this would make you capable of being a QB with everything that would typically entail and if that power was constant where you were always capable of being a QB... You could be kind of immortal, healthy, and always in at least above average shape.

Also imagining a world where all society has collapsed except the XFL, I'd read that book.

Depending on your current situation the base XFL salary of $59k might look pretty good. You're not going to get rich off that but lots of people survive off a lot less.
So the XFL is defunct, but before that, they didn’t really have third stringers.
Congrats. You’re already a 3rd string QB in the XFL.

Going for purple to get the dog. I speak Mandarin, so if I put in the effort I could learn Cantonese really fast.

Black could be handy once in a while.

The vagueness gives me pause. You could effectively be a god depending on whether you can choose where and how to teleport within Tirana. Constructing buildings and shipping goods with minimal cost and energy. Renaming other towns to expand your powers. Expanding Albania to do the same. Definitely the highest ceiling
Trekking back every time might get old, but it's a pretty useful one.
- "[do something illegal], disappear to Tirana" can be really lucrative, so I wouldn't care about my plane ticket spending. Wait until it joins EU, and it will be much easier to do whatever you want (otherwise it will be hard to explain, why you keep leaving the country, never crossing back
Before I saw that one I was tempted to go for the $5 AUD 😂

5 Dollarydoos!?

I mean, $5 is $5…

Five bucks is best bucks! ✋

Red. Rob a bank in a balaclava.

Unfortunately, it doesn't really help given that you also left your fingerprints, hair, driver's license, and semen at the scene. But it serves you very well during your incarceration.

Black one. You can earn a lot of money by being the fastest delivery agent.

You can only teleport to Tirana, not back
- So? Just make expensive deliveries.
- Yes, but you can instantly teleport there from any point on Earth meaning, that you need to spend only half time going there and returning back. What means, that delivering there anything will be almost instant. Also, you can use this ability for robbery since you can fastly and safely escape from anywhere in the World. Your only concern would be to protect your identity and abilities.

Love the idea that a third string QB in the XFL is worth $5 AUD. Still overvalued.

Looks like I’m gettin’ away scot free with a clean five dollarydoos.

It's yours. But you do get just enough diarrhea from the pill that a $5 bottle of Pepto would really make a difference. But it's your money and your call.
- I’ve lived through worse, I’m keepin’ that fiver.

I could escape from everywhere by teleporting to Tirana, Albania.

Except Tirana, Albania
- If you tried it while you were already there, would nothing happen, or would you perhaps reroll your current location within it?

5 bucks is 5 bucks

except not in australia

That's $5 closer to that plane ticket home to Tirana, Albania!

I have no idea who Luol Deng is but a meal is a meal.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luol_Deng
Former NBA player from Sudan
That's what I'm saying. Surely over a meal, we put our heads together and figure the rest out. He clearly knows how to perform at a high level or he wouldn't be where he is today.

Black, red could be useful for evading the law. Could probably profit off purple. The skull one probably has some side effect I'm not aware of.

increased csf, probalby would cause intercranial pressure. remember the stewie episode where his brain sized increased to give him telekinitic powers, if it was the side effect of that, then it wouldve ben fine.
Red could also be accomplished with contacts and you don't waste a power. Though it'd be a great bar trick and probably get you laid to just cycle through colors RGB style.
- Yeah, you could probably have a very short but lucrative career being like a mesmerist on TV with that.

i could probably make some money from a speaking dog?

You're not going to want to when you hear his story.
- whats his story?

Cantonese speaking dog.

I speak Cantonese

How do you think it'd change your relationship?
- I already speak to animals like people, so them being able to hold a conversation with me sounds cool. Might make picking up their poop more awkward though.

I'll take the blood one.

I think it'd be fun just to freak out some people. I would have gone with the eye one but I'm always wearing sunglasses, so would be wasted on me.

Do i get to choose which oart of tirana i go to, does it just choose a random place in tirana or is it just like the city center? Also red would be pretty cool.

Doesn't specify, so just somewhere within the city limits, at a random altitude.
- Ahh thats cool, so ill just fall to my death probably

Australians win again.

Can I teleport from Tirana, Albania to point with higher altitude in Tirana, Albania?
\ Because infinite energy glitch.

I personally took it to mean you teleport, at will, to a random point in Tirana, Albania, since it wasn't specified.
- Is it always the same random point, or will I sometimes land in the bedroom of a confused and angry Albanian?

Luol heads up the South Sudan Basketball Federation now. That’s noble as fuck and I’d absolutely sit down with this guy and listen to his story.

Also there’s a chance he’d buy. I’m all about a free McChicken.

Black would be useful. Cutting travel costs to Albania in half. Would somewhat limit future vacation spots because I would never be able to justify spending much if I can get to Albania for free.

You might not want to go so much when you materialize and they try to burn you as a witch.

Purple. Get a fluffy fren thus easily?! AND I can practice my cantonese with them? :3

Will the dog understand Cantonese?

I was born with the Zika so I’m going with yellow. I wanna try on men size fitted caps.

I'm having a hard time deciding between the eye color and the teleport to Albania one. I'd probably eventually choose the latter, though

You're going to get to Albania and really wish you could change eye colors, you just know it.
- But like, I could take a year long rocket to Mars, and immediately return, faster than the speed of light, to Earth, and also violate causality!

Blue, depending on one thing. Is it the set of a tool music video or the reality presented within?

I think "into the video" makes it pretty clear on that one. Otherwise it'd say "onto the set of." Anyway, no backsies, so which TOOL video will it be?
- May as well go with the video that is the most Tool. I'd go with Sober.

Can you teleport back from Tirana? Even if not, it's a nice place to spend a week in summer, and seems more useful than anything else on the list.

No. That is not in the terms & conditions.
- Even if random Tiranna location, can Jeanie blink my way to somewhere interesting, or escape consequences of mischief.