Anon gets his life in order

On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.

15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn't. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.

Then she cheated on me.

Somehow I haven't been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.

Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲

I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn't have made it another decade. Glad you're on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven't felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It's frustratingly helpful in that it doesn't feel like you're doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
- I'm doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
  So far I've only met one person on the apps. So I'm working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It's a small city, so kind of limited. Can't move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
  But one thing I'm trying to remind myself - I'll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50's marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I'd say there's still time.
- I don't get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
Big hugs, friend. You're not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
- Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you'll make it through. It gets better.
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.

Children need a parent, and some adults never pass that stage.

Fake: anon has girlfriend

Gay: motivated by sticks

op found a mom for himself.

It's clearly a step-mom if anything.
\ (Tho op didn't actually specify Jocastas family details.)

That's not a girlfriend it's a second mother.

Oof
- Pretty common phenomenon. And it works for some people, there are men who need hand holding and women who want to nurture (or vice versa). I think it would be healthier for OOP to recognize it for what it is though, and also that it's not a universal experience. For example I'd be miserable as either party in that relationship.

Not swearing is a big fuckin ask.

Yeah but the advertisers don't want to be associated with that language so he's gotta censor it.

Woof....

That's rough

Puppy girl core

There's certain common patterns this dynamic seems to take:

They end up in that type of traditional marriage for fifty years where the wife controls absolutely everything and the man throws around jokes about ball and chain. This ends when either one dies; if the man dies first, the wife will live happily for another ten years, but if the wife dies first, the man follows soon
The man loses all sights of himself and becomes a passive and meek "yes, dear" -man, and then the girlfriend (or wife if they managed to get married) eventually gets bored since the project car isn't fun anymore, and cheats or just straight up leaves him. This pattern might also involve straight up domestic violence where the man is too embarrassed and scared to seek help
The girlfriend (or wife again) gets tired of taking care of a manchild instead of having an equal partner, and leaves. This happens especially if they have children and the wife realizes it's actually easier to take care of the children alone. Often the man also ends up whining about how he doesn't understand what he did wrong, and thought everything was going so well

That's reading an awful lot into a post that's both fake and gay

Meanwhile, my wife enables my executive dysfunction, saying things like "oh, just do it tomorrow." I have to explain to her, if I don't do it now, it won't get done for a month. Saying it out loud like that seems to give me the motivation to do it now.

Hope this works for you for a long time.
\ Tho it's good that your wife understands the mechanics behind it.
(Or maybe she already does and you maybe sometimes need the 'tomorrow' & she is looking out for you/managing your dysfunction better than you might think?)
- Not wanting to be a lazy shit that lets her do all the housework is 99% of my motivation. But when I get the motivation to do the dishes it has to be now or it'll be never.

god yea i love manipulation and emotional abuse

My favorite kink

Anon likes to be dommed

Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.

Don't look for the easy way out of your own maturity. Nobody can tell you who you are better than you. Look for someone who wants to build you up, not control you.

As long as they're consenting adults I guess

What does "sit like a man" mean ?

Don't cross your legs ? 😅

There are different styles of crossing your legs. If you put one knee over the other, that style is often seen as feminine. Compare this with putting one ankle over the other knee (so the top leg is roughly flat) and that is seen as the masculine way.
I do both. Which one depends on the situation.
- Lmfao what
  One knee over the other is feminine? That's fucking wild because I do it, my brother does it, my dad does it and my mom doesn't.
  Guess I better start wearing a kilt and "sitting like a real man" lmfao
- Imagine being so insecure that you are worried about how you cross your legs when you sit. People are so fucking weird
- I am always cowboy style, could not fathom sitting like I wear a skirt.
  The real reason it's my stuff gets upside down and it's too warm in the pants woman style.
Maybe just "good posture"?
Some toxic bs like that.
Manspreading? I have no idea.

