The Piss Drill Instructor

Last night I dreamed I was the most unhinged Marine drill instructor in history, and my entire leadership philosophy revolved around one sacred metric: crystal clear urine.

I burst into the barracks at 0500 doing that weird half run instructors do, slam the door so hard the windows rattle, and scream:

“WHO’S CLEAR PISSING TODAY, BOYS?”

The platoon snaps to attention and roars back:

“WE ARE, SIR!”

I cup my ear. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of your DEHYDRATED KIDNEYS!”

“WE ARE, SIR!!”

“That’s what I like to hear. Hydration is intimidation, boys!”

Then I march straight into the latrine for the daily piss inspection. I’m talking full white glove treatment, except it’s a turkey baster and a headlamp. One toilet has the faintest yellow tint, like someone dropped a single drop of crystal lite lemonade in there.

I come storming back out, face purple, veins popping, holding the toilet brush like a javelin.

“WHO. LEFT. A. CLOUDY. PISS. IN MY LATRINE?

Dead silence. Crickets. A single nervous fart echoes in the back row.

I start pacing, slow and murderous.

“Private Rodriguez, you look suspicious. You been sipping coffee instead of America’s finest tap water?”

“No sir!”

“Private Jenkins, you’ve got the complexion of a dehydrated houseplant. Step forward.”

Jenkins takes one baby step.

I shove the toilet brush in his face. “Smell that, Jenkins. That’s failure. That’s weakness leaving the body…through the wrong colored urine.”

Then I make the entire platoon chant the sacred hydration mantra while doing pushups on the floor.

“WHAT DO WE SAY ABOUT CLOUDY PISS?”

“A CLOUDY PISS MEANS A CLOUDY MIND, SIR!”

“AND HOW DO WE WANT OUR FELLOW SOLDIER'S MIND?”

“CLEAR LIKE HIS PISS, SIR!”

“LOUDER, I WANT THE CORPSE OF CHESTY PULLER TO HEAR THIS IN HEAVEN!”

“CLEAR LIKE HIS PISS, SIR!!!”

I finally let them stop, chests heaving, tears mixing with sweat.

I point at Jenkins. “You will chug one full canteen, recite the mantra fifty times, and report back to me with a urine sample so clear I can read the Bible through it. Do you understand me?”

“YES SIR!”

“Dismissed. Now fall out and hydrate like your life depends on it, because in my platoon, it does.”