I want something terrible to happen to me

CW: themes of SA

So, this all started when I was about 12 years old, if I remember correctly. That's when the thoughts appeared. This was way before puberty, before my egg crack, and I frankly don't think this has anything to do with me being trans.

Back when I was still attending elementary school, I started to believe that I was a horrible person. I still believe it today. Because I honestly believe(d) I was a horrible person, I wish something bad happened to me. Like, really bad. Probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Something that I absolutely wouldn't wish upon anyone...

except for myself.

Ever since I learned what that word meant, something inside me changed. I started to believe that it was the ideal punishment for me, something that I and only I deserve. I started to believe that I deserved to be raped.

I want to be very clear about this. These thoughts? Having them isn't pleasant in the slightest. I know something is deeply wrong with me. Normal people don't have these thoughts. I get absolutely no pleasure from thinking about this. None. This isn't a fetish and I don't treat it like one. Thinking about it makes me deeply uncomfortable. But I still can't get them to leave my mind...

The thoughts never left. Sure, there are periods of time when they are less obvious and not at the front of my mind. But they're still there, in the back of my head. And sometimes, they come out and become much, much more obvious. Like today. I can't get them out.

As time went on and I grew up, I developed really bad social anxiety. The kind that impacts my daily life heavily. And in addition to thinking that I deserved this, that this had to happen to me...I started believing it might fix me. I don't leave the house very often. Not when I don't need to. I literally can't. I can't breathe in public, with all the people looking at me. But...going through something that traumatic...nothing would even come close to the severity of that trauma. My anxiety would be nothing compared to it. It might actually fix me.

The thoughts aren't even sexual. As I said, I do not get any pleasure from them. They don't turn me on, I don't fantasize about it. They're deeply shameful, and I'm honestly ashamed for writing this. Real victims deserve all the support in the world and this problem I have in my head, it's disrespectful to all of them. To their experiences and traumas.

To me, it's not about sex. It's that I have these constant thoughts, this fucked up feeling that I deserve to go through this. To find myself in the wrong place, at the wrong time. To have someone take advantage of me, to force themselves on me. To completely disregard my pain and suffering. To see and treat me like an object. To not even register me as a person. To see me as a target, weak and powerless, not a threat...

I realize how messed up this is. I really do. Still, I cannot get rid of this. Honestly, this is probably my deepest and darkest secret. Nobody knows this about me. I'm too ashamed to tell them. Too scared to tell my therapist, scared she'll send me to an asylum as soon as I'm done talking.

So I'm posting it here. I doubt it will make me feel any better. It definitely won't make the person reading this feel any better. To anyone who has come this far: from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I've tried to change the way I am. I just can't. I'm so, so sorry.