"I can fix him"

fixes him

There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Then he leaves her for someone "who doesn't nag" and is more exciting.
Joke on my ex fiance. Although it might be on me considering she cheated.
- "She could fix others but not herself"

Sounds awful. Fuck all of that.

Yeah, no. That is not what I signed up for.

We do lift each other up, it's not a one way thing. Can advise, and do, and he does with me too. So sure, I am willing to make suggestions and he always wants me to do stuff like style his wardrobe, do all the interior design, etc., yeah I'm down, my eye is better. He plans all the trips, his mom was a travel agent.

But would not dream of using sex as a lever, because I want sex for sex.

And I sure as fuck don't want another kid, I want a partner.

"I only care about myself when someone else cares about me" is not particularly healthy.

"i want to improve more for others than for myself" isn't fantastic, but it's pointing in the right direction
- Well that does sound better, as long as it's not completely dependent on another persons approval, that's kinda asking for trouble.
- More in the right direction than the wrong but still not the right direction entirely. It needs to come from within to be strong and lasting.
  Plus that isn't what's happening here, he's being a child who is also being emotionally and sexually manipulated.
It can be unimaginably, uncomprehendingly better than just the 'I don't care about myself' state tho, if that is the best they can manage or perhaps even as a step on the gradual path of self-worth/healing - that is amazing!
Don't dismiss 'getting slightly better' as a failure bcs it's not immediately resulting in the prefect best-case end scenario/state.
We are all on a journey.
- Sure, I've been there, I'm still there some days, it's a lot of hard work to push yourself and find your redeeming qualities when you feel like you don't have any, or keep trying when you feel like you fail every time, or feel like you sabotage yourself every time you get something going right. If that's a step it's great I'm just saying, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

That's just a sub.

That's half of codependence?

Depends if the newly-formed habits persist whenever she lets up.

Hey, if two (or more) people are making each other happy and doing well, right on. Yea that "traditional " style of relationship isnt for me. Especially the idea of withholding conversation or sex as punishment. Well, if it was kink minded then maybe, but I digress.

Anywhoots, being in a happy stable relationship certainly helped me get some of my act together. Hopefully i wont fully come apart the seams right now.

Yeesh. What's the girlfriend getting out of all of this? Seems like a lot of work to run someone else's life in addition to your own.

I believe OPs story is how it originally worked in a lot of traditional marriages. Women stays home but keeps a close eye on any business activity her man does. Since he earns a lot of money when he's productive, she tries to keep him productive by pushing him in the right way. That's how marriage worked. That was a long time ago, however, and such a strategy would not make sense today because people rarely stay together long enough for such a game to pay off for the women.

The guy just discovered female led relationship. If he likes it, it is like a heaven.

Meh. It's more finding the person that compliments you. Your SO should compliment you so your weaknesses are less pronounced and likewise you should do that with your SO.
A rising tide lifts all boats.

I don't need someone telling me not to be a slob to get things done, but having someone around all the time makes me more aware of my better behaviours and function better.

Fuck, I love being single and living by myself.

kind of toxic post ngl

Are those divorce bells I'm hearing?

This happened to me too, not because she was nagging and shit like that, but because I started to feel good about myself, like myself even and became more confident and so I started to take care of myself.

it's actually a lot easier to find a partner who guides you on the right path of life through love and support instead of just being abusive

I don't want my girlfriend to tell me how to do anything, I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself. But her input is appreciated.

Sounds like executive dysfunction, he doesn't need the military, he needs medicine.
- What kind of medicine? Asking for a friend.
- No that's for the other ED

I already get all that shit at work, minus the "go to gym", I don't need it back at home, thanks

ADHD folk - just get an SO that can manage your bs brainhole shenanigans, ez win(-win?).

I sent this to my GF because it aligns with our relationship and works great. She reminded me to call the dentist to get my root canal done and I know she'll remind me again when I invariably forget because I hate dentist but love dicking her down.

This is what extreme responsibility avoidance looks like.